Yikes!

So I've noticed a pattern in all the Olympic events I've been watching: China is a dominating force in just about everything. At first I thought this was due to the communist-country model of athletic factories which crank out top athletes. And then I thought maybe it was all apart of China's riff on Hitler's plan for the Nazi-Olympics (i.e. prove to the world that your country and people are awesome, concerns about your human rights record be damned). But then I took a closer look at some of the events China for which has been amassing medals:

Archery.

Judo.

Shooting.

Weightlifting.

Wrestling (freestyle and Greco-Roman).

Anything sticking out to you? Because it seems pretty clear to me that China is creating a super-human force of special agent spies !

Or, in the case of the gymnasts, a new cast for Cirque du Soleil.

Dream Deferred

Last week my kids went to the school library where the school librarian taught them about Martin Luther King. Our school librarian grew up in the segregated south so she tried to explain to my students what segregation was like. She talked about how inadequate her education had been.She explained that black people weren't allowed to go to school with white people. She explained that the kids at her school didn't have enough materials, and that all their books were old and broken.

There are no white students in my school. Though the school does get newish text books, the school does lack many supplies and materials. Right now I'm teaching a geometry unit without the benefit of enough block shapes to teach my students about 3-D figures. My students with special needs (language difficulties, ESL, emotional difficulties) never get the services to which they are legally entitled. A week in which my students receive even 45 minutes of ESL instruction is a miracle. But my school isn't even that bad: we received a B+ grade on the NYC quality review.

How do you explain the importance of the civil rights movement to six year olds if some things haven't changed significantly?

Rain is so NOT awesome

Other things that are NOT awesome:
* Finding 2 holes in your basement wall that pour water from the rain-soaked ground and into your basement.

* The drain in your basement that is raised a quarter of an inch off the ground rather than recessed to allow for easy drainage.

* The landlord that repeatedly tells you that you must have failed to remove leaves from the outdoor drain when you tell her that your basement is flooded. And when you tell her about the holes you found in the wall she repeats her concerns about your failure to clear the drain.

* Sprickets that know how to find the high ground when a flood is afoot.

* The sediment that seeps in with the water and muddies the floor.

* The sick-ass water that gets all over you as you try to save your roommate's posessions.

* Your roommate's lack of renter's insurance to cover all the stuff he lost in this mini-flood.

* Getting drunk because you think it's the only way to save the beers you found in the shorted-out fridge in the basement.

* The smell of mildew that will certainly engulf your house in the coming days.

I'm wasting my youth on netflix

Some movies are bad, like Showgirls and Mannequin, but I love them. And some movies are bad like Swimming Pool or Memoirs of a Geisha and I hate them with the passion of a thousand burning suns. Generally the difference between bad-bad and bad-good movies is length and unintentional comedy, but neither of the two movies I spent a whopping six hours watching last week could be redeemed. And when I write bad I don't mean "bad" as in "good" like the Michael Jackson song, I mean "bad" as in "oh my god I'm wasting my life and the only way to remedy this is to waste some more of my precious early 20s time blogging about it." Six hours is a ridiculously long time. Here are some things I could have been doing instead of watching these movies:

I could have....
* Driven to North Carolina
* Worked most of a full work day.
* Taught a child how to read
* Taken my great grandmother out to lunch
* Debated the hilarity/tragedy behind bizarre causes of deaths such as being hit by a falling tree, dachsund mauling, or "death by alligator" in a blog entry
* Cleaned my room
* Visited 2 Smithsonian museums
* Gotten an entire night's sleep
* Downloaded hundreds of songs for my ipod
* Written and produced a 30 second PSA on the dangers of feeding alligators to help combat the disturbing rise of deaths by Alligator attack in Florida. This would have been done out of guilt for even suggesting that being attacked by an Alligator is funny in the fictional blog post I wrote.
* Made a jello mold for Lauren's birthday

* Flown to California
* Made $500 using the guaranteed informercial Foreign Currency Exchange system "4x"
* Walked to Northern Virginia, which is a weird since I'd usually rather do anything than go to NoVa
* Made a completely edible get well card Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro out of carrots, apples and oats
* Stalked people on myspace

Thanks Netflix, you're really holding me back. And that's pretty selfish, because I could have been doing a lot of good for the world. Also, I hold my roommates responsible as the movies I saw were not movies I put on the queue. Please people, save yourselves from this world of broken dreams and regret. Do not watch either Memoirs of a Geisha or Swimming Pool. Unless of course you like boringness and Asian women (Memoirs), or boringness and ugly sex (Swimming Pool), but then I probably don't know you. Or, will lose all desire to continue knowing you. I would write a really hilarious post about the hundreds of reasons Memoirs is bad or the thousands of reasons Swimming Pool is bad but I don't feel like engaging in any further discussions about these life-stealing monstrosities. No, those movies ruined my day when I watched them and I'm not going to let them ruin any more days in my future.

Oh the humanity

I've often thought that it is man's ability to create artwork that separates him from the apes. We write, sing, draw, paint, sculpt, and all monkeys can do is use sticks as tools and fight or have sex with each other. Oh and also they like to throw their own feces. But enough of my ape-condescenion, for I can be haughty no more when visiting the zoo's ape house. Not since any of these "art" projects surfaced anyway. I've since realized that sometimes, art is just the human race's take on flinging poo:

Exhibit A: the song "I'm in love with a stripper" by T-Pain. Imagine if a man with an annoying nasally voice decided to write a song over a karaoke beat. Now imagine that the entire point of this song is that he wants to have sex with a stripper. When I first heard the hook for T-Pain's "love song" to a stripper I thought it had great camp potential (a la any song ever written by R-Kelly), but alas T-Pain isn't quite that clever. He's so dumb in fact that he seems to think that being "in love with" a stripper is the same thing as "going to have sex repeatedly with" a stripper. Come on T-Pain, what are you a 19 year old girl? Sex does not equal love. Especially when it's between a rapper and a stripper. It's almost enough to make you long for the smart lyrics of the BEP as sung by the soothing voice of Fergie.

Exhibit B: statue of Britney Spears giving birth
What you see below is the profile of a statue in which a pregnant Britney Spears stretches seductively on all fours on a bear skin rug. What you don't see is that little Sean Preston can be seen crowning from the rear view of the statue.
Am I the only one who thinks this statue makes Brit seem like a cow? I mean, people don't give birth on all fours -- that's a barnyard animal thing. I think that's the sculptor's intent: to mock Britney spears for her trashy upbringing. Oh wait, what's that you say? It's supposed to be part of an anti-abortion display? Oh, well that would've been my second guess.

Exhibit C: Paris Hilton is going to be cast as Mother Teresa in a new Indian movie. This is not new news, and has been a story circulating for a while now. I'm guessing that this director thought, 'I know what will get my movie tons of press! I'll ask well-known skank to portray a well-known saint.!' Right on that count, but what this director doesn't know is that Paris is actually a good choice because Mother Teresa shared the same interests as Paris. I swear to God, MT's interests were helping the poor, praying, and video taping herself having sex. Sure it was a distant third compared to her other hobbies, but it still makes the list. Also, MT was heard to end her prayers with 'That's hot' rather than 'Amen.' Despite all the eery similarities, I don't think that Paris will really take the part. If only because Paris doesn't strike me as the sort of person who'd ever want to appear in makeup that would make her look ugly and old. Maybe also because the nun's habit would melt off her body, the way the nazi symbol melted off the crate holding the ark in Indiana Jones.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I love Valentine's day, even when I'm single. Admittedly, a lot of this is because of the holiday's proximity to my birthday (which is hands down my favorite holiday... yes I consider my birthday a holiday. We celebrate Christ's birthday as a holiday so I don't see why we can't celebrate my birth like it's a holiday) I do, however, recognize that many people I know really don't like Valentine's day. So this goes out to all of you V-day haters, a big swig of haterade in honor of your least favorite holiday (Debbie Downer alert):

*Erectile dysfunction occurs in many men as they age, with sexual functioning decreasing sharply after age 50. So if it's not good now, it only gets worse from here.

*Much of the $13 billion in Chocolate that will be consumed this year comes from cocoa beans grown by child slaves.

*Diamonds (as anyone who has ever listend to Kanye's song Diamonds are Forever should know) help to fuel civil wars in Sierra Leone -- not to mention that diamond mining is harmful to the environment and due to their relative abundance, they are essentially valueless.

*Flowers are drenched in pesticides (some of which have been banned in the US) that are harmful to the people (largely women) who work with them -- even killing 200 workers in 2003.

*The HIV/AIDS infection rate is on the rise in the US, and is particularly high in Washington, D.C.

*Intimate partner violence affects 1 in 5 women: 22% of women are physically assaulted by a partner or date during their lifetime and nearly 5.3 million partner victimizations occur each year among U.S. women ages 18 and older. Worse, in the nineties, homicide was a leading cause of injury-related death for pregnant women. Kind of puts a whole new perspective on being single.

I think I'm going to go lay down for a bit because I just depressed the hell out of myself. Sorry to ruin your Valentine's day.


For a more humorous slant on this festive day and it's suckery, try Bennett Madison's book, which I have not read but assume has less references to unfair labor practices and violence than this blog. Also, you can find more anti-V-day cards like the one shown above here.

auf Wiedersehen

If only the contest was for making faces not making clothes! But alas, it isn't and thus, tonight Andrae Gonzalo heard the most dreaded phrase in all of fashion (and not just because of Heidi's accent). So to honor the passing of my emotionally unstable, face-making Project Runway counterpart, here is a photo/music montage (feel free to weep silently as you read):

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain


All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all


But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you


And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before


I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before


I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more


In my life I love you more

Choose your god-damned battles

When I first heard about putting the Christ back into Christmas I was excited that Christians were going to finally advocate some Christian things... maybe they wanted us to volunteer this advent season. Or maybe they wanted us to give all the money we would have spent on presents to a charity. Clearly I should have known better to think anything like this would be advocated if Jerry Falwell is involved. They aren't saying that we should take the average $767 that Americans planned on spending this Christmas on furbies and i-pods and donate it. No, they are saying that we should buy Christmas cards and Christmas trees from stores that wish us a Merry Christmas. That is how we can put Christ back into Christmas. If I hear one more thing about the "putting Christ back into Christmas" controversy I'm going to steal every baby jesus from every nativity scene I can find and burn them all in a large formation that says "Happy Holidays!"

Not that it takes much to make me want to start a baby jesus bonfire, but seriously these people are driving me nuts. Who cares that big-box chain stores say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas? Who cares that George Bush's christmas cards don't say "Merry Christmas?" Who cares that tree in front of the Capitol is a Christmas tree and not a "Holiday" tree? Idiots. That's who cares about these things. I can almost guarantee that this whole thing started when some bored conservative wanted to raise a ruckus and couldn't find any gay people to persecute nor any planned parenthoods to picket.

But maybe I am being too harsh. Perhaps it is true that every time an underpaid cashier at Walmart says "Happy Holidays" the bright and shining meaning of Christmas dims just a little. Yeah right. And maybe Christ was actually born on the 25th of December. Saying "Happy Holidays" doesn't demean Christmas at all because Christmas isn't really all that Christian. Christmas is capitalism first and Jesus second. It's a pagan holiday that was co-opted by the early Christian church, and then later co-opted by some department store genius. And you know what, I enjoy it more that way. Many Christmas traditions in and of themselves don't require any sort of faith in any religion to enjoy them. It's mainly about being with your family, eating fatty food, liking the smell of pine, getting presents, and spending money.


I could put Christ into Christmas, but then I'd be lame and preachy. Instead I think I may start my own campaign. It's called "Put the Happy in 'Happy Holidays'" Step one is to burn an effigy of Jerry Falwell. I'm unclear of what comes next, but I'm open to suggestion.

Rest in Peace...

... the TalKim marriage... Your engagment burned bright and fast like a white star that burned itself out. Who am I kidding, clearly the best comparison for this engagement is a coke high. The real tragedy here is that Talan will never have that threesome, though I'm always looking on the bright side. Hopefully the next LB alum on K.Stew's list is J-Wahl.



... Arrested Development... what a sudden and senseless death for the funniest show on television. Truly, you deserved better. My only consolation is that Gob and Lindsay are in heaven doing their chicken impressions with God. And also that George Michael finally made out with Maeby.

... Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey... I guess Jessica finally realized she could probably get someone better, and that Nick realized that he is just some Cinci-trash. But still, even deaths that are long over due should be mourned. I'm hoping this death is quickly followed by the death of Joe Simpson's creepy hold over his daughters. Maybe Jessica will get involved with a scientologist a la Katie Holmes and break ties with her friends and family?

... Laguna Beach... This death hurts me the most, since its more of a persistent vegetative state than actual death. Nonetheless it's the kind of vegetative state that merits starving to death. LB's third season stars are busted. More busted than even Kristin's friend Alex. This show is totally Dunzo. And The Hills is Dunzo On Arrival. Without an evil foil like Kristin, LC is just a fashion poseur making googly eyes at any guy who tells her she's pretty. So listen up LC either get addicted to Heroin or get off tv, because you're not interesting.

... the Terrapins' hopes for the post season... Death has thankfully come to put this turtle out of its long-suffering and tortuous misery. Sometimes, the Lord is merciful, maybe he will also be generous and give us a good quarterback for next year? (Watch out, because as sad as it makes me the Redskins are in the ICU and probably about to join the terps)

Happy Unthanksgiving

So during this four day weekend I thought a lot about what I was thankful for and it made me think of all the things that I am really not thankful for -- the things that I just wish would disappear because they suck. So, just to be contrary (but largely because the things that I am thankful for are lame and unfunny) here are twoo things that I am most definitely not thankful for this year:

The Black Eyed Peas
Is there anything this band does right? Clearly they made a deal with the devil. I was pretty sure of that before their new cd came out but I guess they had some sort of point to prove hence these new depths of crappiness. Don't believe me? Turn on the radio and catch their new hit "My hump" which poses the question that so many have pondered but apparently only Will I.Am. dares to speak out loud: "What you gon do with all that breast, all that breast up in that shirt?" The answer, according to the fair Fergie, is "move my lady lumps, in the back and in the front." Good one, Ferg, because if there's one image I want to conjure when it comes to one's bosom, it's lumps.


The dearth of 4 day weekend holidays
Thanksgiving comes only once a year, same with the four day weekend. Why are there no other four day weekends? Maybe it's because the government's afraid that if people got 4 days straight off from work they'd realize how sweet not working is, thus touching off a massive economic downturn. As is, there's little to fear because 4 days with your family can make working seem like a vacation. I still think we should have more 4 days weekends. Would it have killed the unions to push for a 4 day weekend in Labor day? And haven't there been enough wars and veterans that we could celebrate Memorial day for 4 days? Another important question: why did the pilgrims wait till November to get their act in gear to invite the Native Americans over for dinner? Couldn't they have done it during a more temperate month, like, say May? I mean, let's be real all they wanted to do was give them some smallpox laden blankets -- they could've done that earlier in the year.

I miss college because you have to commute to work

The commute takes at least an hour each way and I have to drive then take the metro. And while the length of the commute is annoying, it's the commute itself that I hate. Commuting is like being condemned to die by having your body cut into a million pieces, one slice at a time. The only thing worse than sitting in a car surrounded by other miserable people on their way to their miserable jobs listening to idiot talk show hosts on the radio is being on the metro. From the moment I set foot on the train platform to the minute I leave the station I become the most hateful person on Earth. I hate EVERYONE. I hate the fat bitch who's taking up two seats because she's so obese. I hate the old guy with dandruff because he's ugly and he's getting dandruff on me. I hate the young mother because she loves her baby eventhough that kid is so loud. I hate the girl next to me because she's awake. I hate the person who sat in my seat before me because they left a huge grease mark on the window. I hate anyone who wants to talk -- to anyone, but to me especially. And all of this is a shame, because as I'm sure you could attest, I've always been such a loving and accepting person free from condescension. So if I've seemed like a harpie c**t recently, it's because the metro's turning me into an awful person. And until I can afford to live within walking distance of work OR figure out a way to sleep in my office, this is how it's going to be.

The end of the world as we know it

Finally Pat Robertson is getting something right. Given the events of the past 12 months I think it's pretty clear that society as we know it is ending. Thanks to the ever-helpful fear-mongering media, I have a number of theories as to how the world will end and, like any good crazy person, wanted to let you know that the rapture is imminent so that you could prepare. Here are some of the things that are keeping me awake at night because I am so super sure they will result in the demise of the human race, or at the very least kill me:

1) Global warming (chances of apocalypse -- 50:1): As the brilliant movie "The Day After Tomorrow" pointed out, global warming is very bad. If worsening hurricanes, hotter summers and colder winters don't get you, escaped wolves from the Bronx zoo will. Apocalypse by global warming has long been a fear of mine since I was little and saw a Captain Planet set in a dystopian future in which all people have to wear oxygen tanks outside because the earth's vegetation had all become extinct due to climate changes. Ain't that a b.

2) Earth Quakes (c.o.a. -- 1,000:1): Ahh yes, the silent but deadly seismic killer. So you may think if you don't live in Tokyo/the himalayas/California you're okay. Think again! There are scary faults all over the world just waiting to kill millions. Example: one of the worst earthquakes in American history occurred in Missouri. So visit St. Louis while you can. Eh, on second thought it's probably not worth it.

2.5) Tsunami (c.o.a -- 1,000,000:1): So this isn't completely it's own topic as tsunamis are generally caused by a seismic event. However, if you watched the news at all after the Southeast Asia tsunami you've probably heard that the east coast will be wiped out should the canary islands fall into the sea. This gains extra points because last year's tsunami was rumoured to have killed fitness celebrity John Basedow. Thank God the rumors were false, because if Basedow were dead what would be the point of living?

3) Pandemic (c.o.a -- 75:1): Every once in while the world is swept up by an illness so deadly that millions die in its wake, and boy are we due. The best part is we have so many diseases to choose from: small pox, the avian flu, HIV, anthrax, super-strong bacterial infections that are impervious to anti-biotics. If you're smart, once a pandemic starts you'll just get really really fat, thus making it likely you'll just die of the other possible pandemic threatening americans: obesity. I'd rather die because of bacon cheese burger than because of the flu, it just sounds more tough.

4) Population decline (c.o.a. -- 5 billion:1): Blah blah blah developed countries are suffering from aging populations with birth rates below a replacement rate. Who cares? Not me. I only mention this because I think the real threat is not that most people aren't having enough babies, but that the people who are having children should not be allowed to contribute to the human gene pool. Take for instance, Tomkat, jr. or the fact that Kevin Federline has 3 children.

5) Asteroid strike (c.o.a. -- 10 billion:1): So in 2029, we will only suffer a close call with an asteroid the size of the rose bowl. Phew! Though this does confirm my belief that the end of the world could potentially be related to a Ben Affleck movie.

But if you ask me, which I guess you kind of are if you've taken the time to read to this point, the real end of the world (or at least American society) is going to be a civil war between conservatives and liberals. Too bad for the liberals, because we are not good with guns.