Things to do in DC if you're bored

The past few months I've been running around trying to do some cool (and cheap) things in and around DC before I have to relocate. Below is a selection of some of the highlights in this town.

Neighborhood Heritage Trails
Cultural tourism DC created a series of self-guided tours throughout various nabes in DC. I've been on 4 of these trails, and some are really sucky (NEVER go to SW DC if you can help it, it looks like a concrete truck threw up). However, some are really cool. The best one I've been on so far is the tour through the Capitol Hill area near the Marine barracks. You get to see where John Phillip Sousa was born! I guess that doesn't sound that exciting in print.

George Washington Crap
I don't know if you've ever noticed this or not, but the USA is pretty much obsessed with George Washington. I don't know enough about history to either agree or disagree with that sentiment, but I have been to a lot of the things around this area that celebrate ol' G-dubs. First and foremost, I used to give tours of the Capitol where they have the Apotheosis of Washington -- a painting depicting Washington's ascent to heaven. I think it's a creepy painting that makes George look like a lady. Just down the street is the Washington Monument. It's pretty tall, but it's not that great. It took a long time to get to the top, and when I finally got there I was surrounded by children and fat people. It was like my nightmare. If you want a view of DC from above, you should probably either just look out the window on flights to and from National, or go to the top of the .

The best GW place in this area is his home in Virginia, Mount Vernon. There have been a lot of changes since you last visited (elementary school?). Most notably, they have an interactive movie experience where you sit in a theatre and they shake your seat and then throw fake snow at you to simulate the crossing of the Delaware. It's kind of like being to Disney world, but with much shorter lines and slightly more attempts to shrug off slave ownership. Also, they have an old-timey distillery.

Gardens
There's a lot of stuff growing in DC, and most of it is pretty. Obviously there are the Cherry Blossoms around the Tidal Basin, as feted by the Cherry Blossom Festival. But there's also the National Arboretum, which has beautiful Azaleas. They also have an herb garden and a bunch of columns in the middle of a field -- can't go wrong there! There's also the conservatory at theBotanical Gardens. This place is awesome because you can visit in the middle of winter and they will still have beautiful orchids. You can also see that gross-ass flower that smells like a corpse and looks like the Audrey II's reproductive organs.

However, my absolute favorite gardens in DC can be found at the Franciscan Monastery in NE near Brookland. The gardens outside the monastery may lack a variety of foliage, however, they are definitely more quiet and serene than the other gardens. No kids or tourists (or anyone for that matter) there. As an added bonus, you can take a tour of the church at the monastery and view recreations of the Holy Land sites and the catacombs in Rome. Down in the catacombs you can see the bones of St. Innocence and mosaics of skeletons. It's definitely a unique experience. By "unique" I mean curious and at times downright eerie for someone who was not raised in a faith advocating the worship of Saints let alone their body parts.

DC Slogan Suggestions

So I'm a bit late with this news, but I figured it was worth talking about anyway: Washington D.C. is looking for a new slogan so as to rebrand itself and increase tourism. In order to rebrand the city, the DC government has hired an ad agency who in turn is inviting Washingtonians to "share their DC". As a 4th generation Washingtonian with a blog, I feel like it is my duty to suggest a few new slogans. Note that when I describe myself as a "Washingtonian" I do mean that I have only ever lived in the MD suburbs, but that's good enough. Far better, than say, living in NoVa where a bunch of slave-lovers took back the land they had originally given for the creation of the federal city. But this post is about Washington slogans (not why NoVa sucks) so let me proceed.

A slogan's supposed to encourage tourism and pride, and, if it's really good, make reference to a well known fact about the state (click here for a list of state slogans). For example, DC should aspire to get a slogan like Idaho's: "Great Potatoes. Tasty Destinations." That slogan makes me think for a second that it might be okay to at least drive through Idaho -- and I would've never considered that before.

DC's current slogans are abysmal. "Taxation without Representation" is a complaint, not a slogan. And, on top of that, it's unoriginal. DC might as well print "We're whiny and haven't come up with anything clever since 1776" on its license plates. "Celebrate and Discover" is just a meaningless phrase that makes DC sound as boring as Connecticut ("Full of Surprises") or Ohio ("So Much to Discover"). And having never been to either of those places I can safely say that their slogans trying to trick you into visiting haven't worked, so I don't see why a trick slogan for DC would work either. And finally, "The American Experience" doesn't even make sense. I'm not certain what the "American Experience" is, but I'm fairly certain that you couldn't fully experience America if you only visited DC. I mean, DC isn't even that fat -- so it can't be that American.



Stand on the right, walk on the left.
This slogan tells people the right way to ride an escalator, and also makes subtle reference to politics. I love this slogan, because we as a city need to provide more instructions to the Triple Fs (FBI-shirt wearers, fanny packers, and fat-asses) that the city is trying to entice. As a corollary, the WMATA slogan should be "So easy that a dead person could use it. If you can't use it, kill yourself."


Cheap & Clean
True statements, and important qualities when looking for a city to visit. As a bonus, this is also a pretty good slogan for a prostitute or young intern -- each being popular weekend activities for certain politicos.

As smart as it is pretty. This slogan gets at two of the the cities most striking characteristics: its highly intelligent citizenry (their love of Marion Barry notwithstanding), and it's beautiful architecture and foliage. It's close to what the slogan of most government officials should be (Smarter than they are pretty). I also like that it compares beauty and smarts, because I feel that DC is the cute brunette of cities. It's not flashy or fun like a Blond (New York), but it's pretty smart and can show you a relatively good time.

Where hope and optimism come to get jaded.
Have you ever seen the Simpson's episode where Lisa goes to Washington DC for a speech contest? That's what this slogan is all about. It may not be that catchy, but I bet there are more than a few Cap Hill staffers who can attest to this fact.

The city with a penis.
I think this picture speaks for itself.

Okay DC, I've given you some slogans. Now it's your turn to take these bits of genius, print them on tee-shirts, and then send me a check.