Challenge!

I just got off the subway after riding for 5 stops with a group of 8th and 9th graders. I have realized that, without question, there is nothing more annoying than groups of teenagers riding public transportation. They are loud and they smell strongly of either body odor or cheap perfume/cologne. Worse still, is the flirting: the play-fighting, the name-calling, the gratuitous hugs, etc. I want to vomit just thinking about the Axe body-spray-drenched flirt fests. I challenge you to think of something that is more annoying.

And the real shows are....

Show 1: REAL
This show is currently in production and it's called My Fair Lady. The premise is that Donald Trump (of all people) is going to be the arbiter of taste and class for the tramps. I'm undecided as to whether or not that is as confusing an idea as having Kathy Hilton act as role model for class.
Fifteen women who "party hard" (they party hard but are NOT Flava of Love contestants) are sent to live in a boarding school-like environment where they will learn about self-improvement and female-empowerment to turn from tramps to ladies.

Show 2: REAL
This show is supposedly in production, and I hope to God it's true because I would definitely watch this show. I'd have to stop watching, though, if the kids never actually changed and were just like Nicole & Paris on the Simple Life.
Former stars of My Super Sweet Sixteen are sent to live with indigenous tribes in faraway countries.

Show 3: FAKE
Six prisoners at a minimum security prison agree to be placed in solitary confinement and undergo mental and physical challenges in an attempt to win $150,000.

Show 4: REAL
This show was called Who's your daddy? and aired (surprise!) on Fox.
An adopted woman is introduced to eight men who may or may not be her biological father. The girl must correctly choose her father to win a $100,000 prize.

Show 5: REAL
This show is called Celebra Cadabra, and was the inspiration for this entire post. When I saw the first episode I was so confused as to why it would exist that I actually had to look up the show online to make sure it wasn't just some kind of prank.
Seven celebrities team with seven professional magicians and compete in magical challenges. The winning team wins $100,000.

Show 6: FAKE
Ten celebrities learn the tricks of the paparazzi trade and attempt to take the best shot each week. The celebrity who survives the competition wins $250,000.

Show 7: REAL
This was a British show, but it was featured on some Vh1 clip show. It was called There's something about Miriam, and the more I consider each show's premise the more I become convinced that this is the most despicable show. However, it is not the most potentially boring; that honor is reserved for Celebra Cadabra, which despite my aversion have managed to see 3 times already.
A group of men compete for the heart of a woman in a Bachelorette-esque dating show. Unbeknownst to the men, the object of their affections is a post-operative transexual who has only recently become a woman.

This Book Makes Gossip Girls Look Like Literature

This is NOT a book I will be buying for my classroom anytime soon:


This book is about what a child should expect after his or her mom undergoes plastic surgery.

What reality do these shows come from?

To say that reality television is ridiculous is to waste your breath preaching to the choir. Just about everyone would agree with that point. Recently, however, I have noticed that reality television shows have become even more ridiculous than usual. To prove my point, I have written a description of 7 reality shows below. Five of the descriptions are for shows that are in production or have already aired. Two of the descriptions are for fictional shows that I made up. See if you can figure out which of the descriptions are for an actual show.

Show 1
Fifteen women who "party hard" (they party hard but are NOT Flava of Love contestants) are sent to live in a boarding school-like environment where they will learn about self-improvement and female-empowerment to turn from tramps to ladies.

Show 2
Former stars of My Super Sweet Sixteen are sent to live with indigenous tribes in faraway countries.

Show 3
Six prisoners at a minimum security prison agree to be placed in solitary confinement and undergo mental and physical challenges in an attempt to win $150,000.

Show 4
An adopted woman is introduced to eight men who may or may not be her biological father. The girl must correctly choose her father to win a $100,000 prize.

Show 5
Seven celebrities team with seven professional magicians and compete in magical challenges. The winning team wins $100,000.

Show 6
Ten celebrities learn the tricks of the paparazzi trade and attempt to take the best shot each week. The celebrity who survives the competition wins $250,000.

Show 7
A group of men compete for the heart of a woman in a Bachelorette-esque dating show. Unbeknownst to the men, the object of their affections is a post-operative transexual who has only recently become a woman.

A Very Sexy Time for Politics

I have heard enough (which is to say, I have heard at all) about governors who like prostitutes, governors who cheat, and secretly gay governors who openly like threesomes. I'm not letting the next sex scandal catch me off guard. Rather, I'm going to pull a Nostradamus and predict some in advance. That way, I won't be as dismayed when I have to hear about them. Onto the sex scandal headlines of the future:
Governor Barbour Admits Furry Affair
Utah State Senator Davis Says He Likes to Play Baby
Congressman Poe Caught in Giantess Roleplay


And, perhaps most shocking of all:
Secretary Schafer Announces Preference for Monogamous Sex With Wife

*** Sidenote: Ironically enough, I had originally intended to fill the above name slot with Secretary Kempthorne . However, upon a very cursory google search I discovered that he may not enjoy monogamous sex with his wife. I guess it really is shocking for a politician to bang only his wife.

Where did they find these people?

Recently I have found myself saying things like "I hate my job" and "Teaching is killing my soul" etc., etc. I want to assure you that this sentiment is in no way related to my feelings toward my students. By and large, my kids are good mini, semi-developed people. When they do bad things, many times they can't help it because they are just kids.

In fact, the reason that teaching has created a blackhole of despair within my heart is due to the many borderline retarded adults that I must deal with on a daily basis. These people have no excuse for their bad acts. Let me introduce you to the cast of characters a la a Parent-teacher conference note home (meaning a positive and a "delta" comment):

Guidance Counselor: Well-meaning older woman who has trouble stringing together a coherent sentence and following clear and written directions. She excels at discussing students' family life ("Did you know Child is getting evicted?") and learning difficulties ("He's supposed to be in the third grade but he's real low") in a loud whisper in front of the class. She struggles with correctly pronouncing the names of the students she "counsels;" guiding students; counseling students.

Assistant Principal: A superficial woman who smiles like she's running for mayor of Shiteatingrinsburg, especially when she chastises you. She excels at talking about herself, faking interest in you and your students, and inventing useless tasks that sap time and energy without benefiting students. She struggles with caring about anything in your classroom beyond what goes on a bulletin board. We have this fun game called "Who's the boss?" in which she makes me wonder who my boss is because she always goes through a third party (rather than come to me herself) to explain her expectations or when she thinks I've failed to meet them. There's another fun game we play in which she tells me I'm late to dismiss my students even though her watch is 5 minutes fast.

Payroll Secretary: A ball-buster who struggles only with being friendly and treating people she has known for less than 5 years with even the slightest shred of respect usually afforded to a fellow human being. She enjoys talking on her cell phone, rolling her eyes whenever I speak to her, and hanging up on me when I call the office.

School Nurse: I have no idea who this person is. I'm serious. I've only ever seen the school nurse once and I can barely remember if it's a she or a he. What I do know, however, is that the school nurse is a kind of mythical creature that is rarely in its office. When it is at school, it refuses to see students during its lunch break (which doesn't correspond to any of the kids' lunch breaks). Note that when I say "refuse" I mean that it will not even ask a child about his ailment before shutting the door in his face. Today it turned away an asthmatic student complaining of difficulty breathing because it was on its lunch break.

Creepy

I got an email from Victoria's Secret letting me know that I could save 25% off underwear from them. Here's the picture that came with the email... anything look creepily middle-schoolish about this girl? Or am the only one who thinks the model probably hasn't reached menarche? She has no discernible breasts, her face has baby fat, and she's wearing an outfit a tiny child would wear. I think this girl could pass for a 6th grader. Even if she is over the age of 12, she's not particularly pretty. Get your act together Victoria's Secret -- find some attractive, 18 year old+ models.

Your secret's safe with me

I finally found my cell phone -- I had cleverly hidden it under my sofa. As soon as I turned it on I had a mysterious text message from a 301 number that I didn't recognize. It read:

"Yo tonight if andrew ends up hooking up with natalia dont say anything ok?"

I'm pretty certain that I got that text message from a stranger who miss-typed since I don't recognize the number. I have no idea who either Andrew or Natalia is, but I can not -- nay, will not -- stay silent about their possible tryst. Hear that world, these two knocked the boots. That'll teach you to trust me with your secrets anonymous texter.

Bamma of the Week

Though normally I find morning commute radio shows to be evidence that there is evil on Earth, I do enjoy the Donnie Simpson show on WPGC 95.5. Huggy Lowdown is definitely the best part of the show. Mr. Lowdown, amongst many other bits, gives a weekly award to the "Bamma of the Week." Since I'm moving and will no longer be able to hear Huggy's weekly award, I thought I should give out my own weekly Bamma award. For those of you unfamiliar with the word "bamma", let me enlighten you. A bamma is a classless fool who is generally ignorant of their obvious failings. Also, it's anyone (or anything) who pisses me off.

So, with that in mind, I would like to award the inaugural "Bamma of the Week." Early in the week I thought I might be giving this ignominious honor to the highest bidder for the post-jail Paris Hilton interview. Once those deals fell through, my week was looking suprisingly Bamma-less. But then on Friday night, a new contender came out of no where to run away with the win. This contender is none other than the Anonymous Jerkface who threw up in the Union Station metro on Friday night.

I have no idea who Anonymous Jerkface is -- the only evidence I have that they even existed is the slippery puddle of vomit they deposited on the Union Station metro floor. Man or woman, child or adult, this Anonymous Jerkface wins my "Bamma of the Week" award because I slipped and fell in their puke. That's right, I got covered in someone else's puke. In case you've never taken in a spill in throw up, let me assure you that such an experience iis neither a fun end to an evening, nor an enjoyable prelude to a ride on public transit. I firmly believe that I wouldn't have fallen were it not for Anon. Jerkface's puke, and I'm damn sure I wouldn't have been soaked with half-digested food if Anon. Jerkface had managed to get to a trash can before hurling. In conclusion, Anon. Jerkface is the Bamma of the Week for not being able to responsibly monitor either their alcohol intake or their barf output. I've pasted below a picture of what I imagine the Jerkface looked like:

You read it here first!

Back in January 2006 I predicted that Lauren Conrad (aka "LC" from The Hills and Laguna Beach fame aka waste of flesh and her daddy's credit card) would star in a home made sex tape. Lo (remember Lo?) and behold, a little over a year later I come to find that an LC sex tape may actually exist! Supposedly, this sex tape stars LC and her male counterpart in being a waste of humanity, Jason Wahl. I still believe, as I stated earlier, that such a tape would reveal that LC is just as boring when being filmed naked using an infrared camera as she is when being filmed clothed in the daylight. Even a sex tape couldn't make this girl worth watching. Also, Jason looks like a fatty and I don't want to see him without his shirt off. In conclusion, I am shocked and horrified that such a video may exist, and scared that I predicted it would surface. Does that mean that pandas are really Chinese spies??

Lay off the kid

For the past four weeks I have been bombarded via newspaper, television, the Internet, and even my beloved NPR, all about Sanjaya Malakar. Though I generally hate most people on television, I bear absolutely no ill will towards this adolescent boy. I don't like him nor have I voted for him, but all this attention is a little overblown. Everyone has an opinion about how awful this kid is, as if the future of American Idol, as well as all pop music -- and perhaps even all humanity -- is inextricably bound with Sanjaya's success on this show. What's the big deal?

Sure he's not the best singer -- but who cares? Haley Scarnato isn't a good singer, but no one is all up in arms that she's made it this far. And that red-headed kid that sucked so bad 3 years ago made it to the top 6, but I don't remember there being an entire movement against him. And really, aren't there tons of successful singers out there who are just as bad as Sanjaya? Where was this ire when Paris Hilton released her album? And why is Akon allowed impunity? His music should not be on the radio but rather kept behind a pharmacy counter and sold as an emetic. And yet none of these rabid Sanjaya haters -- not even that fat lady who refused to eat until he lost -- are so angry at anyone else who is a musician who sucks.

With 8 weeks to go, it's a little premature to worry that Sanjaya's going to win this contest. Successful or not, no AI winner thus far has been a notably bad singer so just calm down and trust in the AI voting system (probably a better bet than trusting your local government's system...). I know he sucks, but you only have to listen to him sing for 5 minutes each week, and that's only if you choose to watch the show. Plus he's so helpless -- he's like a 3 legged bunny or some equally nonthreatening rodent. How can you get so mad at an effeminate teenage boy? So, if you're calling into NPR to spew bile about Sanjaya, or you're writing a diatribe about him you need to just chill. If you want to know about a real threat to America, read a nerd-cum-dating coach blog.

As long as we're making up occupations I want to be a puppy petter

This young gentleman grew up in the same county as me and even went to my high school (He's the one on the left -- thanks CW for the pic). Even though we went to school together I don't really remember him -- probably because we were each being losers in our own separate ways. So when I first saw him on television on Beauty and the Geek (he didn't win) I only recognized his name. Apparently he is pretty smart and even mildly renowned for being so. Now I don't want to argue that someone who is obviously so much smarter than me is an idiot, but I've been reading too many damn local news stories about him and I can hold my tongue (my keyboard?) no longer: Niels Hoven is a big fat dummy. He was pursuing a Ph.D. in engineering, but then he decided that he'd rather pursue a job more suited to his god-given talents. So obviously he became a dating coach.

I have no idea what a dating coach is, but I am extremely suspicious that it's a fake job. Based on what I've read on Niels' blog, I gather that it entails encouraging gross weirdoes to fight their initial and (generally correct) instincts that females don't want to talk them. Rather than let them stay alone in their labs where they would probably be curing cancer, some one like Niels takes them out into the world and takes their money. In exchange these guys are taught to approach dating like a game, which is always healthy, and to think of women like they're a separate species, also very productive. It also probably involves charging a lot of money just to tell guys that they need to be more confident. As a female -- particularly a female who attracts a lot of weirdoes (I think it's my glasses) -- I don't like the idea of someone encouraging weirdoes to approach more women.

I don't want to begrudge Niels his right to pursue happiness, nor the right of lonely nerds who would seek his services. Indeed, I wouldn't really care about Niels at all were it not for the fact that he doles out awful advice.

Exhibit A: His list of suggestions for Valentine's day. In order to make V-day meaningful, and to avoid spending a ton of money, Niels suggests the following activities:
"Do something playful and have a tickle fight.
Do something emotional and talk about the day you met.
Do something sexy and tie someone up.
Do something impudent and pinch someone’s ass.
Do something romantic and feed each other dinner.
Do something relaxing and give each other massages.
And if you’re single…Do something daring and say “Hi!” to a stranger."

Wow. Each one of these exciting and original suggestions just proves that Niels must be pretty successful with the ladies. Obviously that perfect SAT score has translated fully and easily into the dating realm. I mean seriously -- that's his advice for making Valentine's day more meaningful and less expensive?: Pinch an ass and then give each other massages. That sounded like a romantic day to me, but then I turned 15.

How different would Niels' life have been if he had been on a date before the age of 20? It seems like he's letting his quest to, shall we say, "live life inside the box" distract him from his nerdy and important tasks, such as inventing flying cars and solving the world's energy crisis. Maybe he wouldn't have invented the flying car, but I bet you he wouldn't be advocating tickle fights and writing deluded blogs. Who does he think he is -- DCbachelor?

What can I say about your shoes that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan

Summer's worst contribution, even above and beyond heat and humidity, is that it turns many people into weirdos who think that constant sandal wearing is acceptable behavior. And not just sandals, but UGLY sandals. I get it, it's hot you want to wear less clothing: pants are banished in favor of skirts and shorts, sleeves disappear. But why do normal, attractive shoes have to become extinct till October? Granted, not all sandal-wearing is atrociously wrong -- some of it is acceptable, and even attractive. However, when someone goes wrong with sandals, boy do they really go wrong. Specifically, I am referring to two heinous offenders:

BIRKENSTOCKS
Typical wearer: Ben & Jerry's scoop shop employee-- that is when they can be convinced to put shoes on at all; girls without bras; green party members
Benefits: The shoe molds to your foot and the company will continue to re-tread your sandals for you, so you can walk from here to Poolesville. And for those of you who don't know Phil, yes I do know someone who walked to Poolesville in birkenstocks.
Appropriate outfit: Tie dye. Basically the sort of thing you'd wear to a protest demanding the legalization of marijuana or to a Phish concert.
Inappropriate outfit: Anything you would wear anywhere else.
Statement made: "I like the smell of patchouli, and the feel of hemp clothing against my skin."

I have seen many basic summer outfits ruined needlessly by the haphazard addition of birkenstocks. Wearing birkenstocks makes a statement, and that statement generally is contradicted when you wear your birks with a pair of khaki shorts and a polo. When you do something like that, you're just confusing the rest of us: Are you a prepster with no sense of fashion or a hippie with no soul? Make up your mind, and choose a less-conflicting pair of shoes. Also, regardless of how well you might match your sandals to your outfit, it is NEVER okay to wear bright pink socks with your patent leather sandals and then photograph said monstrosity:




TEVAS
Typical wearer: Small children who enjoy river walking; outdoorsy people who erroneously place comfort above style
Benefits: My roommate has a pair, and apparently they are machine washable. Quite frankly, I wouldn't be shocked to discover these things are dishwasher safe. They are just a mound of rubber with bungee cords attached.
Appropriate outfit: Androgynous hiking outfits. Comfort is clearly the more salient concern when you're tramping through the wildnerness, so your ugly shoes get a pass in this instance. However, tevas should stay on the hiking path. Children also may passably wear tevas, but I am being lenient on them as many lack the comprehension to understand just how ugly tevas really are.
Inappropriate outfit:Any outfit you would wear to wander down from the mountains and onto the streets of our cities.
Statement made: "I hereby abdicate all expectations that anyone will find me attractive. Ever."

Tevas do not look good. Period. They look especially bad, however, on people wearing jeans, or people in gyms (I have now seen three people working out in tevas. What the hell is up with that?)Tevas are supposedly extremely comfortable (I'm operating solely on hearsay as I've never allowed my foot to touch a Teva sandal). But no amount of comfort in the world could outweigh the ugliness of this shoe. Just look at the tanlines on this girl:

Is that what you want for your feet?? And for your viewing displeasure, here is ANOTHER picture of someone wearing bright pink socks with sandals. I swear to God that this person is completely different lost soul from the person in the last pink-sock picture:



Birkenstock and Teva wearers of the world I implore you: stop selling your feet short! Don't punish them with ugly shoes. Instead, take a second to consider how you look to others when you walk out of your house. Realize that attractive, comfortable walking shoes do exist, and then find them, buy them, and love them. Failing that, at least have the decency to put on a pair of flip flops.

Two things me and president Bush have in common

I don't know if you heard about this story at all, but President Bush made fun of a reporter who was wearing sunglasses during a press conference in the White House rose garden yesterday. The President joked with the LA times reporter that there was not enough sun to merit wearing the glasses and that maybe it was inappropriate to wear the glass while asking questions. Well, it turns out that the sunglasses-wearing reporter is legally blind and now Bush feels like an ass.

After reading an article about the incident I learned that the president and I have two things in common:

1) Me and G.W.B. are both awkward and likely to make fun of someone for something completely inappropriate, such as disability status.

2) Me and G.W.B. both have very low approval ratings. Nah, just kidding -- my approval ratings are at an all time high, especially for my position on the Iraq war and gas prices, so it's just George who has numbers in the basement. The real uncanny similarity between me and the president is that we both say "touché." (Read through the article).

Finally, being a white woman pays off

I've been perusing Craigslist recently for possible cheaper places to live as the negotiation with my landlord over next year's rent continues. Apparently she thinks that raising the rent $300 a month would be acceptable. I guess me and my roommates could swing that 11% increase if we all drove Benz convertibles like the landlady, but sadly we are poor so I'm exploring other options just in case. But unfortunately, the rise in interest rates seem to have pushed a lot of the rents in the area to the stratosphere. Just as I was getting ready to beg my parents to let me move back home I found this posting:

To quote that piece of backwards logic woman from that late-night commercial for Focus Factor "If it's free it must be good! " AWESOME! Seriously, these people will let you live in a great and convenient place like Woodbridge, for FREE? I mean wow, Woodbridge, what a great location. It's so close to so many great things like... Potomac Mills? I mean honestly, what kind of catch could there possibly be to this arrangement? After all, these people are white and to my knowledge white people have never done anything bad ever in the history of man. Based on the quality of their post, I'm guessing all they want is grammar and English lessons since their native tongue appears to be caveman. The only hitch is that I don't know if I'm "open-minded" enough to live in Northern Virginia (even if it is dangerously close to real Virginia). If you, like me, are interested in getting more "informations" you better email them, because no doubt this place is going to go quick. (P.S. Sorry to all the males and black women out there who wanted to be a live-in, English tutor for neanderthals in Woodbridge, you are not encouraged to apply. I somehow feel like maybe you are getting the better end of the deal...)

Does anyone love Oprah more than Oprah?

I try my best to avoid getting worked up about letters to the editor and internet message boards, because really why ruin a day? Just reading them generally gets me all up in arms about things that don't matter, and 3 hours into drafting the perfect response I have a moment of clarity when I realize that I am wasting my time. I generally solve this problem with avoidance and forced apathy.

But on my way into work today I read a letter to the editor published in the Express that I just could not let stand. It was entitled "Oprah isn't 'Self-absorbed.'" I got annoyed reading this letter, but I realized there was no point writing a response back into the paper for something that didn't matter. However, since my week of no negativity and no bashing rants starts tomorrow I thought a blog response to this letter would be a good way to purge the venom before a week of boring goodness. Also, I wanted to continue the trend of blogging about the Omnipotent one every few months.
To begin, here is a reproduction of the letter as it was published:

"To the statement [by Washington Post columnist Lisa De Moraes] that Oprah is "self-absorbed" in Monday's Express Channel Surfing column, I respond:
I have been to a taping of Oprah's show in Chicago and Oprah is looking off camera at the monitors for signals to go to commercial or reading the Tele PrompTer, she is not looking at herself. She is building schools in South Africa for girls and gave the children there their first real Christmas. She came to the aid of the Katrina victims when FEMA and the American government did next to nothing. Her Angel Network has built houses and sent kids to college. She initiated a movement in this country to catch child sex offenders. And those are just some of her accomplishments.
So before you hate on her, please consider all the wonder things this "self-absorbed" broadcaster has done to make this world a better place."


Okay, so obviously this author has a fundamental problem in her argument in that she cannot grasp that a person could be self-absorbed in addition to being charitable. People can be both good and bad simultaneously, which is a much tougher concept for people to grasp than it should be. Sure Oprah has done a ton of great things and donated her money and time to good causes, but there is no denying that she is self-absorbed. Incidentally, did you know that in addition to her charitable donations Oprah spent $100,000 on fake eyelashes last year? That's right, she spent three times my annual income on fake eyelashes. But I'm sure that it was only because she couldn't come up with a better use for $100,000 than to make herself pretty. My best argument as to Oprah's feelings about herself, however, is that the woman is on every single one of the covers for her eponymously titled magazine. If that's not self-absorbed then I don't know what is. So eat it letter author because your God loves herself more than a fat kid (or maybe Oprah circa '95?) loves cake.

But I don't blame Oprah. I think she's been forced into being self-absorbed by people like the author of this letter. You know the Oprah fan (stereo)type : middle-aged, chubby, clappy, Oprah-crazed fanatics who cry when they watch cheesy commercials and who most likely collect Precious Moments statues. And really, it's with these people that I have the beef, they have made Oprah the monster that she is. How could Oprah, or anyone for that matter, stay humble when every day she is greeted by 100 screaming mothers who would have a hard time choosing between saving her or their firstborn if they were both trapped in a burning building? The few Oprah episodes that I have watched have been almost completely unbearable because of these MACC0CFs. They just stand there, barely able to contain their excitement (and as a corollary their bladders or tears) from being in the same room with the Big O. Oprah then rewards them with either gifts or a good schooling on a societal ill. I hate it most when Oprah does a serious show about serious topics. Watching these MACCOCFs it becomes clear to me that they never knew, for instance, that female genital mutilation was a problem in other parts of the world, or that Night by Elie Weisel was a good book, or that racism is still a daily problem, or that young girls can be psychologically scarred from media images of beauty, or that children in Africa are mutilated and forced into militias. They never knew, that is, until Oprah told them. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that Oprah encourages reading, self-awareness, charity and empathy amongst her fans. What bothers me is that I feel as if one day Oprah starting encouraging puppy-kicking and arsenic-poisoning they'd just as energetically take up those suggestions instead. So, I'll end this rant with an entreaty to all MACCOCFs that they get a clue that doesn't come from Oprah. At the very least, have an inkling about some of the stuff Oprah talks about before you hear about it from her. Read books (not just the ones that she suggests) like nonfiction books about history and geopolitics. Watch less TV, listen to more NPR, read more newspapers (not USA Today) and write fewer dumb-ass letters to the editor. But keep dieting and baking, those are good habits.

The pageant world hasn't been rocked this hard since Drop Dead Gorgeous

As some of you may or may not know (though I'm guessing that many of you will probably not care either way), I once worked with and also participated in beauty pageants. Specifically, I was the "assistant producer" to both the Miss USA and Miss Teen USA state pageants for an undisclosed southern state, one I might add which I had never even set foot in the state. I was also an entrant in two filipino pageants when I was a teenager despite my disappointing failure to pass for even half-Asian. And I was reminded of my pageant history with the recent crowning of Miss USA last week -- it was in Baltimore. For at least a week leading up to the pageant, there were 51 bonafied beauty queens running around only the classiest of Maryland sites ranging from the Muvico theatre to Ocean City to Baltimore. But they're all gone now, so the overall average attractiveness of the state has returned to its normal subpar levels. Since I missed the chance to pal around with some mascara-addicted, starving women with permanent smiles I figured I'd keep the pageant world alive in the old line state by exposing the dark underbelly of pageantry. So get ready, because this entry will mark the beginning of a two part series in which I reveal all I learned about pageants during my 2 year stint at the pageant production company, hereafter referred to as Sexual Harrassment, Inc.

Dark secret 1) Pageants are really old-fashioned. And not because they objectify women, but because they objectify women in a really weird and dated way. The women who participate in pageants are stuck in some weird midwest Prom beauty aesthetic where big hair and sequined dresses are still considered attractive. Just look at some of the top 15 finishers for this year's Miss USA pageant, these women look like they got caught in a wind tunnel in 1997.
And check out these dresses from 2004, that are ugly in any year.


Dark secret 2) Not all pageants contestants are pretty. Now if you have ever watched the Miss America pageant you already knew this. That pageant is just filled with women who are less than hot. Take, for example, the Miss USA and Miss America winners from 1995:
Miss America is for the sort of woman who wants to become a TV anchor -- her ambition well outstrips her beauty. Plus she posesses a talent for singing or playing the piano or something useless like that. Gorgeous women don't have time to learn how to play the steel drums -- an actual talent this past year. Miss USA on the other hand is the sort of woman who wants to be in Playboy -- she's blonde and willing to take off her clothes, and too lazy to do anything else. Particularly this Miss USA -- Shanna "all I do is sleep" Moakler.

But the real ugliness hides in the state preliminary pageants. A lot of this comes from the fact that you don't need to compete in local pageants to compete in an overall state pageant. In fact, all you need is a misguided belief that you're attractive, a desire for external approval and about $1500. When I would receive applications in the mail at the offices of Sexual Harrassment Inc., girls would send pictures of themselves that were unflattering, and they'd share heights (less than 5'0") and weights (more than 160 lbs) that were clearly NOT shallow pageant material. My boss, who I will call Mr. Sexual Harrassment to protect his anonymity (eventhough I think he may be dead?), would always remark on how these women were fat and had no chance of winning. Yet he had no problem shaking them down for their pageant entry fees. Then he'd tell me I looked like I had lost weight and that if he were 50 years younger I'd be "in trouble."

Dark secret 3) They're called "beauty queens" in a nod to the fact that some of them look like drag queens. Check out Miss Alaska, this gal/dude? looks like Alexis Arquette (the transgendered Arquette...) But beyond the mysterious manliness of Miss Alaska, pageant chicas wear so much make up that they end up looking like the skinny kid sister of Divine (of John Waters fame)-- especially if they aren't that pretty at the outset. Normally make-up increases one's beauty, but in the case of pageant contestants it just serves the eerie purpose of making women of every color and creed look like an interchangeable extra in a Vegas showgirl showcase. Or Alexis Arquette.

A Romy & Michelle moment on Easter

Despite having to be at church at 9 in the morning after going to bed at 4, my trip to church turned out surprisingly well. Unfortunately for my soul, none of these good vibes came from a spiritual breakthrough or my rebirth through Christ. Quite the opposite in fact. I enjoyed church today because once again I got to see a girl that went to my high school. This girl was a year older than me and stole my boyfriend junior year. Every Easter since graduation I have gotten to see her, and I win a mini-victory because the girl got fat. She's not obese, but the girl has definitely chubbed out. As a special Easter suprise for me, this girl dressed herself like a 16 year old who has only the tiniest inkling of what is fashionable and what is flattering: she wore a linen ruffle skirt.

On the one hand, I know I shouldn't take so much glee in the fact that this girl gained 15 lbs, but on the other hand I think it's only natural to be excited at the slight misfortune of those who have wronged you in the past. If this wasn't a natural reaction then why would people go to high school reunions? And you know, I don't really care about what happened 6 years ago but she won't look me in the eye or even acknowledge my presence - today she brushed past me during the breakfast without so much as an excuse me. I think it's entirely possible that she's not the same person she was when she was 17, and even then she wasn't mean. In fact, she was nice when she wasn't too busy being a self-centered idiot. I've changed since I was 17 -- but too bad for her because I haven't gotten nicer. That's why I say, ha ha ha ha you got fat and I didn't.

P.S. Has anyone else ever heard the gospel on Easter Sunday and then had the sudden epiphany that the story of the passion is the most popular zombie story ever told?

I guess Colorado is cool

MTV has announced that its upcoming season of the Real World (its 18th season in case you wanted to be shocked at how many of those damn things MTV has produced) is going to be shot in..... hold your breath..... Denver. Denver? Are you freaking kidding me? What the hell is so special about Denver? I have been waiting for 10 freaking years for this stupid show to come to Washington, and I thought that surely it would happen soon. I figured they'd have to slum it in Texas for a few years in the crap hole that is Houston, or worse-- spend some time in the capital of all things annoyingly fake cowboy, Dallas. But eventually they'd have to make their way over to our part of the BoWash Megalopolis. It never even occurred to me that they'd go to Denver of all places before Washington.

Having never been to Denver in my life (and possessing zero desire to visit) I feel I can safely say that Washington is better than Denver. As far as I can tell, all Denver has that DC lacks is a higher concentration of Republicans, and a lower concentration of air (things that may quite possibly be related). So what is scaring MTV away from DC? Is it DC's reputation for being stuffy and political (aka old and ugly)? I guess that's true, but this is where all the sweet sex scandals happen. To my knowledge, no president ever cigar-banged a 23 year old in Denver. Plus our former mayor smoked crack while in office and we still elected him to be on the city council. That indicates both our penchant for illicit drugs and forgiveness. And don't get me started on the complete lack of bribery in Denver. How do the people there get their persian rugs, if not from defense contractors? On top of all the adultery, drugs and bribery, DC has a lot of young people who like to get drunk. And drunk twenty-somethings are the entire point of the Real World. You lose, Denver.

Eventhough I think that the Real World has been unbearable for the past 5 years, this show can't end till it comes to DC. I have it all planned out, all Bunim-Murray has to do is find 7 morons and follow my plan: the real worlders arrive at their Dupont row house as the trite "I love my boyfriend until I realize I can have sex with someone hotter" storyline is already beginning to play out for two of the Real Worlders; the homosexual roommate disappears into the DC gayborhood never to be heard from again until the cast reunion. By day the cast would intern on Capitol Hill, where they could hone their copying and flirting skills, and by night they would drink in Adams Morgan, where they could hone their knife fighting skills. They could get arrested on the Metro for eating, boo Dick Cheney at a Nats game, help some tourists successfully find their way to the Spy museum, and attend a political rally -- basically live the well-rounded DC experience. Somewhere in there they could do all the mundane Real World activities, like make out in a hot tub and be too drunk and useless to work their assigned job. In the season finale, the cast would all happily agree that their season of the Real World would have been utterly unwatchable had they been forced to live in Denver.

Maryland's men give me March madness

So this past Saturday there was a huge bracket-breaking game that you probably didn't hear about: a number 1 seed lost to a number 16 seed at home. The reason you might have missed this gem of a story is because it was Maryland losing to Manhattan in the NIT, and no one has cared about that tournament for well over 40 years.

Well I say good riddance to this awful season. I'm glad that the class of 2006 recruits are done with their college careers, but I want to honor them and their accomplishments here at Maryland. It's true that they helped Maryland win its first ACC tournament in 20 years, but they also helped keep Maryland from getting to the NCAA tournament 2 years in a row, breaking an 11 year streak of NCAA invites. So with that in mind I want to introduce you to the star seniors of Maryland's basketball team:


Nik Caner-Medley

MVP... of doofy haircuts.
# of arrests: 1 -- who could forget his rallying cry "I'm from Maryland and nobody can beat me!" One can only assume that the addition "except for Manhattan!" was implied.
# of hook ups with women I know: 0, despite the best efforts of my college friends to get him to take me on a date for my 20th birthday.
# of last names: 2





Travis Garrison

MVP of... being tall and useless.
# of arrests: 1. Inappropriate touching AND slapping the girl thus making her lip bleed. What an a**hole. I hope he gets some sort of jail time -- maybe he could start on the Jessup basketball team. Actually, scratch that. I want him to get probation, because that'd probably prevent him from leaving the country or state -- which he'd have to do if he ever wants play basketball after college.
# of hook ups with women I know: at least 1, probably 2



Chris McCray

MVP of... fake conversation voicemail messages ("Hey wassup.... yeah, chillin.... what you up to?....Sike! Leave a message")
# of arrests: ~ 1. He was arrested in August for refusing to leave the scene of a fight, but those charges were dropped, though he was also a witness in Travis Garrison's arrest. So one dropped charge + being a witness = one arrest.
# of credits earned last semester: 0? I don't know but the point is that he was deemed academically ineligible. I find this very intriguing given that the athletes have tutors and even if they do skip class, generally their fellow classmates can and will help cover for them. I know this because I once did a French project for Earl Badu. I also know this because there is a facebook group called "I would have done Chris McCray's homework"
# of babies: 2? Rumor has it that this baby-faced cassanova has a few babies (no word on number of baby mamas). I bet when that first kid was born, its mama was really excited and thought she was set for life. Whoops. If he really does have two kids to feed, then Lord help this man take care of those kids.


John Gilchrist

MVP of... inconsistency
# of babies: 1. A little girl named Haven.
He left UMD almost a year ago --arrest free and without academic problems!-- so his stats sheet is a bit short. But since he's widely regarded by Maryland fans as unstable and the reason that MD sucked last year I wanted to include him here. Here's one last sweet stat:
Best rumor I'd ever heard about John Gilchrist: He got drunk and shat some girl's bed while/shortly after hooking up with her. I don't remember who I heard this from and I don't particularly believe it, but this is one of those cases where I'd prefer to think it's true.


Sterling Ledbetter

MVP of... being some guy
Who is this guy? Oh yeah that transfer from the juco. Well he doesn't count because he wasn't recruited to play immediately following our national championship. I'm sure he's an alright guy, but in the spirit of fairness since I just trashed all the other seniors:
Best insult I could rhyme to his last name: Bedwetter

Here's hoping that some of these gems are relegated to playing in the great cities that have CBA teams (Gary, IN; Sioux Falls, SD; Bismarck, ND; Muskegon, MI) as opposed to getting to live in Europe and play basketball. If they go to Sioux Falls, maybe we can all hang out when I visit!!