I have been under a rock

Not really, just in a classroom in the Bronx. When it comes to celebrities, though, a rock's underbelly and a public school dungeon might as well be the same thing. Imagine my surprise (you don't really have to because you're already reading about it) when I read today that Scarlett Johansson and Van Wilder got married. I didn't even know they were even dating! How the hell did they meet? How does Alanis feel about all this?? Well, way to go Ryan Reynolds. I've liked you since Two Guys and A Pizza Place, so I'm happy that you've got such a pretty wife.

In other shocking news, Efren Ramirez (aka Napoleon Dynamite's Pedro) is 35 years old today, which is about 14 years older than I would've guessed. Happy birthday you incognito old man.

Don't go there Anderson

I was going to blog about something ridiculous and make fun of it to much hilarious effect, and then I found this video and figured -- why bother? Anderson Cooper is more than catty enough for the both of us.

Is it just me or...

Recently, I've been watching more America's Best Dance Crew than should be considered healthy, and have noticed that Lil Mama (singer of my favorite song about lip gloss) is secretly 80 years old.

Exhibit A: Lil Mama's crazy color-coordinated and bedazzled outfits.
Lil Mama is definitely receiving some divine inspiration from a grandma somewhere down in Florida. Or maybe she's just a fan of Maxine from Shoebox cards. Whatever the source, it's clear that Lil Mama likes rhinestones on everything from her baseball cap to her track jacket.

Exhibit B: Lil Mama's often incoherent judgements.
This verbatim judgement is from a recent episode. I assure you that, even in context, this quote is highly incomprehensible.

Um uh I definitely feel that you guys need to rehearse different types of sway. Because um you're opening was great, and that's something that you're used to you know what I mean. Uh wavey fingers and stuff like that -- I don't know what you call it. It was cute. And then and then y'all went into the bounce. You know what I mean. And the bounce was kinda off then y'all caught it. Ya know what I mean? The bounce was really fast and then it went slow. Ya know what I mean? You gotta learn how to bounce in and out of music. [Throws to a slow mo clip of a dancer doing a wind mill] This is what makes you guys so great. When you can have one person doing this, while the rest of you guys are occupying the audience you know what I mean and keeping us entertained. Just make sure that you put that extra stab in the heart of the chicken. You feel me? Do y'all thang.

Exhibit C: She's called Lil Mama, which sounds like a grandma's nickname.

Ladies and gentleman, I rest my case.

Warning: this post includes naked images of Verne Troyer

I was just perusing through yahoo news clips when I found the following story about Verne Troyer's sex tape. Apparently a judge has put a halt to plans to release the tape as Troyer and his lawyer argue that releasing the 50 minute (!) video, which was supposedly stolen from his house, would case "irreparable damage" to his reputation. I find the notion that a sex tape would do harm to Troyer's reputation quite laughable, as the following scene from the Surreal Life didn't seem to do him too much harm. For those of you who aren't big Surreal Life fans, this 5 minute scene shows a heavily intoxicated Troyer making sex noises and nakedly peeing in the corner of a room. If that won't hurt you, I can't imagine how a sex tape would.

Tubbs is Delusional

A while ago, for reasons I can no longer recall, I was googling Phillip Michael Thomas (aka the dude who played Tubbs on Miami Vice). My search led me to IMDB and to one of the most ridiculous biographies I have ever read. It was so ridiculous that I felt it necessary to share it with you. Here are some excerpts from the biography, followed with my interpretation of the BS:

"... before landing the role in 1984 that made him a household name - and took him on a whirlwind tour of the globe and into the presence of heads of state (including President Ronald Reagan and Nelson Mandela), fellow celebrities, and countless adoring fans."

translation: He shook hands with a few presidents and got invited to a few parties.

"Despite world-wide stardom as an actor of both stage and screen, it is music that is PMT's biggest passion. One long-time friend recently referred to the musical side of PMT as "an undiscovered diamond.""

translation: His acting is subpar, and so he prefers to focus on music. Unfortunately, his music isn't that great, which is why the only positive review to be found is an uncredited quote from a friend.

"... PMT released two highly regarded albums: Livin' the Book of My Life (1985) and Somebody (1988), both on his own Starship Records label, with distribution by industry giant Atlantic Records. Although much loved by fans to this day, his albums didn't sell as well as expected (perhaps due to a wide range of musical styles that defied pigeonhole) and remain out of print, although they often fetch a tidy sum on eBay."

translation: These albums sucked, and only hold a kitsch appeal.

"PMT loves Florida and has chosen to make his home there instead of L.A. or New York as do most of his colleagues. Naturally, this keeps him out of the limelight, but it's a mistake to assume that just because his name isn't regularly splashed across the tabloids that he's not keeping himself busy."

translation: PMT is keeping himself busy reliving the glory days of a television show that has been off the air for nearly 20 years.

Celebrity Pregnancy (1) World News (0)

I have very, very limited access to TV and radio in the dorms, and my internet is pretty spotty. And even if I wanted to buy a newspaper I wouldn't have much time to read it. This leaves me with literally NO idea of what is going on outside of Craptown U. The past two days I've tried to educate myself bit by bit. Today, as I waited in a station I perused the newstand and found out that Nicole Richie is pregnant. And on Friday night I read all of the newsfeeds displayed on the NewsCorp building, and learned that some chica in Cali has P.Hil's old phone number. Apparently, there may or may not have been some terrorist activity somewhere in the world, but I didn't see much coverage on that. Someone please let me know if a war breaks out or something, because unless it happens on the bus I ride to school every day, I won't know about it.

A word (or one thousand...) on Britney's anti-paparazzi stance

If you were rich and famous (thereby making you more powerful than the large majority of the other 6 billion people that live on this planet) and you were going to be interviewed (giving you a platform to try to push a cause or interest near and dear to you heart). What would you talk about?
A) Annoyingly push a liberal agenda, like Ben Affleck (thus giving a bad name to liberals everywhere)
B) Scarily push a pro-gun conservative agenda, like Charlton Heston (thus giving a bad name to Moses-es everywhere)
C) Sexily encourage saving all of Africa, like Brangelina
D) Talk about something REALLY important. Something so crazily unreported that it affects only 100 people in the entire world, causing a nuisance for them on a semi-daily basis – including you as a famous person!


If you said D, chances are you’d be talking about the scourge that is paparazzi stalking. This also means that you and Miss Britney Spears Federline would be great friends. That’s because during Britney’s interview with Matt Lauer last week (p.s. Matt Lauer, did you ever have real journalistic credentials?), poor Britney cried about the paparazzi and all the scrutiny she has suffered since the birth of her baby.


Well boo-f*****g hoo, Britney. It enrages me to no end that someone famous would take the time to complain about the paparazzi. Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe that the paparazzi are obnoxious and use sometimes dangerous –even illegal—tactics to get their pictures. Have you ever had someone repeatedly take your picture at point blank range? It’s awfully annoying, but I still won’t side with whiny celebrities. Why? Because celebrities could change careers and move some place outside of LA and live a comfortable life somewhere else with all the money they have. Being a celebrity means that the paparazzi are going to be interested in you, and paparazzi pictures are a part of being a successful actress/actress/heiress/singer. Sure it may suck if you are a good actress and you enjoy your job, but part of your job is maintaining a certain level of fame. And guess what, you need the paparazzi and entertainment news shows in order to do that. So you could either suck it up and deal with that aspect of your job, or get out of the industry. But please, don’t talk about the paparazzi like they are a societal ill, because inappropriate paparazzi tactics don’t even crack the top one million concerns that face this country today. And how much sense does it make to complain about media attention during the course of a televised interview (aka, media attention)? Isn’t that a little counterproductive: to complain about people caring what you think, say and do while simultaneously encouraging people to better understand what you think, say and do via a fake-news interview?

And I don’t buy that the paparazzi are endangering the health and well-being of Brit’s kid. Quite frankly, it’s probably for the best that the paparazzi follow Britney and little Sean Preston around – at least that ensures that there will be a gainfully employed male-figure in their lives. Seriously Brit should not criticize the paparazzi. She should be on her knees every day thanking the good Lord that they even find her interesting enough to photograph. Because she hasn’t had a hit record in a while and she's fat and ugly (excuse me “pregnant”), so if the paparazzi weren’t photographing her no one would even know what the hell she was doing. All this “scrutiny” that is driving her crazy is the exact reason she continues to be relevant. No one cares anything about her anymore except for that she seems to be addicted to making poor choices. If she doesn’t like people passing judgment on her or taking pictures of her, then she should do something about it!

So Britney, the following suggestions are written especially for you. I've tried to use small declaritive sentences since you seem to be too simple to understand complex ideas (such as the importance of birth control):

1. Move the hell away from Los Angeles.
Fact: A lot of paparazzi live in Los Angeles. Fact: You, Britney, have no job prospects that would seem to require that you live in Los Angeles. Yet, for some reason this fact has not seemed to pass your mind. If a celebrity moves away from Los Angeles or New York and lives in a remote area, like Idaho (Demi Moore) or France (Johnny Depp) the paparazzi won’t follow you. At first they may tag after you, but eventually they’ll go away because it’s not worth it to them to spend money and time to follow just one person. Just enjoy the wealth you have in some sort of backwater neighborhood where you’d fit in. Go back home to Lousiana, or take your new navy manny and live on the Chesapeake Bay. I don’t care where you go, just go there and don’t come back. And if for some reason you want to rekindle the magic of your musical career, just build yourself a studio in your home.

2. Stop going to red-carpet events and parties, and making appearances on television and otherwise trying to keep your name in the press.
If you don't like being famous, then stop trying to be famous. When you go to events where paparazzi are waiting to photograph you, you’re only encouraging them to stalk you by creating publicity for yourself. Plus, you shouldn’t really be painting the town red when you’re pregnant and the mother of an infant. You should probably be doing things like reading the instructions on your car seat, and interviewing new nannies who can promise you they won’t drop your babies. Or, dare I say, interviewing divorce lawyers?

3. Stop having babies.
This suggestion has little to do with avoiding the paparazzi, and more to do with my concern for your pollution of the human gene pool with Federline-Spears babies.

The sad part is, Tom thinks her name is Irus

I felt on edge all afternoon, the adrenaline electrified the hairs on my neck so that they stood straight on end. My mood plummeted and I descended into a despair so deep I felt as if I could never smile again. I feared that I was going crazy, then I saw this headline on yahoo: Cruise, Holmes Have Baby Girl Named Suri and realized it was only natural that I felt as if a part of my soul died -- TomKat's baby was born today.
Yes, it's true: Tom Cruise's alien baby is born. She is healthy and her name is Suri, and she will either be the savior (if you're the sort who likes Dawson's Creek and dyslexics) or ruination (if you're the sort who fears and mocks scientology) of humanity. It is of the utmost importance now that we all focus positive energy on Michelle Williams' baby, Matilda, so that she may grow strong to some day counter the evil of the Tomkitten.

NICK LACHEY + K. CAV = GRAPHICS INSANITY

Just like that poor little boy said to Shoeless Joe after the black sox scandal, I turn my weary eyes to K.Cav and say, 'Say it ain't so!' But if page six is to believed, then apparently Kristin and Nick are dating. While I'm a bit mystified (and clearly horrified, though I can't decide which of these E-listers dissapoints me more with this coupling) it does make a bit of sense. Flashback 7 years ago when Nick Lachey was a spry young 24 year old man leching on a 17 year old Jessica Simpson. She was blonde, dumb, large breasted, barely legal but clearly had more starpower than a man who made up only 1/4 of the band 98 degrees -- which is approximately a freezing cold 24 degrees. Dissolve back into the present. At 31, Nick is single and suing for alimony payments because no one wants to pay to hear him sing, and his Dancing-with-the-Stars-winning, uglier-little-brother Drew is more popular than him. So what does he do? Why he returns to his roots of being a pederast for hot, dumb, blonde boobies. At least he sticks with what he knows.















The bad news for him is that Kristin only really likes guys with multi-syllabic names as shouting their names showcases her beautiful accent. Also their names don't sound good together. What are you going to call them? Nicktin? Krisck? At best those are Scandanavian names and at worst those are presciption drugs that curb your cigarette cravings. But in the interest of possibly getting to see this nonsense unfold on MTV, I say cheers to you Nicktin, may you spawn many a tabloid cover, possibly some minor paparazzi fender benders, and a few beautiful duets before you are dunzo.

Comments

1) On the latest cover of the venerable news outlet US Weekly, they drop the bombshell that Jessica Simpson cheated on Nick Lachey with a "badboy rocker." Who on earth could this badboy rocker be? Why it's none other than Maroon 5's lead singer Adam Levine. Um, US Weekly I don't know what you think constitutes a "bad boy rocker" but it is NOT Adam Levine. This guy weighs 127 lbs (TOPS) and croons the sort of songs that make insipid sorority girls weep as they make scrapbooks for their boyfriends. I know this is true as my I cried all over my boyfriend's scrapbook when "She will be loved" came on my MP3 player.


2) Myheritage.com is notoriously inaccurate, however they were disturbingly correct when they said my boyfriend looked like Rita Hayworth:





















3) Blue-collar comedy tour is not funny. At all. In fact there are so few things that are less funny than this "comedy" tour that I can list them here for you: 1) Genocide 2) 9/11 3) Carson Daly.

Questions

Questions1) Am I the only one who thinks that the Olsen twins are robots?Best case scenario these girls were born without souls, worst case scenario these girls are undead. This ain't no ad for Badgly & Mischka -- it's a warning that they're coming to eat your brains.

2) Remember Clarissa Explains it All? More specifically, do you remember Clarissa's snotty little brother Ferguson? And if you do remember him, do you have any idea what happened to him? Well apparently I was not the only one wondering as I found a relatively updated picture of Ferguson Darling here. Good to know he's so happy and not at some Meth clinic. Now if only I could track down Clarissa's friend Sam...

3) Why didn't rapper Juvanile make a song to raise funds for Katrina victims? Isn't he from New Orleans? I know that it would be stepping out of a comfort zone for him to make a song in which no women back it up, work that back, or do the rodeo but it seems to be the least he could do for a city that gave him an accent that generally masks the fact that he can't rap. Also, how hard could it be to write a rap song when most of the time you just rhyme the same words over and over again?

God can't claim responsibility for this

Or can he? Since technically I don't think "Brang" (my shortened term for Brangelina) was ever officially confirmed, maybe Angie's baby is the result of immaculate conception? That's what I'm hoping because I honestly can't imagine what the baby would look like. Brad & Ang have too many distinct features to be blended in any complimentary way for Brangelina, jr. to be attractive. In any case, looks like at least one of my outlandish predictions has been disproved.

Outlandish predictions for 2006

I'm going to play Nostradamus for a second and try and predict the most popular headlines for the upcoming year. Here goes:

1. A sex tape of Laguna Beach "star" LC will surface, revealing that she is just as boring when being filmed naked with an infrared camera as she is normally.

2. Samuel Alito, on the verge of gaining a seat on the Supreme Court, will have to remove his nomination after it is discovered that he is in a secret gay relationship. With Antonin Scalia.

3. An awful and shocking earthquake swallows much of Cincinatti. Sharon Stone writes a song about the catastrophe to help the rebuilding effort, but no one buys the record because few people outside of the Cincinatti metropolitan area see a reason to rebuild.

4. Britney and K-Fed divorce. World struggles to act surprised.

5. President Bush, upon realizing that fessin' up about details on spying and the war helps his approval rating, keeps it too real. In a rare candid Q&A session during a town hall, Bush admits that Cheney masterminded the misuse of Iraqi intelligence and accidentally gets his VP impeached. Cheney vows to eat the young of all who voted against him.

6. 2005's boho/gypsy fashion trend is replaced in 2006 by the infinitely superior trend of dressing like a pirate. Paris Hilton trades in her latest mammalian pet for a parrot.

7. Christian Conservatives will begin their own colony in the western part of Kansas. It will be destroyed, almost immediately, by a tornado.

8. Angelina Jolie will deny being pregnant until she actually gives birth. Neither she nor Brad will acknowledge that the baby is the product of their love until the child is seven.

9. In a shocking and disturbing discovery, scientists reveal that pandas are not real animals, but rather sophisticated robot spies that allow the Chinese government to monitor the USA. It is later revealed that furbies use much of the same technology.

10. Jenna Bush crashes her car into a Subway sandwich shop while drunk. No one is harmed, and Jenna Bush remains the 2nd most shameful member of the Bush family. The most shameful? Billy Bush.

11. Harriet Miers, former Supreme Court Nominee, will star on the sixth season of the Surreal Life on VH1 where she'll shock (and appall) the world with her affinity for walking around the house nude.

12. The Washington Redskins will win the Superbowl.

More suggestions for livin right

More New Years' resolutions in honor of the observed holiday, which I hope you were observing very closely.

Get a job.

This resolution is aimed directly at the ex-Real Worlders and Road Rulers who insist on staying on tv even though some of these people are old (Beth), fat (Syrus), and not attractive (Montana).

Some of these people went to college, so I know they must have loans to pay off, and yet here they are competing on MTV for undazzling amounts of money and xboxes. What were their life plans had they not been chosen to be on some reality tv show? One of these people must have aspired to be something beyond a professional tv drunkard/obstacle course expert/pathetic celeb wannabe (apparently they also make speaking appearances where they talk about things they are "experts" in, such as conflict resolution and alcohol/drug addiction. I think a better topic would be, "How to trick people into paying money to hear you bulls**t on something you know very little about")

Moreover, these people need jobs because they just shouldn't be famous. These people aren't interesting enough to be famous, because if they were they'd already have their own tv shows. (See Laguna Beach's Kristin new show for proof. Granted her show is on UPN and looks dumb, but you know what she's only 18 and she already got a gig off of MTV, so eat it Timmy). On top of that, there is just no security in the labor market that is reality tv competitions. There is no pension plan for being on the Battle of the Sexes, and clearly you can't keep bungy jumping, sitting on blocks of ice, and carrying tires till you turn 65. You know Mark is about to break a hip, and I bet MTV doesn't offer good medical coverage just for being on the Gauntlet 2. Plus, it's got to be a pain in the ass to have part of your income come to you in the form of electronics. So please, to all ex-cast members of the Real World who I remember so fondly from my childhood (and the trailer trash from Road Rules that no one ever remembers) get a job. Many fast food restaurants hire year round, and becoming a tradesman is always a lucrative choice.

Consider adoption/annullment.
Run Katie Run!



Go to a deserted island. Stay there. Strongly consider suicide.
Tom, this means you.

An actual love.angel.music baby to be born

So according to "reliable sources" (e.g. a blog about celebrities and the Washington Express) Gwen Stefani is preggers. Say wha?! Given her obsession with harajuku girls (which have yielded many a creepy video and crazy outfit in the past year) I bet you she's going to make her baby dress up like some sort of weirdo Japanese street kid. Lord help that child because you know it's going to get some sort of weird name that makes Apple Martin seem downright run of the mill.



I like Gwen Stefani but she has been getting weirder and weirder. Ever since that confusing pirate video that accompanied that torturous and contradictory ditty "If I were a rich girl," I've been concerned. Maybe I'm missing something but to me, pirates + Fiddler on the roof sample + Eve + Japanese girls = lsd trip. Then there's her song "Harajuku Girls" which sounds like something Paris Hilton's dumber twin could have written. For those of you unfamiliar with this song, here's a sample lyric "I'm fascinated by the Japanese fashion scene/ Just an American girl, in the Tokyo streets/ My boyfriend bought me a Hysteric Glamour shirt." Plus she makes those Harajuku hos follow her around. Why don't they ever get to speak? Why do they have to go everywhere with her? Why do they always have to fawn all over her and stand behind her? I think they are actually her slaves.

I think we as a society need to put our foot down on eccentric stars. Because one day they're cool and cutting-edge by wearing only one glove and taking Webster to the grammies, and then next thing you know they're naming their kids Prince and Prince II Blanket and molesting children. Or worse, they've become scientologists. Being creative and talented does not give you cart blanche to do whatever (ahem Roman Polanski). So cheers to you Gwen (and the completely irrelevant Gavin Rossdale) on your baby, but I've got my eye on you....

Rest in Peace...

... the TalKim marriage... Your engagment burned bright and fast like a white star that burned itself out. Who am I kidding, clearly the best comparison for this engagement is a coke high. The real tragedy here is that Talan will never have that threesome, though I'm always looking on the bright side. Hopefully the next LB alum on K.Stew's list is J-Wahl.



... Arrested Development... what a sudden and senseless death for the funniest show on television. Truly, you deserved better. My only consolation is that Gob and Lindsay are in heaven doing their chicken impressions with God. And also that George Michael finally made out with Maeby.

... Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey... I guess Jessica finally realized she could probably get someone better, and that Nick realized that he is just some Cinci-trash. But still, even deaths that are long over due should be mourned. I'm hoping this death is quickly followed by the death of Joe Simpson's creepy hold over his daughters. Maybe Jessica will get involved with a scientologist a la Katie Holmes and break ties with her friends and family?

... Laguna Beach... This death hurts me the most, since its more of a persistent vegetative state than actual death. Nonetheless it's the kind of vegetative state that merits starving to death. LB's third season stars are busted. More busted than even Kristin's friend Alex. This show is totally Dunzo. And The Hills is Dunzo On Arrival. Without an evil foil like Kristin, LC is just a fashion poseur making googly eyes at any guy who tells her she's pretty. So listen up LC either get addicted to Heroin or get off tv, because you're not interesting.

... the Terrapins' hopes for the post season... Death has thankfully come to put this turtle out of its long-suffering and tortuous misery. Sometimes, the Lord is merciful, maybe he will also be generous and give us a good quarterback for next year? (Watch out, because as sad as it makes me the Redskins are in the ICU and probably about to join the terps)

Too bad these crazy kids couldn't work it out

Oprah and Roger Ebert went on two dates, and he took her to "hamburger hamlet" which I'm assuming is a fat people euphemism for knockin' da boots. (It should also be noted here that this couple is only slightly more far-fetched than Talan and K. Stew.) Apparently Ebert also was the person who convinced her to syndicate her show. So thanks Ebert, if it weren't for you middle aged white women would have nothing to do every day at 4 pm. Except for their gardener and/or their kids' ritalin.

One of the worst ideas ever in the history of man

I'm sure there are far worse ideas (e.g. naming someone Talan), but Talan from Laguna Beach marrying Kimberly Stewart is certainly one of the stupidest. She is 26 and he is 19. The happy couple have been dating for 2 months at the most, but probably closer to 2 weeks. When I watched the Laguna Beach episode that featured Talan singing, I felt so embarrassed for him and thought surely, if there is a god he would not let this child do something more assinine than that. And then apparently this engagement happened. I'm guessing Talan is doing this to try and work his way into a threesome with Paris, and that Kimberly is doing it because she wanted to get engaged like her friends. If this wedding occurs, as God as my witness I will be there.