Celebrity Pregnancy (1) World News (0)

I have very, very limited access to TV and radio in the dorms, and my internet is pretty spotty. And even if I wanted to buy a newspaper I wouldn't have much time to read it. This leaves me with literally NO idea of what is going on outside of Craptown U. The past two days I've tried to educate myself bit by bit. Today, as I waited in a station I perused the newstand and found out that Nicole Richie is pregnant. And on Friday night I read all of the newsfeeds displayed on the NewsCorp building, and learned that some chica in Cali has P.Hil's old phone number. Apparently, there may or may not have been some terrorist activity somewhere in the world, but I didn't see much coverage on that. Someone please let me know if a war breaks out or something, because unless it happens on the bus I ride to school every day, I won't know about it.

DC Slogan Suggestions

So I'm a bit late with this news, but I figured it was worth talking about anyway: Washington D.C. is looking for a new slogan so as to rebrand itself and increase tourism. In order to rebrand the city, the DC government has hired an ad agency who in turn is inviting Washingtonians to "share their DC". As a 4th generation Washingtonian with a blog, I feel like it is my duty to suggest a few new slogans. Note that when I describe myself as a "Washingtonian" I do mean that I have only ever lived in the MD suburbs, but that's good enough. Far better, than say, living in NoVa where a bunch of slave-lovers took back the land they had originally given for the creation of the federal city. But this post is about Washington slogans (not why NoVa sucks) so let me proceed.

A slogan's supposed to encourage tourism and pride, and, if it's really good, make reference to a well known fact about the state (click here for a list of state slogans). For example, DC should aspire to get a slogan like Idaho's: "Great Potatoes. Tasty Destinations." That slogan makes me think for a second that it might be okay to at least drive through Idaho -- and I would've never considered that before.

DC's current slogans are abysmal. "Taxation without Representation" is a complaint, not a slogan. And, on top of that, it's unoriginal. DC might as well print "We're whiny and haven't come up with anything clever since 1776" on its license plates. "Celebrate and Discover" is just a meaningless phrase that makes DC sound as boring as Connecticut ("Full of Surprises") or Ohio ("So Much to Discover"). And having never been to either of those places I can safely say that their slogans trying to trick you into visiting haven't worked, so I don't see why a trick slogan for DC would work either. And finally, "The American Experience" doesn't even make sense. I'm not certain what the "American Experience" is, but I'm fairly certain that you couldn't fully experience America if you only visited DC. I mean, DC isn't even that fat -- so it can't be that American.



Stand on the right, walk on the left.
This slogan tells people the right way to ride an escalator, and also makes subtle reference to politics. I love this slogan, because we as a city need to provide more instructions to the Triple Fs (FBI-shirt wearers, fanny packers, and fat-asses) that the city is trying to entice. As a corollary, the WMATA slogan should be "So easy that a dead person could use it. If you can't use it, kill yourself."


Cheap & Clean
True statements, and important qualities when looking for a city to visit. As a bonus, this is also a pretty good slogan for a prostitute or young intern -- each being popular weekend activities for certain politicos.

As smart as it is pretty. This slogan gets at two of the the cities most striking characteristics: its highly intelligent citizenry (their love of Marion Barry notwithstanding), and it's beautiful architecture and foliage. It's close to what the slogan of most government officials should be (Smarter than they are pretty). I also like that it compares beauty and smarts, because I feel that DC is the cute brunette of cities. It's not flashy or fun like a Blond (New York), but it's pretty smart and can show you a relatively good time.

Where hope and optimism come to get jaded.
Have you ever seen the Simpson's episode where Lisa goes to Washington DC for a speech contest? That's what this slogan is all about. It may not be that catchy, but I bet there are more than a few Cap Hill staffers who can attest to this fact.

The city with a penis.
I think this picture speaks for itself.

Okay DC, I've given you some slogans. Now it's your turn to take these bits of genius, print them on tee-shirts, and then send me a check.

That's what you get for making a goat your parade leader

For those of you intrigued by my friend Amanda's comment about a hilarious story regarding a British military goat, here is a working link to this humorous story.
A British regiment that kept the goat as it's mascot "had no choice" but to demote the goat from his ceremonial rank of lance corporal all the way down to fusilier (which is British for private). Apparently the goat was so out of control during the parade held in honor of the Queen's birthday that he shamed his entire regiment. The goat "was trying to headbutt the waist and nether regions of the drummers," and was generally just zig zagging all over the place. Am I the only one who thinks this goat must have made the day of everyone watching what was no doubt an incredibly boring parade? How can a goat trying to headbut a drummer's "nether regions" ruin an event? Come on, Britain -- that's comedy gold! And yet, poor Billy lost his rank for his insubordination.
While I'm sure the goat doesn't care about any of this -- keep in mind this is an animal that thinks an aluminum can makes a good meal -- I bet the soldiers in his regiment are happy. That's because everyone with a lower rank than lance corporal had to salute the goat before his incredible insubordination. And you know that every time they saluted that damn goat they died a little inside In fact, I bet this was all a set up. The drummers probably got poor Billy wasted just so he would end up embarrassing himself.

A word (or one thousand...) on Britney's anti-paparazzi stance

If you were rich and famous (thereby making you more powerful than the large majority of the other 6 billion people that live on this planet) and you were going to be interviewed (giving you a platform to try to push a cause or interest near and dear to you heart). What would you talk about?
A) Annoyingly push a liberal agenda, like Ben Affleck (thus giving a bad name to liberals everywhere)
B) Scarily push a pro-gun conservative agenda, like Charlton Heston (thus giving a bad name to Moses-es everywhere)
C) Sexily encourage saving all of Africa, like Brangelina
D) Talk about something REALLY important. Something so crazily unreported that it affects only 100 people in the entire world, causing a nuisance for them on a semi-daily basis – including you as a famous person!


If you said D, chances are you’d be talking about the scourge that is paparazzi stalking. This also means that you and Miss Britney Spears Federline would be great friends. That’s because during Britney’s interview with Matt Lauer last week (p.s. Matt Lauer, did you ever have real journalistic credentials?), poor Britney cried about the paparazzi and all the scrutiny she has suffered since the birth of her baby.


Well boo-f*****g hoo, Britney. It enrages me to no end that someone famous would take the time to complain about the paparazzi. Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe that the paparazzi are obnoxious and use sometimes dangerous –even illegal—tactics to get their pictures. Have you ever had someone repeatedly take your picture at point blank range? It’s awfully annoying, but I still won’t side with whiny celebrities. Why? Because celebrities could change careers and move some place outside of LA and live a comfortable life somewhere else with all the money they have. Being a celebrity means that the paparazzi are going to be interested in you, and paparazzi pictures are a part of being a successful actress/actress/heiress/singer. Sure it may suck if you are a good actress and you enjoy your job, but part of your job is maintaining a certain level of fame. And guess what, you need the paparazzi and entertainment news shows in order to do that. So you could either suck it up and deal with that aspect of your job, or get out of the industry. But please, don’t talk about the paparazzi like they are a societal ill, because inappropriate paparazzi tactics don’t even crack the top one million concerns that face this country today. And how much sense does it make to complain about media attention during the course of a televised interview (aka, media attention)? Isn’t that a little counterproductive: to complain about people caring what you think, say and do while simultaneously encouraging people to better understand what you think, say and do via a fake-news interview?

And I don’t buy that the paparazzi are endangering the health and well-being of Brit’s kid. Quite frankly, it’s probably for the best that the paparazzi follow Britney and little Sean Preston around – at least that ensures that there will be a gainfully employed male-figure in their lives. Seriously Brit should not criticize the paparazzi. She should be on her knees every day thanking the good Lord that they even find her interesting enough to photograph. Because she hasn’t had a hit record in a while and she's fat and ugly (excuse me “pregnant”), so if the paparazzi weren’t photographing her no one would even know what the hell she was doing. All this “scrutiny” that is driving her crazy is the exact reason she continues to be relevant. No one cares anything about her anymore except for that she seems to be addicted to making poor choices. If she doesn’t like people passing judgment on her or taking pictures of her, then she should do something about it!

So Britney, the following suggestions are written especially for you. I've tried to use small declaritive sentences since you seem to be too simple to understand complex ideas (such as the importance of birth control):

1. Move the hell away from Los Angeles.
Fact: A lot of paparazzi live in Los Angeles. Fact: You, Britney, have no job prospects that would seem to require that you live in Los Angeles. Yet, for some reason this fact has not seemed to pass your mind. If a celebrity moves away from Los Angeles or New York and lives in a remote area, like Idaho (Demi Moore) or France (Johnny Depp) the paparazzi won’t follow you. At first they may tag after you, but eventually they’ll go away because it’s not worth it to them to spend money and time to follow just one person. Just enjoy the wealth you have in some sort of backwater neighborhood where you’d fit in. Go back home to Lousiana, or take your new navy manny and live on the Chesapeake Bay. I don’t care where you go, just go there and don’t come back. And if for some reason you want to rekindle the magic of your musical career, just build yourself a studio in your home.

2. Stop going to red-carpet events and parties, and making appearances on television and otherwise trying to keep your name in the press.
If you don't like being famous, then stop trying to be famous. When you go to events where paparazzi are waiting to photograph you, you’re only encouraging them to stalk you by creating publicity for yourself. Plus, you shouldn’t really be painting the town red when you’re pregnant and the mother of an infant. You should probably be doing things like reading the instructions on your car seat, and interviewing new nannies who can promise you they won’t drop your babies. Or, dare I say, interviewing divorce lawyers?

3. Stop having babies.
This suggestion has little to do with avoiding the paparazzi, and more to do with my concern for your pollution of the human gene pool with Federline-Spears babies.

Two things me and president Bush have in common

I don't know if you heard about this story at all, but President Bush made fun of a reporter who was wearing sunglasses during a press conference in the White House rose garden yesterday. The President joked with the LA times reporter that there was not enough sun to merit wearing the glasses and that maybe it was inappropriate to wear the glass while asking questions. Well, it turns out that the sunglasses-wearing reporter is legally blind and now Bush feels like an ass.

After reading an article about the incident I learned that the president and I have two things in common:

1) Me and G.W.B. are both awkward and likely to make fun of someone for something completely inappropriate, such as disability status.

2) Me and G.W.B. both have very low approval ratings. Nah, just kidding -- my approval ratings are at an all time high, especially for my position on the Iraq war and gas prices, so it's just George who has numbers in the basement. The real uncanny similarity between me and the president is that we both say "touché." (Read through the article).

Oh yahoo headlines

Frequently the headlines on yahoo are ridiculous, and the following headline is no exception. Katrina Report Rips the White House Anew While I understand the message of the headline, I think it's generally a bad idea to use a headline that seems like it's missing the world "A*****e" at the end of it.

p.s. That wasn't negative was it??

Oh the humanity

I've often thought that it is man's ability to create artwork that separates him from the apes. We write, sing, draw, paint, sculpt, and all monkeys can do is use sticks as tools and fight or have sex with each other. Oh and also they like to throw their own feces. But enough of my ape-condescenion, for I can be haughty no more when visiting the zoo's ape house. Not since any of these "art" projects surfaced anyway. I've since realized that sometimes, art is just the human race's take on flinging poo:

Exhibit A: the song "I'm in love with a stripper" by T-Pain. Imagine if a man with an annoying nasally voice decided to write a song over a karaoke beat. Now imagine that the entire point of this song is that he wants to have sex with a stripper. When I first heard the hook for T-Pain's "love song" to a stripper I thought it had great camp potential (a la any song ever written by R-Kelly), but alas T-Pain isn't quite that clever. He's so dumb in fact that he seems to think that being "in love with" a stripper is the same thing as "going to have sex repeatedly with" a stripper. Come on T-Pain, what are you a 19 year old girl? Sex does not equal love. Especially when it's between a rapper and a stripper. It's almost enough to make you long for the smart lyrics of the BEP as sung by the soothing voice of Fergie.

Exhibit B: statue of Britney Spears giving birth
What you see below is the profile of a statue in which a pregnant Britney Spears stretches seductively on all fours on a bear skin rug. What you don't see is that little Sean Preston can be seen crowning from the rear view of the statue.
Am I the only one who thinks this statue makes Brit seem like a cow? I mean, people don't give birth on all fours -- that's a barnyard animal thing. I think that's the sculptor's intent: to mock Britney spears for her trashy upbringing. Oh wait, what's that you say? It's supposed to be part of an anti-abortion display? Oh, well that would've been my second guess.

Exhibit C: Paris Hilton is going to be cast as Mother Teresa in a new Indian movie. This is not new news, and has been a story circulating for a while now. I'm guessing that this director thought, 'I know what will get my movie tons of press! I'll ask well-known skank to portray a well-known saint.!' Right on that count, but what this director doesn't know is that Paris is actually a good choice because Mother Teresa shared the same interests as Paris. I swear to God, MT's interests were helping the poor, praying, and video taping herself having sex. Sure it was a distant third compared to her other hobbies, but it still makes the list. Also, MT was heard to end her prayers with 'That's hot' rather than 'Amen.' Despite all the eery similarities, I don't think that Paris will really take the part. If only because Paris doesn't strike me as the sort of person who'd ever want to appear in makeup that would make her look ugly and old. Maybe also because the nun's habit would melt off her body, the way the nazi symbol melted off the crate holding the ark in Indiana Jones.

Cheese it - The FUZZ!

This is me too afraid to post because I think my dad reads my blog. Plus also technically I am not paid to write a blog, and things are pretty hectic in the mine sweeping and free celling industry these days. So until my real job settles down and I can think of a dad-friendly blog topic, I won't be posting anything.

If you want to read something that's updated every day read the Enron trial blog, which lets you know all the juicy details of the court precedings in Texas. Examples of such gossip include that one of the lawyers was wearing cologne so strong that it made a juror gag and a five minute recess had to be called so that the lawyer could wipe off the offending odor. Also, Bob Loblaw's appellate decision of the day law blog is updated ridiculously frequently considering that Bob Loblaw is a fictional character from a TV show that has been canceled.

Oh man, he should so write to 17 trauma-rama!

Lilo fell last week at a teaparty (sidenote to Erhardt: teaparties are dangerous AND queer, and that's why I'm not having one), and yet it wasn't even the klutziest thing that happend in jolly old England. In fact it wasn't even in the ball park. Drum roll please for the most mortifying thing to ever happen since man began to experience embarrassment:

"A museum visitor tripped on his shoelace, stumbled down a stairway and fell into a display of centuries-old Chinese vases, shattering them into small pieces."

They didn't have a picture to accompany the story but I think it's a pretty safe bet that the main character in this slapstick comedy looked something like this:


(for the full story click here)

Useless science

Apparently the question as to why some people have oily ear wax and other people have drier ear wax is an an "anthropologist's riddle."
Dry ear wax? It's genetic! You should definitely take two minutes to read this article, as it's earth-shattering findings will no doubt profoundly affect your life. Also it's kind of funny how earnestly excited the researchers are about ear wax. But it was not my own exuberance for ear wax that compelled me to write. No, it was the following phrase:

"Dry earwax may have given people in northeast Asia some advantage during past periods of cold climate, not freezing as readily, the researchers suspect, but 'this is still pretty speculative.'"

I bet you that the phrase that preceded this claim of freeze-proof ear wax went something like this, 'Look, I got nothing. It's bad enough that this is what I have to f******g research and now you want to bother me about why this is? I have no f*****g clue why this is, if you really want I can just pull some stupid guess out of my a** and you can bite me.' For obvious reasons, this quote was edited out.

Nonetheless, someone please enlighten to me as to how this suggestion could even be true. Because think about it: If it's cold enough to freeze ear wax -- a semi-liquid substance that is in a cavity inside your head -- you have got much much bigger problems. If you aren't already dead, you probably have lost all your digits and your nose to frost bite and your tongue is probably frozen to the roof of your mouth. If being resistant to the cold was really so important that natural selection would select for individuals with advantages against the cold, then wouldn't Asian people be fat and squat, and covered in fur? Nope, apparently they have flaky ear wax. If this article has proven anything (besides the fact that I need to stop reading the headlines that yahoo posts near my email inbox) it is that not all genetic research is worthwhile.

* please, if you are a geneticist, I welcome you to enlighten me about the nuances of this research that have no doubt been lost on me. I know that I am generally pretty clueless when it comes to science, but the logic of that suggestion (the admission that it was speculative notwithstanding) just didn't seem to follow.

14 things I want to tell you

So I am going to blatantly rip off Bunny's truth's blog by letting you know some things I feel strongly about but not so strongly that I'd write more than a sentence about it.


Andrae from Project Runway is my fave, because we both have little control over our own facial expressions. His problem may be a bit more serious since it happens while he's sober and on tv, and mine only afflicts me when I'm drunk and near digital cameras.


Having a tv quote about love in your aim profile is worse than popping your collar, but just as effective in letting people know that you're probably obnoxious.

Old people are hilarious, especially when they become too bored to live.

Watching MTV's tv show Sweet Sixteen will make the word "deserve" lose all meaning. Though it will put the pain of having to wait to get your Range Rover till after you get your license into perspective. Dry your eyes, sweet Ava!




Beth from RW gauntlet should go Diddy-style and get a job as a spokesperson for pro-activ. My reasons for this are threefold: 1) She will fulfill her apparent dream of being on tv. 2) She will fulfill my dream that reality tv stars get some sort of job. 3) She will take care of her adult acne.

NEWSFLASH: College graduates are stupid! I am not suprised by this at all. After four years of listening to morons talk in class and having to work with them on group projects, I'm just glad that finally there is proof that many of my classmates were stupid. Before I just thought I was a condescending bitch, now I know I was just right all along.


I am also not suprised at all by the news that many Americans think that winning the lottery is the most practical way to gain wealth. I guess they weren't allowed to say that marrying up was the best way to gain wealth. If Anna Nicole Smith has taught me nothing, it is that if you want to be rich you better marry some rich dude.

Upon further review, I dont' really think that Julia Roberts' performance in Erin Brokovich should have earned her an Oscar. Seriously, how does the woman who starred in Runaway Bride have an Oscar and Don Cheadle has nothing? Blasphemy!

Brokeback mountain was good, but not super good.

Certain quotes don't mean anything. Example: "Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains." I don't care that Churchill said this, it's dumb. Besides, age isn't always a reliable indicator for someone's political leanings. A more accurate quote would be about someone's income, as in "Any man who makes less than $30,000 a year and is not a liberal is brainless; and any man who makes more than $300,000 a year and is not a conservative is a Hollywood actor."

I hate MTV but can't stop watching it. It's the most unhealthy relationship I have in my life.

Putting someone's screen name in your aim profile is a blatant invitation for everyone else on your buddy list to begin stalking that person.


The ribbon magnets really piss me off. Not because of the message or because they are hideous, but because they are removable. If you care enough to pay money to stick something to your car you better make it permanent. That's why I've stolen some -- to teach people the importance of committing to a cause.




How is Oprah like the Wu Tang Clan?

Because she ain't nuthin to f**k wit. Take that James Frey. I didn't see the show myself (as I generally refuse to watch her show) but the clips I've seen are pretty brutal. Just like Hermes and the beef industry learned, no one fucks with Oprah and gets away with it. No one.

Choose your god-damned battles

When I first heard about putting the Christ back into Christmas I was excited that Christians were going to finally advocate some Christian things... maybe they wanted us to volunteer this advent season. Or maybe they wanted us to give all the money we would have spent on presents to a charity. Clearly I should have known better to think anything like this would be advocated if Jerry Falwell is involved. They aren't saying that we should take the average $767 that Americans planned on spending this Christmas on furbies and i-pods and donate it. No, they are saying that we should buy Christmas cards and Christmas trees from stores that wish us a Merry Christmas. That is how we can put Christ back into Christmas. If I hear one more thing about the "putting Christ back into Christmas" controversy I'm going to steal every baby jesus from every nativity scene I can find and burn them all in a large formation that says "Happy Holidays!"

Not that it takes much to make me want to start a baby jesus bonfire, but seriously these people are driving me nuts. Who cares that big-box chain stores say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas? Who cares that George Bush's christmas cards don't say "Merry Christmas?" Who cares that tree in front of the Capitol is a Christmas tree and not a "Holiday" tree? Idiots. That's who cares about these things. I can almost guarantee that this whole thing started when some bored conservative wanted to raise a ruckus and couldn't find any gay people to persecute nor any planned parenthoods to picket.

But maybe I am being too harsh. Perhaps it is true that every time an underpaid cashier at Walmart says "Happy Holidays" the bright and shining meaning of Christmas dims just a little. Yeah right. And maybe Christ was actually born on the 25th of December. Saying "Happy Holidays" doesn't demean Christmas at all because Christmas isn't really all that Christian. Christmas is capitalism first and Jesus second. It's a pagan holiday that was co-opted by the early Christian church, and then later co-opted by some department store genius. And you know what, I enjoy it more that way. Many Christmas traditions in and of themselves don't require any sort of faith in any religion to enjoy them. It's mainly about being with your family, eating fatty food, liking the smell of pine, getting presents, and spending money.


I could put Christ into Christmas, but then I'd be lame and preachy. Instead I think I may start my own campaign. It's called "Put the Happy in 'Happy Holidays'" Step one is to burn an effigy of Jerry Falwell. I'm unclear of what comes next, but I'm open to suggestion.