Babies aren't miracles. Finding the $60 you lost in your wallet, however....

So yada yada yada there's the whole miracle of life, which is in fact pretty impressive and miraculous. The awe and wonder of this miracle of life can get me through 3-5 minutes of sitting near a quiet baby on the metro. But when I sit next to a squealing baby for any amount of time -- let alone the four hours I had to endure on my bus ride home from NYC -- I am not impressed by the biological processes that brought this child into existence. And the whole miracle of birth thing doesn't make me okay with spit-ups, dirty diapers, or breastfeeding either. And I am similarly unimpressed when I'm mowed down by a stroller. In fact I'm downright pissed when it's a double wide stroller, and actually scared when it's four-child stroller like I saw this past weekend at the Bronx zoo. (Seriously, if you have at least 4 children who are too young to walk on their own, you need to look into tubal ligation, NOT a huge stroller. A four kid stroller is not going to solve your fecundity problem.) Parents of the world, if you have a baby, then strap that thing to your back or your stomach. It's easier to get around and you even get to be closer to your little bundle of joy, without having to inconvenience the rest of the world with your unwieldy strollers.

Speaking of inconveniences, I am ticked when I have to make room at a zoo, aquarium, or museum so some baby can get a good view of a baby panda/shark/first lady's inauguration gown. Why should I have to move? Babies can't read -- they don't understand what's going on. They don't even understand language! They don't need to see animals or exhibits to be enriched -- I do! My life is pathetic and I need these outings to help me get through the week. Babies would be just as impressed by a blanket as they would by a tiger, so mom and dad back off because I was here first (and by that I do mean that I'm older than your kid) and I don't feel like making room for your goddamned baby. Your baby ain't a miracle, it's a nuisance -- or, as in the case of the picture shown above, it's completely disgusting.

Babies are not fun to be around

One of the most annoying things about babies is that it's not socially acceptable to dislike them. Apparently that is “wrong.” Worse yet, females especially are supposed to be able to interact lovingly with babies. Yet, I have almost zero idea of how to do this. They're terrifying! Sure you could do something really dumb like smile or hide behind a blanket, and they'll probably like it. But then they might make an ungodly noise -- like a squeal! Nothing cuts me deeper than the joyful squeal of a baby; it's like nails on a chalkboard. Worse still, if you do something the baby doesn't like then it starts to cry. Then, not only have you failed to entertain the easiest audience in the world, but the baby is making a loud annoying noise thus alerting the world to how bad you suck with children. Oh the shame.

Given how even making faces at a baby is stressful, you better believe I won't hold one. I'm pretty certain I'd end up doing it wrong. I could probably figure it out if I thought about it long enough, but the results would probably still fall somewhere between Britney Spears and Michael Jackson on the bad-baby-holder scale. Luckily, I have successfully avoided holding a baby since I was eleven, as I know that holding a baby would be incredibly uncomfortable and unnatural for me. It's the same way a cat feels when its crazy owner puts clothes on it: humiliated, frightened, and uncomfortable.




But my uncanny ability to avoid having a hot little diaper-dumper in my arms doesn't free me from the obligatory ooohing and ahhing whenever someone presents one to me at a coworker's baby shower or a family reunion. I have very little to say about babies that would be appropriate. Shocking, I know. And I'm very stressed by the entire interaction of heaping adoration on infants because everyone else in the immediate area seems to compliment the baby with ease, thus making my babyfear all the more apparent. And you know the baby's parents want to hear how special their baby is despite the fact that it seems pretty much like every other baby you've ever seen. Some things that usually pop into my mind when a baby and its mother come within in five feet of me: "Your baby boy is very tenacious -- I can tell by the way he insists on eating his own foot." or "Wow, she doesn't look like a wrinkly old dude. Maybe that means she'll be pretty some day. Till then keep velcroing bows to her head so people know it's a she." But in the end I have to say something that no doubt makes me sound like a babbling idiot: "Oh I love the duckies on his onesie." Is that even a complete sentence? Jesus, babies are stressful.

On team Angelina and the ugliness of babies

Having been away from my computer this weekend I am just now finding out that the Jolie-Pitt Namibian love child has finally been born. Mazel Tov to you and yours Jolie-Pitts! I think it's funny that the baby was born within seven days of the Breakup's movie premiere, but I will refrain from speculating that little Shiloh tried to plan her birth at a time that would spite her daddy's ex-wife.

I will not, however, refrain from sharing my true feelings on babies. If you know me, then you know I am not a fan of babies. They are messy, loud, ugly, weird, smelly and generally bad company. And, inexplicably, the people that make these things like bringing them out and inflicting them on the rest of us. And if you think about it, it's a pretty weird phenomenon since there's really nothing else that can pop out of a vagina that would be socially acceptable to even talk about let alone photograph or parade about town. So because of the birth of the Jolie-Pitt uber-bebe, and because I spent my weekend on the Upper West Side where there is a disturbing preponderance of doublewide strollers, I am going to embark upon a series of short essays as to why I feel babies are bad news. For starters, here's my entry for today, which I would like to entitle "Human baby: God's ugliest joke?"

Babies are ugly. Let me repeat that: BABIES ARE UGLY. Up until about 4 months they're actually scary looking. Then they go through a phase where they look funny --so funny I guess it could be considered cute. Kind of like how pug dogs are so ugly they're cute. But I think it still leans a little heavy on the ugly side. It's not until babies are at least three that they start resembling anything I would call a person. Meanwhile, all sorts of baby animals are downright adorable. Sure other baby animals are pretty gross when they're first born, just like human babies, but this period of time is incredibly short compared to the months that can pass before a newborn human is ready to be looked at. Generally, within a month animal babies become undeniably adorable. For scientific evidence that god made human babies ugly in comparison to the offspring of other animals, look at the pictures below and witness one of the many reasons I'd rather have a pet than a baby. Additionally, I'd like to point out I got all the pictures you'll see below from cuteoverload, with the glaring exception of the human baby picture. Apparently the internet's foremost authority on cuteness also thinks that human babies just don't pass muster when it comes to adorability.













Humans clearly got the ugly end of the baby shaft.

The sad part is, Tom thinks her name is Irus

I felt on edge all afternoon, the adrenaline electrified the hairs on my neck so that they stood straight on end. My mood plummeted and I descended into a despair so deep I felt as if I could never smile again. I feared that I was going crazy, then I saw this headline on yahoo: Cruise, Holmes Have Baby Girl Named Suri and realized it was only natural that I felt as if a part of my soul died -- TomKat's baby was born today.
Yes, it's true: Tom Cruise's alien baby is born. She is healthy and her name is Suri, and she will either be the savior (if you're the sort who likes Dawson's Creek and dyslexics) or ruination (if you're the sort who fears and mocks scientology) of humanity. It is of the utmost importance now that we all focus positive energy on Michelle Williams' baby, Matilda, so that she may grow strong to some day counter the evil of the Tomkitten.

God can't claim responsibility for this

Or can he? Since technically I don't think "Brang" (my shortened term for Brangelina) was ever officially confirmed, maybe Angie's baby is the result of immaculate conception? That's what I'm hoping because I honestly can't imagine what the baby would look like. Brad & Ang have too many distinct features to be blended in any complimentary way for Brangelina, jr. to be attractive. In any case, looks like at least one of my outlandish predictions has been disproved.

An actual love.angel.music baby to be born

So according to "reliable sources" (e.g. a blog about celebrities and the Washington Express) Gwen Stefani is preggers. Say wha?! Given her obsession with harajuku girls (which have yielded many a creepy video and crazy outfit in the past year) I bet you she's going to make her baby dress up like some sort of weirdo Japanese street kid. Lord help that child because you know it's going to get some sort of weird name that makes Apple Martin seem downright run of the mill.



I like Gwen Stefani but she has been getting weirder and weirder. Ever since that confusing pirate video that accompanied that torturous and contradictory ditty "If I were a rich girl," I've been concerned. Maybe I'm missing something but to me, pirates + Fiddler on the roof sample + Eve + Japanese girls = lsd trip. Then there's her song "Harajuku Girls" which sounds like something Paris Hilton's dumber twin could have written. For those of you unfamiliar with this song, here's a sample lyric "I'm fascinated by the Japanese fashion scene/ Just an American girl, in the Tokyo streets/ My boyfriend bought me a Hysteric Glamour shirt." Plus she makes those Harajuku hos follow her around. Why don't they ever get to speak? Why do they have to go everywhere with her? Why do they always have to fawn all over her and stand behind her? I think they are actually her slaves.

I think we as a society need to put our foot down on eccentric stars. Because one day they're cool and cutting-edge by wearing only one glove and taking Webster to the grammies, and then next thing you know they're naming their kids Prince and Prince II Blanket and molesting children. Or worse, they've become scientologists. Being creative and talented does not give you cart blanche to do whatever (ahem Roman Polanski). So cheers to you Gwen (and the completely irrelevant Gavin Rossdale) on your baby, but I've got my eye on you....