Jesus Christ

Today we visited the school library for the first time since February 10th. The school librarian is a very interesting lady with many strong religious convictions which she tries to discuss with students as often as possible. Apparently, a teacher can discuss religion as long as a child brings it up. I gathered this during the Christmas season when the librarian excitedly insisted that I chart the phrase "Jesus' birthday" on the class brainstorm list for Christmas symbols once a student had voiced it. Today she was very, very eager to talk about all the holidays that took place in March (EASTER) and spent a good bit of time trying to get my kids to say either the words "Easter" or "Jesus" so she could legitimately discuss the ascension of Christ. I think that if I had been out of the room she would've stooped to a question like, "rhymes with beezus" to get them to say it. Unfortunately for the librarian, my students (and perhaps most first grade students in public school) don't understand that Easter means anything beyond pastel wrapped candy.

A Romy & Michelle moment on Easter

Despite having to be at church at 9 in the morning after going to bed at 4, my trip to church turned out surprisingly well. Unfortunately for my soul, none of these good vibes came from a spiritual breakthrough or my rebirth through Christ. Quite the opposite in fact. I enjoyed church today because once again I got to see a girl that went to my high school. This girl was a year older than me and stole my boyfriend junior year. Every Easter since graduation I have gotten to see her, and I win a mini-victory because the girl got fat. She's not obese, but the girl has definitely chubbed out. As a special Easter suprise for me, this girl dressed herself like a 16 year old who has only the tiniest inkling of what is fashionable and what is flattering: she wore a linen ruffle skirt.

On the one hand, I know I shouldn't take so much glee in the fact that this girl gained 15 lbs, but on the other hand I think it's only natural to be excited at the slight misfortune of those who have wronged you in the past. If this wasn't a natural reaction then why would people go to high school reunions? And you know, I don't really care about what happened 6 years ago but she won't look me in the eye or even acknowledge my presence - today she brushed past me during the breakfast without so much as an excuse me. I think it's entirely possible that she's not the same person she was when she was 17, and even then she wasn't mean. In fact, she was nice when she wasn't too busy being a self-centered idiot. I've changed since I was 17 -- but too bad for her because I haven't gotten nicer. That's why I say, ha ha ha ha you got fat and I didn't.

P.S. Has anyone else ever heard the gospel on Easter Sunday and then had the sudden epiphany that the story of the passion is the most popular zombie story ever told?

Is there anything God doesn't do?

NEWS FLASH: Pat Roberston is an a**hole. Okay so maybe that's not a news flash per se. Hell it's pretty obvious. But I'm not writing this because I'm disgusted that as a man (a man who is inextricably bound to the Peace Process in Israel) fights for his life, some moron would suggest it's just God's wrath.

No, I'm writing this so we may all pray together that God give us all a break. Seriously, God, you're a rage-a-holic. I know it must be hard when your closest friend is Pat Roberston, but come on we all have douche bag friends (Drama Queenaghan anyone?) You can't let that get to you. You've been running yourself ragged these past 12 months. The Asian tsunami. Hurricane Katrina. The Pakistan earthquake. Killing Rehnquist, and now Sharon's stroke. And on top of all this, I hear you want to smite Pennsylvania? Isn't living in Pennsylvania punishment enough?

God, you need to chill the f**k out. Take some deep breaths, maybe a vacation. We all know you're better than this. Besides God, you know you have to rest up in January since you're the one responsible for who wins the Super Bowl.

Choose your god-damned battles

When I first heard about putting the Christ back into Christmas I was excited that Christians were going to finally advocate some Christian things... maybe they wanted us to volunteer this advent season. Or maybe they wanted us to give all the money we would have spent on presents to a charity. Clearly I should have known better to think anything like this would be advocated if Jerry Falwell is involved. They aren't saying that we should take the average $767 that Americans planned on spending this Christmas on furbies and i-pods and donate it. No, they are saying that we should buy Christmas cards and Christmas trees from stores that wish us a Merry Christmas. That is how we can put Christ back into Christmas. If I hear one more thing about the "putting Christ back into Christmas" controversy I'm going to steal every baby jesus from every nativity scene I can find and burn them all in a large formation that says "Happy Holidays!"

Not that it takes much to make me want to start a baby jesus bonfire, but seriously these people are driving me nuts. Who cares that big-box chain stores say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas? Who cares that George Bush's christmas cards don't say "Merry Christmas?" Who cares that tree in front of the Capitol is a Christmas tree and not a "Holiday" tree? Idiots. That's who cares about these things. I can almost guarantee that this whole thing started when some bored conservative wanted to raise a ruckus and couldn't find any gay people to persecute nor any planned parenthoods to picket.

But maybe I am being too harsh. Perhaps it is true that every time an underpaid cashier at Walmart says "Happy Holidays" the bright and shining meaning of Christmas dims just a little. Yeah right. And maybe Christ was actually born on the 25th of December. Saying "Happy Holidays" doesn't demean Christmas at all because Christmas isn't really all that Christian. Christmas is capitalism first and Jesus second. It's a pagan holiday that was co-opted by the early Christian church, and then later co-opted by some department store genius. And you know what, I enjoy it more that way. Many Christmas traditions in and of themselves don't require any sort of faith in any religion to enjoy them. It's mainly about being with your family, eating fatty food, liking the smell of pine, getting presents, and spending money.


I could put Christ into Christmas, but then I'd be lame and preachy. Instead I think I may start my own campaign. It's called "Put the Happy in 'Happy Holidays'" Step one is to burn an effigy of Jerry Falwell. I'm unclear of what comes next, but I'm open to suggestion.