I have heard enough (which is to say, I have heard at all) about governors who like prostitutes, governors who cheat, and secretly gay governors who openly like threesomes. I'm not letting the next sex scandal catch me off guard. Rather, I'm going to pull a Nostradamus and predict some in advance. That way, I won't be as dismayed when I have to hear about them. Onto the sex scandal headlines of the future:
Governor Barbour Admits Furry Affair
Utah State Senator Davis Says He Likes to Play Baby
Congressman Poe Caught in Giantess Roleplay
And, perhaps most shocking of all:
Secretary Schafer Announces Preference for Monogamous Sex With Wife
*** Sidenote: Ironically enough, I had originally intended to fill the above name slot with Secretary Kempthorne . However, upon a very cursory google search I discovered that he may not enjoy monogamous sex with his wife. I guess it really is shocking for a politician to bang only his wife.
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Immigrants schmimmigrants
In what must surely be an attempt to prove the disgusting simile "opinions are like a******s - everyone has one" bloggers everywhere been ranting and raving about immigration. Seeing this already glutted blogopshere, I felt compelled to join the I-have-an-opinion-on-immigration-bandwagon. The only catch is that though I'm pro-immigrant I'm not necessarily in favor of any of the solutions I've heard proposed thus far. I will say, though, that I think that deportation is not an option. What I do think is that the argumentation being thrown around by both sides is stupid. So here, briefly, I'm going to take a vacation from ranting about television to offer my two cents about the immigration debate:
Cent #1
Anyone who says anything close to any of the following phrases, or for that matter wears a tee shirt bearing any of the following phrases, needs to be deported. I don't know where -- maybe to space? The offending phrases are as follows:
* "This is America - now speak ENGLISH!"
* "They come here and they refuse to learn English and they just want us to accomdate them"
* "They expect their kids to be taught in Spanish instead of them learning English"
For reasons too annoying to go into here, I hate these opinions. In fact, they make me glad that there are people in America who won't speak English. At least those who don't speak English can't offend me with their ignorance because I can't understand what they're saying. And just a little fun fact to throw out there for those of you have not already bought yourself a one-way ticket to space: of the 31 million Spanish speaking Americans currently in the US, most speak English with over half describing themselves as being able to speak English "very well." Even assuming that those who answered this question were over-estimating their abilities, one could also assume that they are making an effort to speak the language.
I also think that building a wall between the US and Mexico would be useless. I mean, wouldn't it just draw more undocumented workers to the border to build the damn thing? Besides, if we're going to build something you can see from space it should look more like this.
Cent #2
Whenever someone says that undocumented workers do jobs that Americans "refuse" to do, I cringe. Is there any proof for that statement? Any statistics from any surveys or polls? Any BLS figures that show that Americans won't work certain jobs? Or is this a Rush Limbaugh 'truth' wherein the fact that the speaker thinks the statement is true is enough to make it so?
The word "refuse" is pretty strong, and it requires some sort of proof to back up that word choice. To my mind, it implies that the majority of Americans would absolutely, positively turn down a job as a child care worker, landscaper, construction worker, etc. were they offered such a job -- which may or may not be true depending on the circumstances. Further, this statement tends to be said by someone who, based on their own personal experiences, is speaking for themselves since they would refuse to be a dishwasher. And most of these people tend to be on TV -- so surprise! They tend to get better job options. I think it is really employers' "refusal" to do something that draws immigrants to our country. After all, employers are the ones who "refuse" to offer jobs that provide benefits, security, or a living wage and then also "refuse" to make sure they're employing only documented workers. Maybe we should focus on offering more jobs with these "perks" (aka what the French consider unalienable, I'm-going-to-burn-a-car-if-you-take-it-away rights) to only documented workers.
Finally, I think that protestors are wise to reconsider their flag-waving practices. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not offended that someone would wave a flag from another country, I just think it shows a fundamental misunderstanding of persuasion tactics. Just think a minute protestors -- there are people out there who get mad that you speak Spanish, and pretty much that you exist at all. Do you think they're going to appreciate your cultural pride? If anything they're going be more convinced you need to leave.
And thus ends my foray into a semi-political realm. Back to TV.
Cent #1
Anyone who says anything close to any of the following phrases, or for that matter wears a tee shirt bearing any of the following phrases, needs to be deported. I don't know where -- maybe to space? The offending phrases are as follows:
* "This is America - now speak ENGLISH!"
* "They come here and they refuse to learn English and they just want us to accomdate them"
* "They expect their kids to be taught in Spanish instead of them learning English"
For reasons too annoying to go into here, I hate these opinions. In fact, they make me glad that there are people in America who won't speak English. At least those who don't speak English can't offend me with their ignorance because I can't understand what they're saying. And just a little fun fact to throw out there for those of you have not already bought yourself a one-way ticket to space: of the 31 million Spanish speaking Americans currently in the US, most speak English with over half describing themselves as being able to speak English "very well." Even assuming that those who answered this question were over-estimating their abilities, one could also assume that they are making an effort to speak the language.
I also think that building a wall between the US and Mexico would be useless. I mean, wouldn't it just draw more undocumented workers to the border to build the damn thing? Besides, if we're going to build something you can see from space it should look more like this.
Cent #2
Whenever someone says that undocumented workers do jobs that Americans "refuse" to do, I cringe. Is there any proof for that statement? Any statistics from any surveys or polls? Any BLS figures that show that Americans won't work certain jobs? Or is this a Rush Limbaugh 'truth' wherein the fact that the speaker thinks the statement is true is enough to make it so?
The word "refuse" is pretty strong, and it requires some sort of proof to back up that word choice. To my mind, it implies that the majority of Americans would absolutely, positively turn down a job as a child care worker, landscaper, construction worker, etc. were they offered such a job -- which may or may not be true depending on the circumstances. Further, this statement tends to be said by someone who, based on their own personal experiences, is speaking for themselves since they would refuse to be a dishwasher. And most of these people tend to be on TV -- so surprise! They tend to get better job options. I think it is really employers' "refusal" to do something that draws immigrants to our country. After all, employers are the ones who "refuse" to offer jobs that provide benefits, security, or a living wage and then also "refuse" to make sure they're employing only documented workers. Maybe we should focus on offering more jobs with these "perks" (aka what the French consider unalienable, I'm-going-to-burn-a-car-if-you-take-it-away rights) to only documented workers.Finally, I think that protestors are wise to reconsider their flag-waving practices. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not offended that someone would wave a flag from another country, I just think it shows a fundamental misunderstanding of persuasion tactics. Just think a minute protestors -- there are people out there who get mad that you speak Spanish, and pretty much that you exist at all. Do you think they're going to appreciate your cultural pride? If anything they're going be more convinced you need to leave.
And thus ends my foray into a semi-political realm. Back to TV.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
A belated president's day experiment
As some of you may know, or have been able to deduce by now, I don't always say the appropriate thing. An example of this would be the now infamous “No one has ever told me I sing well…” incident. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just trust me it was bad, and maybe the next time I see you I’ll tell you, but I’m not ready to commit this story to print) Well it was a lifetime of incidents like that that led me to spend $10 on a pack of conversation starter cards. Maybe they could help me?... At the very least this pack of cards can provide me with a bloggable topic whenever I don't have time to rage against something I saw on TV.
So to begin this grand experiment, I pulled a card from this deck of 52 cards; I found this appropriate President's day gem:
"If you had one week to show George Washington the country today, what would want to show him?"
Day 1 I welcome George to the 21st century with a huge bright smile -- he instantly feels ill at ease as he only has crappy wooden teeth. Next, I make him take a bath since he smells bad. I try to get him to change into jeans but he prefers his tights, which I try to explain to him is a little less than manly but he doesn't buy it. He gets scared when I listen to the radio and watch TV, and accuses me of being a witch, which I thought was just a Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure myth, but now I know better.
Day 2 Feeling bad about the whole TV-witch debacle, I try to slow things down a bit for George. We chat over tea about his feelings on the other founding fathers (John Adams was impotent and Jefferson was a pompous douche bag -- his words not mine). I ask him about Martha, though I don't ask him what I really want to know: is she really as ugly as she looked in all her portraits?? I take this day to share with him all the best things that the future has to offer, like velour sweat suits, space foam beds, plastic surgery, Gore-Tex fabrics, hot showers, instant pudding, and non stick pans. His favorite inventions? beer in aluminum cans and tennis shoes.
Day 3 After showing Georgie (he says it's okay to call him that) an updated map of the country, I ask him what he wants to see. After the fifth time he refers to people who don't live in the original colonies as heathens, I figure it's best if we just stick to the East Coast. Besides, I couldn't afford airfare to Washington, which unsurprisingly was the state he wanted to see most. So I book us a flight to New York City in an attempt at getting him to marvel at all the tall buildings a la Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee. Georgie ends up getting tazed by the air marshall after he pitches a fit right before take off because "it is impossible for a metal bird to fly." I take this time to introduce Georgie to another 21st century gem: sedatives.
Day 4 Georgie and I wander the streets of NYC. By this time, he's already getting on my nerves, what with all his inappropriate gawking at everything (freed slaves?! women out of the home?! chinamen?!) and making me explain every little thing (so the inside is like a tootsie roll, but it's also a lolly pop??). He's kind of like a 6-foot-plus-wig-and-tight-wearing toddler because he doesn't know how anything works and just keeps asking about every damn thing. And all his dumb questions about "horseless carriages" and "switchable candles" are asked in a weird, affected, 18th-century way. The hotel staff gets pretty pissed too, since he overflowed the hotel room toilet four times by overflushing. As we're in the elevator to go to the top of the Empire State building he asks me about the magic lifting box we're in, I lose it and tell him how much I wish that Jefferson had come to visit instead of him. We don't speak the rest of the day.
Day 5 After a quick trip to a book store to pick up a kid's book on how things work, me and Georgie are getting along a lot better. We return to DC on this day, and we take the train back since that seems slightly less scary than the plane. We bond over how ugly the view of New Jersey is from the train and George tells me all about crossing the Delaware river -- which I have to feign interest in since it seems to mean so much to him. The entire time he's talking I can't stop staring at his wooden dentures.
Day 6 I take George to Mount Vernon to show him where I smushed raisins into his carpet as a child, and to freak out all the old ladies who give tours there. They go crazy and contact his family members and an impromptu party is held for George. With everyone ooh-ing and ahh-ing over him I can't stand George. He's all "Did I ever tell you about the time I won the war and started this country? Blah Blah Blah" and since no one else there has had to listen this crap for the last 5 days they're into it. The historian at Mount Vernon asks to host George for the night and I gladly agree since Georgie is beginning to smell again -- he hasn't bathed since Day 1.
Day 7 After a day with the historian, George is completely unbearable. He's so self-important and won't stop talking about himself. Whenever I try to change the topic of conversation he won't let me because my "face isn't on the dollar bill." Just because of that I don’t take him to see the Washington monument, which I tell him was a monument for Ben Franklin instead. After lunch I send him on his way -- a little earlier than expected but I couldn't handle one more comment about how it's not normal for a woman to wear pants.
So to begin this grand experiment, I pulled a card from this deck of 52 cards; I found this appropriate President's day gem:
"If you had one week to show George Washington the country today, what would want to show him?"
Day 1 I welcome George to the 21st century with a huge bright smile -- he instantly feels ill at ease as he only has crappy wooden teeth. Next, I make him take a bath since he smells bad. I try to get him to change into jeans but he prefers his tights, which I try to explain to him is a little less than manly but he doesn't buy it. He gets scared when I listen to the radio and watch TV, and accuses me of being a witch, which I thought was just a Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure myth, but now I know better.
Day 2 Feeling bad about the whole TV-witch debacle, I try to slow things down a bit for George. We chat over tea about his feelings on the other founding fathers (John Adams was impotent and Jefferson was a pompous douche bag -- his words not mine). I ask him about Martha, though I don't ask him what I really want to know: is she really as ugly as she looked in all her portraits?? I take this day to share with him all the best things that the future has to offer, like velour sweat suits, space foam beds, plastic surgery, Gore-Tex fabrics, hot showers, instant pudding, and non stick pans. His favorite inventions? beer in aluminum cans and tennis shoes.
Day 3 After showing Georgie (he says it's okay to call him that) an updated map of the country, I ask him what he wants to see. After the fifth time he refers to people who don't live in the original colonies as heathens, I figure it's best if we just stick to the East Coast. Besides, I couldn't afford airfare to Washington, which unsurprisingly was the state he wanted to see most. So I book us a flight to New York City in an attempt at getting him to marvel at all the tall buildings a la Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee. Georgie ends up getting tazed by the air marshall after he pitches a fit right before take off because "it is impossible for a metal bird to fly." I take this time to introduce Georgie to another 21st century gem: sedatives.
Day 4 Georgie and I wander the streets of NYC. By this time, he's already getting on my nerves, what with all his inappropriate gawking at everything (freed slaves?! women out of the home?! chinamen?!) and making me explain every little thing (so the inside is like a tootsie roll, but it's also a lolly pop??). He's kind of like a 6-foot-plus-wig-and-tight-wearing toddler because he doesn't know how anything works and just keeps asking about every damn thing. And all his dumb questions about "horseless carriages" and "switchable candles" are asked in a weird, affected, 18th-century way. The hotel staff gets pretty pissed too, since he overflowed the hotel room toilet four times by overflushing. As we're in the elevator to go to the top of the Empire State building he asks me about the magic lifting box we're in, I lose it and tell him how much I wish that Jefferson had come to visit instead of him. We don't speak the rest of the day.
Day 5 After a quick trip to a book store to pick up a kid's book on how things work, me and Georgie are getting along a lot better. We return to DC on this day, and we take the train back since that seems slightly less scary than the plane. We bond over how ugly the view of New Jersey is from the train and George tells me all about crossing the Delaware river -- which I have to feign interest in since it seems to mean so much to him. The entire time he's talking I can't stop staring at his wooden dentures.
Day 6 I take George to Mount Vernon to show him where I smushed raisins into his carpet as a child, and to freak out all the old ladies who give tours there. They go crazy and contact his family members and an impromptu party is held for George. With everyone ooh-ing and ahh-ing over him I can't stand George. He's all "Did I ever tell you about the time I won the war and started this country? Blah Blah Blah" and since no one else there has had to listen this crap for the last 5 days they're into it. The historian at Mount Vernon asks to host George for the night and I gladly agree since Georgie is beginning to smell again -- he hasn't bathed since Day 1.
Day 7 After a day with the historian, George is completely unbearable. He's so self-important and won't stop talking about himself. Whenever I try to change the topic of conversation he won't let me because my "face isn't on the dollar bill." Just because of that I don’t take him to see the Washington monument, which I tell him was a monument for Ben Franklin instead. After lunch I send him on his way -- a little earlier than expected but I couldn't handle one more comment about how it's not normal for a woman to wear pants.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Is there anything God doesn't do?
NEWS FLASH: Pat Roberston is an a**hole. Okay so maybe that's not a news flash per se. Hell it's pretty obvious. But I'm not writing this because I'm disgusted that as a man (a man who is inextricably bound to the Peace Process in Israel) fights for his life, some moron would suggest it's just God's wrath.
No, I'm writing this so we may all pray together that God give us all a break. Seriously, God, you're a rage-a-holic. I know it must be hard when your closest friend is Pat Roberston, but come on we all have douche bag friends (Drama Queenaghan anyone?) You can't let that get to you. You've been running yourself ragged these past 12 months. The Asian tsunami. Hurricane Katrina. The Pakistan earthquake. Killing Rehnquist, and now Sharon's stroke. And on top of all this, I hear you want to smite Pennsylvania? Isn't living in Pennsylvania punishment enough?
God, you need to chill the f**k out. Take some deep breaths, maybe a vacation. We all know you're better than this. Besides God, you know you have to rest up in January since you're the one responsible for who wins the Super Bowl.
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