Warning: this post includes naked images of Verne Troyer

I was just perusing through yahoo news clips when I found the following story about Verne Troyer's sex tape. Apparently a judge has put a halt to plans to release the tape as Troyer and his lawyer argue that releasing the 50 minute (!) video, which was supposedly stolen from his house, would case "irreparable damage" to his reputation. I find the notion that a sex tape would do harm to Troyer's reputation quite laughable, as the following scene from the Surreal Life didn't seem to do him too much harm. For those of you who aren't big Surreal Life fans, this 5 minute scene shows a heavily intoxicated Troyer making sex noises and nakedly peeing in the corner of a room. If that won't hurt you, I can't imagine how a sex tape would.

Drugs R Bad

Today I strayed from my usual route to school and ended up having an intriguing conversation with a gentleman addled by drug addiction and tooth decay. Below is a short excerpt from our long (and almost unintelligible) conversation"

Toothless Crack(meth?)head: Are you Spanish?
Me: (flattered to be mistaken for anything other than white) No.
TCH: Oh. You look Spanish. You look like my dad.
Me: What?
TCH: You look like my dad. He's Spanish. You know Andre the Giant?
Me: Yeah.
TCH: You look like him. You look like him. (trails off into a long monologue about the wrestling exploits of Andre the Giant)
Me: Oh. Interesting.
TCH: You know Elizabeth Taylor?
Me: (Hopeful that TCH will compare me to an attractive woman as opposed to a wrestler) Yes I know of her.
TCH: She was married to Macho Man Sanchez. You look like him. And you know what? You look like her, too (points to 14 year old Latina waiting at the bus). And like my dad. And like my mom. And like Andre. And Macho Man.
Me: Thank you.
TCH: You got a dollar?

Tubbs is Delusional

A while ago, for reasons I can no longer recall, I was googling Phillip Michael Thomas (aka the dude who played Tubbs on Miami Vice). My search led me to IMDB and to one of the most ridiculous biographies I have ever read. It was so ridiculous that I felt it necessary to share it with you. Here are some excerpts from the biography, followed with my interpretation of the BS:

"... before landing the role in 1984 that made him a household name - and took him on a whirlwind tour of the globe and into the presence of heads of state (including President Ronald Reagan and Nelson Mandela), fellow celebrities, and countless adoring fans."

translation: He shook hands with a few presidents and got invited to a few parties.

"Despite world-wide stardom as an actor of both stage and screen, it is music that is PMT's biggest passion. One long-time friend recently referred to the musical side of PMT as "an undiscovered diamond.""

translation: His acting is subpar, and so he prefers to focus on music. Unfortunately, his music isn't that great, which is why the only positive review to be found is an uncredited quote from a friend.

"... PMT released two highly regarded albums: Livin' the Book of My Life (1985) and Somebody (1988), both on his own Starship Records label, with distribution by industry giant Atlantic Records. Although much loved by fans to this day, his albums didn't sell as well as expected (perhaps due to a wide range of musical styles that defied pigeonhole) and remain out of print, although they often fetch a tidy sum on eBay."

translation: These albums sucked, and only hold a kitsch appeal.

"PMT loves Florida and has chosen to make his home there instead of L.A. or New York as do most of his colleagues. Naturally, this keeps him out of the limelight, but it's a mistake to assume that just because his name isn't regularly splashed across the tabloids that he's not keeping himself busy."

translation: PMT is keeping himself busy reliving the glory days of a television show that has been off the air for nearly 20 years.

Hip hop is dead

Nas was so right.

exhibit A
The president's top advisor (literally the man) dances and raps. It is obviously the first time he has ever heard rap music in his life, though possibly the second or third time he has tried to dance.

This video reminds me of every eye-rolling authority figure who ever tried to use rap to get me to do something in elementary school -- like learn multiplication tables or wear safety belts. All of those raps always contained the words "hey there kids I'm mc [insert lame mc name here] and I'm here to say/that [insert positive health behavior/message about stranger safety here] is the only way." Alternate endings includes "best in the USA" or "will save the day."


exhibit B
The turbo tax rap ad contest. This is a contest that offers cash prizes to the best home-made rap video about turbo tax. That's right, the art form that has been used by some to describe political and social strife is now being used to hock tax software. You should definitely peruse the tax raps because they are pretty pathetic. One exception being my friend's entry (entry 282) which you should vote for! A few of the really bad ones...

entry 2 consists of a woman proving that both rap AND feminism are dead.
entry 19 two words come to mind: awwwwww yeah! These are also the only two words that apparently came to the rapper's mind as well.
entry 77 needs a babysitter.
entry 141 does an impression of rob schneider's xerox guy character while harrassing strangers .
entry 233 is just a baby sitting in a chair.
entry 305 is a little kid rapping. He is better than the Ying Yang Twins (not saying much).
entry 365 is a dog frolicking to a falsetto voice-over.

I would apply, but I don't know if I'm "beautiful" enough

Check out this posting I found today while looking for a room. I thought it seemed weird that this person was looking for a "beautiful" female roommate since generally attractiveness is a weird qualification to look for in a roommate. Unless of course you are this gross dude.

On the brightside, this man knows how to put verbs and nouns together so as to form comprehensible sentences. Already, he is head and shoulders above the neanderthal couple from Woodbridge! However, he sounds incredibly creepy AND lonely which is a very bad combination. And I find it interesting that he describes both himself and his neighborhood as "safe." Does that mean both he and Pentagon City are STD-free? I don't know why this guy posted an ad on craigslist when he so obviously should have just bought himself a mail-order bride from Russia or Asia. Another important question to ponder: why is it that every time I find a gross posting on craigslisting, it's for a place in Northern Virginia? Coincidence, or proof that NoVa is disgusting?

What can I say about your shoes that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan

Summer's worst contribution, even above and beyond heat and humidity, is that it turns many people into weirdos who think that constant sandal wearing is acceptable behavior. And not just sandals, but UGLY sandals. I get it, it's hot you want to wear less clothing: pants are banished in favor of skirts and shorts, sleeves disappear. But why do normal, attractive shoes have to become extinct till October? Granted, not all sandal-wearing is atrociously wrong -- some of it is acceptable, and even attractive. However, when someone goes wrong with sandals, boy do they really go wrong. Specifically, I am referring to two heinous offenders:

BIRKENSTOCKS
Typical wearer: Ben & Jerry's scoop shop employee-- that is when they can be convinced to put shoes on at all; girls without bras; green party members
Benefits: The shoe molds to your foot and the company will continue to re-tread your sandals for you, so you can walk from here to Poolesville. And for those of you who don't know Phil, yes I do know someone who walked to Poolesville in birkenstocks.
Appropriate outfit: Tie dye. Basically the sort of thing you'd wear to a protest demanding the legalization of marijuana or to a Phish concert.
Inappropriate outfit: Anything you would wear anywhere else.
Statement made: "I like the smell of patchouli, and the feel of hemp clothing against my skin."

I have seen many basic summer outfits ruined needlessly by the haphazard addition of birkenstocks. Wearing birkenstocks makes a statement, and that statement generally is contradicted when you wear your birks with a pair of khaki shorts and a polo. When you do something like that, you're just confusing the rest of us: Are you a prepster with no sense of fashion or a hippie with no soul? Make up your mind, and choose a less-conflicting pair of shoes. Also, regardless of how well you might match your sandals to your outfit, it is NEVER okay to wear bright pink socks with your patent leather sandals and then photograph said monstrosity:




TEVAS
Typical wearer: Small children who enjoy river walking; outdoorsy people who erroneously place comfort above style
Benefits: My roommate has a pair, and apparently they are machine washable. Quite frankly, I wouldn't be shocked to discover these things are dishwasher safe. They are just a mound of rubber with bungee cords attached.
Appropriate outfit: Androgynous hiking outfits. Comfort is clearly the more salient concern when you're tramping through the wildnerness, so your ugly shoes get a pass in this instance. However, tevas should stay on the hiking path. Children also may passably wear tevas, but I am being lenient on them as many lack the comprehension to understand just how ugly tevas really are.
Inappropriate outfit:Any outfit you would wear to wander down from the mountains and onto the streets of our cities.
Statement made: "I hereby abdicate all expectations that anyone will find me attractive. Ever."

Tevas do not look good. Period. They look especially bad, however, on people wearing jeans, or people in gyms (I have now seen three people working out in tevas. What the hell is up with that?)Tevas are supposedly extremely comfortable (I'm operating solely on hearsay as I've never allowed my foot to touch a Teva sandal). But no amount of comfort in the world could outweigh the ugliness of this shoe. Just look at the tanlines on this girl:

Is that what you want for your feet?? And for your viewing displeasure, here is ANOTHER picture of someone wearing bright pink socks with sandals. I swear to God that this person is completely different lost soul from the person in the last pink-sock picture:



Birkenstock and Teva wearers of the world I implore you: stop selling your feet short! Don't punish them with ugly shoes. Instead, take a second to consider how you look to others when you walk out of your house. Realize that attractive, comfortable walking shoes do exist, and then find them, buy them, and love them. Failing that, at least have the decency to put on a pair of flip flops.

I think Heidi could take Tyra in a fight

In Heidi Klum's dichotomous, black-and-white, in-or-out, pregnant-not-pregnant (though mostly pregnant) world there is no gray area. So in homage to that completely un-nuanced outlook on life, here are the things that are in and those that are out (according to me):

Out: The Daily Show
In: The Colbert Show
Truthiness is a lot better than fake interviews.

Out: Sudoku
In: Samurai SudokuMore Asian = more better.

Out:Making fun of Tom Cruise
In: Fearing Tom Cruise
Haven't heard from him in a while -- a fact for which I'm glad, but which also makes me afraid. What is he up to? You know he's planning something.

Out:Blogs as daily journal
In: Blogs as celebrity stalking toolI don't care how you currently feel or what music you like. I do, however, care about how famous people feel and what kind of music they like. So if you aren't famous, keep your feelings to yourself.

Out: Turin
In: Torino. One is shroud-y, the other sounds like a car made by Nissan, and, due mainly to their high resale value and quality Japanese design, Nissan cars will always beat Jesus.

Out:Brokeback Mountain
In: Capote

They both feature homosexual men and the midwest, but between the two Capote has no actors that starred in either Bubble Boy or 10 Things I Hate About You.

Out: Writing paragraphs
In: Making listsComplete sentences are laaaame

Out:Heterosexuals
In: Homosexuals
Forget your conspiracy theories about Jews and the Masons -- it's the homosexuals that run the country -- at least the fashion/tv/pop culture part of it -- and I think that's fabulous.

Out:Thinking that MTV's show "Real World Gauntlet" is what's wrong with America.
In: Knowing that MTV's show "Parental Control" is a sign of the apocalpyse.For those of you not in the know, Parental Control try and stay that way. Trust me. This is one of those shows that makes you wish that were watching MTV's other quality TV show "Next."

Out:Making fun of Dick Cheney because he's a jerk
In: Making fun of Dick Cheney because he shot someone in the face I have a feeling that making of fun of Dick Cheney for being a jerk will eventually lead to you being shot in the face, so try to avoid hunting or fishing with him.

Out:Quality
In: QuantityA smattering of slapped-together entries that are posted every few days compared to a thought-out weekly entry allows me to talk to Jerome without him telling to just write a blog.

Secrets to a long life

My great-grandmother just recently turned 90 years old this past weekend, which in case you didn't know is really super old. Considering her age, she's doing pretty well and I thought that I'd share some lessons on longevity that I've learned from her:

* Be ornery.
This is actually a direct quote from her to our waiter at lunch. It is also probably the most true thing she has ever said. Forget what people tell you about being positive and having a rosy disposition -- being hateful and spiteful angries up the blood and keeps you alive. Oh sure your life will be miserable, but it will also be long.

* Suffer, and do it loudly.
This primarily includes trying to out-do people in conversations when it comes to illness, bad luck, and general misfortune. Think of it as a contest, and whoever has the most upsetting story wins, and then turn every conversation into that contest. If you find yourself losing a contest, choose an old standby misery -- like your husband dying -- and then mention it and cry. Works everytime. Another good standby? Remind people what little time you have left: i.e. "Why do I need a ten year warranty? I won't be here that long!"

* Cook way too much food.
Any time one person comes over, you need to cook as if 10 people are coming over. Then you must force your guests to take all the left overs because you can't eat them by yourself. This has the benefit of reminding people how lonely you are (see above), and by letting people how much you do for them (see below). It also fattens up your grandchildren, while keeping you thin which probably has some sort of benefit though it's not obvious.

* Crochet.
I guess this has been covered pretty well by different sources who say that keeping an alert mind contributes to longevity. However, I would argue it's the actual act of crochet-ing itself. Maybe it's something about the needles -- maybe some sort of life-preserving mineral leaches into your skin from the metal? Or maybe it's just that if you're sitting for hours on end so you can crochet your reducing the amount of time you could be up and about and thus the amount of time you could spend falling. Either way I bet if you took the time to count the hundreds of afghans and potholders my grandmother has made you would find a direct correlation from potholder production to longevity.

* Equate money with love.
This is my favorite by far because if you are lucky enough to have a relative who thinks this then you get lots of presents. This basically includes constantly mentioning how much money you want to leave to each of your descendants in your will, talking about how much a present cost you, and noting how many presents you've given to people through out their lives. It's also helpful to keep a running tally in your mind of everything you've done for someone so that you can very easily remind them when they are indebted to you in one way or another. Example: My great-grandmother almost constantly mentions the money she spent to pay for my grandmother (her daughter-in-law) and my father (her first-born grandchild) to come to the US from the Phillipines and how my grandfather (her son) never paid her back. Write a letter to your son because he never paid you back from the instance 50 years ago when you helped pay to bring your first grandchild and your daughter-in-law to the US.

* Shop a lot.
Buy yourself lots of clothes and wind up knick-knacks even while complaining that you don't have enough money to pay for your medication. If there's ever a buy 3 cards get one wind-up dancing hamster deal at Hallmark. Take it. In fact, take three. Who cares that you buy yourself four new outfits a month and never even wear half of the stuff? The point is you are living longer because of it -- most probably because the credit card companies are somehow artificially prolonging your life so you can repay your debt to them.

*Be racist without realizing it.
This works best when you call African-Americans "colored" or make stereotypical statements about minority groups. Go for the gold by doing both in one fell swoop as my grandmother did once when we went out for lunch: "Those colored people think they can do whatever they want -- that's their problem!" So true, that is "their" problem.

*Be suspicious.
Don't make friends with your neighbors at the assisted living home (they're gossips) and don't trust your family (they don't appreciate you). However, you should be best friends with the sales girls at Peebles.

Just for the record, I know that I'm making a lot of fun of my great grandmother here, so I want it to be clear that though I do think she can be incredibly annoying and will complain about her to whoever wants to listen, I will miss her when she's gone. Who else will tell me about oozing sores and what's wrong with the African-American race?