Et tu Facebook?

As any of my Facebook-abstaining friends will tell you, I am an advocate of the FB. I try my hardest to convince stalwarts to give in and join. I think it's magical that I can stalk just about anyone who is trusting enough to let me have consistent access to information about their whereabouts and pictures of their drinking problems. And I can do all of this without even having to talk to anyone.

That's why I HATE Facebook chat. I like to avoid the awkward "What have you been up to?" conversation. It always peters out and then each of you normally pretends that you have an interest in hanging out together (which you obviously don't). This is draining all the joy I derive from FB. I think more people need to be as happy as I am with a superficial cyberspace friendship. I'm content to know that a middle school acquaintance is attending an "I lost my phone" party because their friend dropped a phone in a toilet. And I can abide by an ex-coworker sending me application invites (even when they are lame and encourage me to take quizzes). Chat must be stopped. Is it too much to ask to be left alone to scroll through the wedding pictures of a high-school romantic rival without actually having to talk to her?

(P.S. I think there is a way to hide your availability on FBchat, and if anyone knows how to do that, let me know. Just don't do it by chatting me on Facebook.)

I need your help so I can impress Meredith with my wit

I am going to be auditioning to be on Who Wants to be a Millionaire this Wednesday. Note that this isn't as impressive as it sounds. You could -- and should -- apply to audition yourself! But I have to answer all these questions about myself, presumably to be used for 2 minutes of witty banter with Meredith Viera. The problem is: I don't have any clue what to say. I have lots of funny things I would like to say, but I don't think any of them are appropriate for national television. So, with many thanks to Emily for the idea, I have decided to turn to the internet for help. Below, I have written in bold the questions I need to answer. I have a few ideas for what I might say for each question, but I'm really depending on you (my friend, or complete stranger) to help me decide what I should say.

Thanks!




Quirks, rituals, superstitions…What makes you unique?
... I am always the person to mention a significant other to a person who JUST broke up.
... I wear my backpack so it looks like I'm pregnant so I can use it as a pillow.
... I fall a lot.
... I am very, very, very messy.


What is one thing you do that makes people laugh?
... People always laugh when I retell the story of how I was once accused of having no ass by a homeless man.
... My students always laugh when I press their reset button to make them less grumpy (I poke them in the back of the head and make a funny noise). It's not funny to adults, but it's pretty popular with small kids.
... I make fun of myself.


If you could vote yourself as best-_____ or most-likely-to_____, what would be your vote?
... Most likely to inappropriately fall asleep in a public place.
... Best person you'll ever meet. EVER.
... Most indignant.
... Most likely to use google to win an argument.
... Most likely to emasculate you.



What do you do for fun?
... I don't have fun.
... I run. It's not actually that much fun, but at least it rhymes.
... I stay up late watching trashy Vh1 shows and writing a blog.
... mock children.
... kill mice.
... abuse substances.
... call in sick when I'm not sick at all.
... bake/ fill my apartment with carbon monoxide.


You’d never believe it but I once…
... almost got arrested for a drug violation at a national park.
... I dressed up as your mom for Halloween.
... was the assistant producer to the Miss Georgia and Miss Teen Georgia pageants.
... I decided to become a teacher despite a healthy distaste for children.
... incited a street fight with a man named Zeke.
... won a Filipino beauty pageant.

Bipolar Coaster

Today was a classic example of the numerous emotional highs and lows I experience during any given weekday. I was somewhat inspired by those lame feelings poster I saw in the school social worker's office. Enjoy the peek into my day.

7:45 am: Anxious
Lack of planning from last night (combined with the coffee I had to drink to combat sleep deprivation) makes me nervous.


9:10 am: Cautious
During a reading assessment, a student completely shut down while I asked him about the book he had just read which I know will piss him off for the rest of the day. And he's a hitter. Crap.


9:35 am: Hopeful
Lesson plan on putting line breaks into poetry seems to have FINALLY convinced students to stop putting periods in their poems.


9:55 am: Frustrated
The hitter gets into a fight, leaving me no choice but to take him during gym time (my break).


10:15 am: Angry
Meeting with the assistant principal about her observation of my teaching last week is off to rocky start when she tells me I lack any management skills. This coming from a woman who never taught a grade lower than 6th. And from a woman who has been in my room 4 times other than the observation (each time to check bulletin boards).

11:00 am Smug
After faking my way through a plausible reading lesson, my assistant principal enters the room and engages in a conversation with a student during work time that leads the student to hysterically cry and run around the room as the principal follows her yelling (which by the way, I don't lead this child to do). Ha ha you old bag, shows you what you know about little kids.

11:02 am Enraged
As the girl sobs loudly at her desk the Assistant Principal informs me that her "private" conversation with the child has sufficiently calmed the child and that I should employ such tactics to maintain control of my class. Then she leaves. Yeah, thanks for that.

12:20 pm Depressed
During lunch time I cry for about 20 minutes.




2:50 pm Happy
Aboubacar grows 3 levels in reading after showing 0 growth from September to January. THANK GOD!



3:50 pm Ecstatic
My lowest students stay till 4:45 today. Whereas last week they were out of control, this week I have them on lock down and they actually seemed to understand my lesson on plural words.


5:20 pm Exhausted
My last student is finally picked up. God I am tired.




10:30 pm Overwhelmed
I can't believe I have to do this all over again tomorrow.

Just joined twitter

So as you probably know, I don't write posts that often. This is due to many reasons, none of which are going to resolve themselves any time soon. Since the entire reason I maintain this blog to any degree is to provide friends with an update on my life, I figured I'd just join twitter. You can find out what I'm doing (most likely, what I'm thinking or doing immediately after school) by looking at the twitter updates here on the blog or following my twitter page.
P.S. This entire move was inspired mostly by watching the following video "Twitter in Plain English" I'm sharing the video here so you may become similarly inspired, and then join Twitter so we can mundanely stalk each other.

Well This is Embarassing

At the beginning of August I was sitting in Washington Square Park eating lunch. A bunch of college-aged intern kids with a camera came up to me and my friends and asked to tell them what we thought smelled bad. They were creating some internet based advertisement for Febreeze. I told them I thought my boyfriend smelled. Then I forgot that it ever happened, until a week ago. Check it out -- I'm on the internet. The picture of me on this site is pretty terrible, and the ad (which you can find on facebook) does nothing to help my case (nor the case for my boyfriend...). On a positive note, the kids producing the ad seemed to think I'm in college, so at least I don't look as old as I feel. And in case you work for Febreeze, you should know that I did not sign a release form (check your records). I would be willing to overlook the whole thing in exchange for a few cases of Febreeze.

Long time no blog

So, it turns out that teaching is incredibly time consuming. I have like a million things to say, but no time to say them. Here are some quick points...

* Cavemen the sitcom isn't as bad as it sounds.
* The weather in NYC has been beautiful.
* I baked this past weekend to keep my apartment warm and almost poisoned myself with carbon monoxide.
* I had 16 students at the end of September. I had 18 students at the end of the Columbus day week, and now I have 19 students. Any other 6 year olds feel like randomly joining my class? No seriously, I want more students because once I hit 20 students my class will be the same size as every other first grade class. That means that the office will stop automatically sending me all the new kids off the street.
* My next door neighbor Kylie gave me clothes and a pair of shoes and I'm indebted to her for helping to upgrade my wardrobe from awful to passable.
* I spend all my money on my class and on food, and I'm worried I won't be able to pay my rent (again).
* Sometimes, I wish more than anything that I could speak Spanish.
* That song about sweaters from the Old Navy commercial is stuck in my head.

I have some writing pieces from my students that I want to share so stay tuned for that.

Bad Day

I have been teaching for exactly four weeks. It has been a very long four weeks. I had a very long day, and I have 3 more days ahead of me. I miss my old my life.
Here's a list of all the things I miss about my old life:

* having a two day weekend where I do no work on either day
* having a relatively easy job
* having a car (I've been lugging supplies to and from school every day on a bus and the subway)
* enjoying the end of the summer and the fall
* being able to watch Nats games on TV, and not just when they're playing the Mets
* being close to my family
* having any time to myself
* feeling like I can successfully do my job
* fractured prune donuts
* having time and energy to run
* my cell phone (I lost it somewhere)


September is a very hard time for new teachers. Particularly teachers with no training or affinity for children. Today is just a bad day, and it will get better. I just wish I could fast forward to that time where it will be better so I could stop struggling through every day until then. I'm only writing this so that when I get to that magical and easy time I can look back and laugh (or, more likely, be thankful that it's over).

All growed up

Have you heard that Charlotte Church is expecting a baby? Wasn't she just 12 years old and singing church hymns? My my my how time flies. Char ain't the only one growing up -- I am also growing older (though she is the only one of us who is pregnant). I recently just had a momentous birthday -- 24 on the 24th! I've officially entered my mid-twenties. So far reaching this milestone hasn't made much of a difference in my life other than that I think this means that I officially have "adult" acne. There has been little change for me because even before I turned 24 I had been acting like a woman well beyond my years. Hence the disappointment of being a lame old person is tempered by the fact that I was so lame to begin with. For example...



... I clip coupons. Neither like nor love are strong enough words to describe how I feel about coupon-clipping. Coupon-clipping is generally the happiest 20 minutes of my week. I like looking for good deals on products I usually buy. A dollar off Lean Cuisine? AWESOME. And I love trying out new products. Huggies diapers? I don't really need them but for $5 off, why not? I check the weekly circulars to see where the best deals are and I rarely buy anything that's full price. Grocery shopping is a long and relaxing trip for me as I compare prices and check coupon expiration dates. I saved over $600 on my groceries last year, and yes I'm extremely proud of that.

... I really like flossing. At age 8, almost nothing could convince me to brush my teeth let alone floss them. (On a completely unrelated note, I have a mouth full of cavity-riddled teeth that are probably one strong gust of wind away from falling out of my head.) At age 24 flossing is one of the only things I do daily and I really love it. Now I'm guessing that many of you do not floss as often as I do, and I'm basing this primarily upon the Mitch Hedburg joke that quitting smoking is as difficult as starting flossing. Is it fair to assume that you have the same personal hygiene as a hilarious comedian(RIP)?

... I'm saving for my retirement. Woohoo, I have saved $1400 towards my retirement. That should be more than enough money to live out my retirement dream: living in a house in Miami that I will share with three other older women. One will be funny and mannish, one short and Italian, and the other one will be dumb and Midwestern. I will be southern and slutty. I'm working on my accent now.

... I prefer practical gifts. When you're a kid, anything that isn't a toy is a lame-ass gift. I would spend months circling and marking every toy catalog that passed through the doors of my home so that I could make sure I got exactly what I wanted, which was usually something pink and plastic. Again, on a completely related note my parents' house is filled with kids' toys and other assorted crap. Now, I don't want things that are frivolous or fun -- I want things that I need or would have otherwise bought for myself. This year for my birthday I asked for such exciting presents as magazine subscriptions, snow boots, history text books, bed sheets and a wallet. Ooooh.... Ahhh...

I'm a huge loser

It's true, I'm a loser. And it's not because I live with my parents, or because I spend too much time on the Internet or because I don't go out -- though these certainly qualify me as a loser. No, I am a huge loser because I have a problem keeping track of all my personal belongings. I have lost both my wallet and my cell phone twice in the last 12 months-and this is just the latest in a lifelong trend of losiness. I have lost my passport while abroad. I lost my student ID so many times while in college that I almost had to change my actual ID number as I had nearly exhausted the total possible number of barcode combinations the school could create for SS number. (I also lost my dignity pretty frequently during college -- thanks Everclear!) I lost my contact lenses and tickets to Disney World on the same trip in fifth grade. The following story of woe and idiocy is the most recent incident of my losiness:

Recently I was in New York City, headed from the upper east side downtown near Penn Station to catch a bus home at 4:30 pm. Since I had been procrastinating (another loser tendency) and it was already 3:50 pm, so I decided to take a taxi. This taxi got caught in traffic (stress building) and was taking a while to get to my destination. At 4:20 we were still about 15 blocks away from my bus (almost drowning in my anxiety) when a cop pulled us over (my head explodes). Apparently the driver hadn't signaled while changing lanes -- and this is illegal, in New York?? Unfortunately I had no time to ponder this mystery because I had 10 minutes to get to my bus. I pay the driver and jump out of the cab. As I'm exiting, one of the police officers immediately hails me a new cab and I'm back on my way (anxiety subsides slightly, as does my anger at the NYPD). Not even a minute into my new taxi cab ride do I realize that I am no longer in possession of my wallet (I feel like I've been kicked in the lungs) which has the cash I need to have in order to board my bus and to pay the cab driver. It also has various other necessities like my ATM card and my license and my credit cards. The driver turns the taxi around but by the time we return to spot where I was picked up, my first taxi and the police are gone. And so is my wallet. This is the point in my story where I begin hyperventilating and focusing most of my energy on suppressing the urge to cry and/or vomit. My mom helps me get a busride home and it turns out that the NYPD has my wallet (I'm still calling them to figure out how to get it back).


Well luckily for me I have a lot of friends and family members on whom I can depend when I inevitably misplace something incredibly important. So thanks to everyone in the past week (and the past 24 years) who has helped me get my shit together when I couldn't manage to do it myself. I know it must be annoying to have to help me so much (and to have to listen to my dumb stories about always losing stuff) but I really, really appreciate you for it

hiatus over

So a while ago I decided to stop blogging. It seemed like a good idea given all the reasons I listed in this post as to why I should stop. But then it turned out I didn't use the extra time I had gained socializing with my friends. And then it turned out that some of my far-flung friends missed my blog. And it turned out that I was going to be blogging anyways for The Bathtub so I figured I should start this blog up again. Enjoy!

Let's not call it the end, let's just call it a "hiatus"

The countdown to July first has come and gone, so I can finally tell you the momentous news that will change not only my life, but yours as well. That news? I'm going to quit blogging. No doubt your entire world has been turned upside down with this news. But hopefully you will be able to survive, since I had warned many of you in advance and because it is just a dumb website.

I originally began this blog as a way to keep in touch with my far-flung friends that I couldn't talk to as often as I liked. But recently a few things occurred to me:
1) I don't really write anything about myself or what's going on in my life on this blog. Yet, I have no desire to begin writing things about myself because I think it'd be creepy for strangers to know anything about me. So how the hell is anyone supposed to know what I'm doing with my life beyond knowing what tv shows I watch? Granted tv is my life partner, but I do occasionally do things apart from it.
2) With the amount of time I spend writing blogs, I could probably have a thirty minute conversation with each of my friends each week. And unfortunately, since I rarely (if ever) write blogs at work, most of this time came straight out of time that could have been otherwise spent socializing, or, more often, sleeping. It might be particularly shocking for some of you to find out I spend a good amount of time working on this blog given the high number of typos found within. And yet, I do proof-read. Go figure.

So I know you must be wondering, "But how will I spend the thirty seconds once a week I used to spend reading your blog?"
Not to worry, I've got you covered with a handy list of suggestions found below:
1) Enter a beauty pageant. Don't waste time on your "talent," just buy a push up bra.
2) Move to Woodbridge. For free!
3) Become Filipino.
4) Google the phrase "Cheese it the Fuzz" and click on my blog so that it can once again be the first site that pops up when you're looking for that phrase. This is a pretty imperative task people.
5) Celebrate March year round by re-treading all your decorations for youth art month, athletic trainer month, social worker month, youth voter month and small press month.
6) Find out why scientists are cool.
7) Have fun with paintbrush graphics. The more pink spray-paint you use, the better the "graphic" will be. The graphic I made for this post was my personal favorite.
8) Start a jihad against Coldstone Creamery. Those bastards will pay for jipping me out of my free birthday ice cream.
9) Read another blog. The list at right is a good start.
10) Practice safe sex and say no to babies-- particularly ugly ones!
11) Make ridiculous predictions about the end of the world and the coming year.
12) Check back here periodically because once every few weeks I will probably cave and rant about something ridiculous. Seriously, it may be difficult to quit now that there is less than one week till Project Runway!! Heidi's already gotten knocked up again in honor of the show.

It's a metro miracle

A week and a half ago I lost my wallet on the metro. This was a particularly impressive feat for me since I literally spend only 15 minutes on the metro (from escalator to escalator) every day. More impressive, however, was how convoluted WMATA managed to make their lost and found claims service. The internet site WMATA created for you to "easily" report your lost item is slow and will freeze, often times just as you've finished the claim form and are waiting for your claim number. This claim number is what you're supposed to use whenever you talk to a WMATA service person about your item. Figuring that the 8 aborted internet claims, one voicemail and one email I had made would probably equal at least one real claim, I called the phone number WMATA lists (buried at the bottom of the contact us page, no less) for its lost and found service so I could talk to someone about my wallet. No luck, as the number only provides an automated message for you to find out the office's address. There's not even an option to talk to a person. For a laugh, the message also directs you to WMATA's main customer service for more information. Dialing this number reveals that the line plays the EXACT same friggin message you can hear when you dial the lost and found number. Desperate and grasping at straws, I talked to a live person on the customer service line -- and they were actually very helpful despite the fact they had no way of knowing if my claim had been made or processed or if anything had been found. I got the impression this would have been the case even if I had a claim number or not, but at least the woman was helpful.

And then lo, just as I was giving up hope and getting ready to brave the MVA to go get my third license in as many years, I got a postcard from WMATA alerting me that my wallet had been found. So I took my postcard, which bore no mention to the many lost claims I had made to WMATA, to Silver Spring. WMATA has craftily hidden their claims office away at 8405 Colesville Road, which is confusingly actually a block off the road and really on Second Ave. You'd think it'd be easiest to just have the claims office within the metro system at a centrally located place (like, I dunno... METROCENTER?). I guess it's because WMATA really wants the minimum $1.35 charge you incur by having to leave the metro system to get your lost items. "Conveniently" this office is only open between the hours of 7 and 3:30 (MWF) and 9 and 6 (T,TH). I'm only mentioning the hours here for you because WMATA makes no mention of this on their website, and I think you should know that if you ever lose something you might as well just go straight to the office and avoid even making a claim. Seriously, it's your best bet. And yet, despite all these obstacles, me and my wallet were finally reunited. And on top of that, all my money, credit cards and license were still in my wallet. So thanks WMATA for safely housing my wallet in such a way that no one, almost including me, could find it and use it. I'd especially like to thank the kind person who refrained from stealing my money and my identity.

The good, the bad

In a recent attempt to depress myself at how many people read this blog, I joined sitemeter. More important than seeing how many times Jerome and Rina read my blog, I also get to see what google searches are directing people to this site, and I just wanted to let you all know that my fight against Coldstone is gaining momentum. Apparently Google likes to direct people to my site when people are searching for information on Coldstone. So take that you evil corporation, I'm going to convince the world, one blog entry at a time that you are bad. So that makes me happy. Also, it makes me happy that this blog is the number one hit for the phrase "cheese it the fuzz."

On the otherhand, apparently if you google my full name you can find this blog, which is sad since I thought I had tried pretty well to make sure this could never be traced to me. It kind of freaks me out because I don't really want this site associated with me. I mean, what will happen if I should ever try to get a job with Denver's city hall and they read this post? Or if I started dating ex-Road Ruler and current-waste of-space Mark and he read this? I don't want to unlist from Google, because then I couldn't effectively continue my feud with Coldstone. So, I'm debating shutting down this url and posting on a new page where my name will hopefully remain anonymous so as to protect any of my future employment endeavors in Denver and in love with Road Rules Mark.

And to the person who keeps googling my name to find this blog (because I know that it is the same person...) just save the link already. The more you click on that link the more popular that hit becomes, so please, STOP.

Life and times

I saw this format on another blog, and thought it was apropos given how many people I know are coming up on birthdays that serve no real purpose other than to remind one how old they are getting. So with that in mind, here is a brief review of the last 20 years of my life. And I think it's absolutely terrifying that I have memories that are 20 years old.

20 Years Ago I...
was illiterate.
was a biter.
wanted to be a hairdresser, waitress, or doctor. Because you know, they require roughly the same amount of training and education.

10 Years Ago I...
was a dissaffected teenager.
was not writing a huge research paper that was due for class. (IDRP anyone?)
was really into Chris Princiotta.

5 Years Ago I...
was giving up on my hopes of going to an expensive private school and getting ready to go to the University of Maryland.
was spending a lot of time in the newspaper computer lab.
played Bingo with my grandma.

1 Year Ago I...
frequented Thursday nights at the Fe.
was living in a s***hole basement room in a College Park house that I shared with 6 cool people.
got into a fight outside a bar.

So Far This Year I...
have enjoyed living in a nicer room in a Bethesda house that I share with 4 people who are also cool.
took a day off to go see the cherry blossoms, and almost died when the pest control knocked on the door.
won a loaf of bread for coming in second place in my age group in a 5k race.

Last week I
didn't do much work.
went running with Rachel.
went to the Eastern Market.
got four cavities filled (8 more to go).

Today I...
am not doing much work.
canceled my appointment with that crazy dentist.
have to take out the recycling.

Tomorrow I....
won't do much work.
will go out for happy hour.
will begin my week-long adventure with vanity.

A Romy & Michelle moment on Easter

Despite having to be at church at 9 in the morning after going to bed at 4, my trip to church turned out surprisingly well. Unfortunately for my soul, none of these good vibes came from a spiritual breakthrough or my rebirth through Christ. Quite the opposite in fact. I enjoyed church today because once again I got to see a girl that went to my high school. This girl was a year older than me and stole my boyfriend junior year. Every Easter since graduation I have gotten to see her, and I win a mini-victory because the girl got fat. She's not obese, but the girl has definitely chubbed out. As a special Easter suprise for me, this girl dressed herself like a 16 year old who has only the tiniest inkling of what is fashionable and what is flattering: she wore a linen ruffle skirt.

On the one hand, I know I shouldn't take so much glee in the fact that this girl gained 15 lbs, but on the other hand I think it's only natural to be excited at the slight misfortune of those who have wronged you in the past. If this wasn't a natural reaction then why would people go to high school reunions? And you know, I don't really care about what happened 6 years ago but she won't look me in the eye or even acknowledge my presence - today she brushed past me during the breakfast without so much as an excuse me. I think it's entirely possible that she's not the same person she was when she was 17, and even then she wasn't mean. In fact, she was nice when she wasn't too busy being a self-centered idiot. I've changed since I was 17 -- but too bad for her because I haven't gotten nicer. That's why I say, ha ha ha ha you got fat and I didn't.

P.S. Has anyone else ever heard the gospel on Easter Sunday and then had the sudden epiphany that the story of the passion is the most popular zombie story ever told?

I am bereft

Television is my life partner. It has been one of my nearest and dearest friends for as long as I can remember. It has taught me how to interact with my peers (see My so-called life in 6th grade); how to dance (the Grind in middle school); how to craft (TLC day time television in the 10th grade) and helped me learn (see my addiction to the Discovery channel in high school, and my fascination with 3-2-1 Contact in 4th and 5th grade). Television has also taught me the difference between right and wrong (Homicide, Law & Order)and, more importantly, the difference between funny (Golden Girls; Cheers) and unfunny (most shows that come on NBC at 8:30 on Thursday). More recently it has taught me how not to act like a single moron (Sex and the city) and how to kill and dispose of mob snitches (The Sopranos). Of course, my faithful attention to the morning and evening broadcasts of News4 also keep me informed (Bobbie, I expect my check/offer to be in a News4 ad is in the mail?).

Television is the last thing I see at night, and the first thing I see in the morning. I turn it on immediately upon walking through the door when I get home from work, and when I'm the only one home it makes great company. I know that if you were a first-grader (or Mike or Leah) you'd probably be thinking to yourself, 'Well if you love television so much, why don't you marry it?!' And to that I say, I would in a heartbeat if I thought I could be the good wife that television deserves.

All week long, every time I've mentioned to people that I'm trying to refrain from watching television the general response has been an aghast "Why?!" Yeah, I don't know either. TV, I love you and can't wait till I get to see you again. I'll never, ever leave you like that again.

Wouldn't you like to know

Delving deep into my stack of conversation starters I came across the following card:
If you could know one secret or mystery, but could never tell anyone, what would you want to to know?

I am absolutely horrible at keeping secrets so by default I'd have to say I wouldn't want to know any secret I couldn't tell anyone. There are very few things I'd like to know that are a secret or mystery to me that I would be able to keep secret. What's the point of knowing a secret if you don't get to tell other people that you know it? If I knew something really cool that no one else knew, you better believe I'd be yelling it from the escalator tops and from my car window so that everyone would know how knowledgeable, and therefore cool, I was. I guess one mystery I'd really like to know is why the Bethesda metro station turns into a wind tunnel whenever I'm trying to get to the escalator. Seriously, the wind gusts are like 50 miles an hour in that tunnel -- you have to grab your bags, children and elderly relatives because they are very likely to be swept away. If I knew what caused those ferocious gusts I could definitely manage to keep it to myself and then just use my newfound knowledge to time my exit from the station so as to avoid the wind, my least favorite element and sworn enemy. By keeping the secret I could continue to gleefully observe other dumb shmucks get blow away by the wind because they didn't know any better.

But see that answer is lame. I fail to believe that the one mystery I want to know most is a simple question of physics and timing -- what a waste of an awesome opportunity. If the question didn't have that obnoxious caveat about having to keep the secret to yourself, there are definitely more compelling universal secrets and mysteries I'd like to know:


1) The secret sexual preferences of every famous person--be they actor, historical figure, or debutante-celebrity--of the past 500 years.
This knowledge would provide me with years of conversation starters. Example:
ME: "Who is your favorite historical figure?"
R. Hines or someone very much like her:"Well, my favorite civil war general is Jubal Early"
ME: "Oh really? He had a thing for Asian guys"
RHOSVMLH:"You're making that up, that doesn't even make sense."
Me: "I swear it's true. Trust me, I know this stuff. And surprisingly, Stonewall was 100% straight."
RHOSVMLH: "Wow you know a lot of cool and interesting secrets. I wish I knew the sexual preferences of famous people!"
Best of all I would get the inside track on whatever is going on with TomKat. I'm working on a new theory now that Tom's not Gay (or an Alien), but rather he has a disgusting zoophilia problem a la Troy McClure that is the source of this farce marriage to Brainwashed McCrooked-Smile. I bet he likes parrots and cockatoos, and Katie Holmes is baring his inseminated love child to prevent the world from learning of his disgusting birdlove.

2) What did dinosaurs look and sound like?.
If for some reason I could know this mystery, it would be extremely useful. Okay, so maybe not useful but it would be interesting. I think they probably sounded less like the carefully layered sounds of a truck and an elephant that the Jurassic Park sound engineer propaganda machine created and I damn sure don't believe that they were all brown and green. I think they were all different colors and talked like people do.
In fact, I think dinosaurs looked and acted more like the dinosaurs from the documentary series "The Dinosaurs" and less like the dinosaurs from the hack sci-fi show "Land of the Lost." Though I do believe that the show's creators overestimated a dinobaby's ability to wield a frying pan, but I am pretty certain that everything else about The Dinosaurs was 100% true. If you wish that network television would renew its commitment to teaching America the truth about dinosaurs, click here to sign this online petition.

Some other mysteries that I wouldn't mind knowing but don't feel like writing very much about include:
~ was Jesus a nice guy or a jerk?
~ what causes migraines?
~ why do I like Laguna Beach so much?
~ does the devil exist, and is s/he the reason that any of the following three people have become famous: Ryan Seacrest, Carson Daly, Billy Bush?
~ are fastfood restaurants more, less or just as diabolical as cigarette companies?
~ how many more graphics will I make that will include a spray-painted heart? I know the answer to this already -- infinite because when you use paintbrush to make graphics the possibilities are illimitable! (shout out to the Mac McGarry commercial about the local spelling bee that taught me that word)

Cheese it - The FUZZ!

This is me too afraid to post because I think my dad reads my blog. Plus also technically I am not paid to write a blog, and things are pretty hectic in the mine sweeping and free celling industry these days. So until my real job settles down and I can think of a dad-friendly blog topic, I won't be posting anything.

If you want to read something that's updated every day read the Enron trial blog, which lets you know all the juicy details of the court precedings in Texas. Examples of such gossip include that one of the lawyers was wearing cologne so strong that it made a juror gag and a five minute recess had to be called so that the lawyer could wipe off the offending odor. Also, Bob Loblaw's appellate decision of the day law blog is updated ridiculously frequently considering that Bob Loblaw is a fictional character from a TV show that has been canceled.

Twenty-three is the new twenty-one

"All my life, I've only had one dream -- to acheive my many goals" quoth Homer Simpson. To start my twenty third year off right I am setting a list of goals for myself that I want to accomplish by the time I turn 24.

1) Travel outside the country on two separate occasions, preferably to places I have not yet seen.

2) Do ten full pushups -- which is something I currently cannot do. You can laugh at me now for this but in a year's time I will punch you and it will hurt.

3) Get invited to a super-sexy-hot-girls only group on facebook, friendster, or myspace.

4) Cuddle this panda
5) Have my blog quoted in The Express's blog log.

6) Save $5,000 to be used in any of the following ways: moving elsewhere, physical enhancement via plastic surgery, drug binge, or even paying bail for the jailing that will inevitably follow panda cuddling.

7) Tackle the Ben & Jerry's Vermonster. I'm going to need help with this, so feel free to volunteer.
8) Win a war of wits.

9) Get on local TV through one (or all) of the following ways: a) a promo for an ethnic celebration for an ethnicity that I do not claim as my own (e.g. Hispanic heritage month) b) Model an infomercial gizmo for "Does it Really do that??" c) Tell my side of the story once I'm arrested for panda cuddling.

10) Run a marathon. Or at least train for one. Or think about running one? Maybe I can just run 3 miles and tell people I ran a marathon. In fact, I think the lie would be a better idea....

11) Start and win a fight. Bonus points can be earned if the fight is started with a glove slap.

12) Work a full day without surfing the web, writing a blog, or playing a game.

13) Get a puppy or kitten. It's also acceptable if I can just convince my parents to get a puppy or kitten.

14) Beat a 14 year old and 40 year old in a race. Trust me, it's a lot harder than it sounds.

15) Have a dinner party for my friends, and make all parts of the dinner myself. This goal can only be considered completed if none of the guests get sick.

16) Get on national TV through one (or all) of the following ways : a) Starting a fight with a Real World girl (see #11) b) Be Conan O'Brien's co-desk pilot c) Go on Flava of Love
17) Take a looooooong road trip.

18) Repeat the feat (that wasn't ever really acheived, but who's counting?) of shotgunning 6 beers in 10 minutes, then refuse to shotgun another beer until I turn 30.

19) Go another full year evading a citation for public urination.

20) Finally finish my high school scrap book. I figure the 5 year anniversary of my graduation is a fine time to rewrite the history of my adolescence.

21) Tell someone (who wouldn't expect it) how much I appreciate them, then tell someone else (who also wouldn't expect it) how much they've disappointed me. The hard part about this will be deciding who to tell they've disappointed me most. So far, it's a toss up between Chris McCray and Travis Garrison.

22) Find the picture of me as a child where I'm holding up my finger in the air because I'm in mid-sentence of what must have been a revolutionary thought.

23) Start dressing less DC and more NYC.


You'll note that I have not included any milestones in this list, and there is a compelling reason for this: the last few times I have reached certain milestones in my life the world pretty much ends for some American city. Don't believe me? Two weeks after I began college 9/11 occurred, the day before I began my first full-time job Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. So it is for this reason that I refuse to strive toward marriage and motherhood and whatever other sort of milestone that might end in the obliteration of a city or mass murder. Oh sure, you could argue that every other member of my birth cohort could say the same thing, after all many of them were also experiencing the same sort of milestones at those unfortunate times. But this day is about me dammit, so I will not entertain such a suggestion.

What keeps me up at night

So if you know me, you probably know that I stay up late generally. But did you ever wonder why? Well it's not because I want to, it's because sometimes I'm too afraid to go to sleep. What causes me to lose so much sleep? Many, many, many things. But here are the things that have been bothering me lately:

Shark attacks. Look at this thing, it's terrifying -- I was almost too afraid to put it up here. Admittedly I don't have much to fear unless I'm in the ocean or at the beach, but when I am ooh boy am I afraid. It should also be noted that this fear of sharks is so strong that I sometimes get creeped out swimming in pools.


Hispters. Specifically, that a hipster will ask me what kind of music I like and that my answer will be scorned. Look at this guy, he probably weighs less than me and hasn't showered in three days, yet I fear his judgement.


Men at bars. An old man, as in old enough to be my grandfather comes up and starts hitting on you. I'm always afraid that if I'm drunk I'll blurt out what I'm thinking, which is 'Look old man, there's not enough Levitra or alcohol in the world to make this happen.'
Now while old men are creepy, I generally have nothing to fear because unlike my friend Bobbie I don't tend to attract the old-spice set. But I do get really anxious if a younger guy approaches me, because it's awkward because it's not always readily apparent if he's just being friendly or what, and I don't want to drop the "I have a boyfriend line" too early because maybe I'm just being presumptuous and then he'd say "Damn bitch I wasn't even interested" but then I could be waiting too long to say I'm not interested then I've been leading him on so he'd think I'd 'owe' him something. Even writing this I'm hyperventilating.


Being trapped on the metro and having to use the bathroom. This is the sort of situation that scares me because you'd have to honestly weigh the pros and cons of wetting yourself. Relatedly, I'm also afraid that I'll get arrested for public urination while I'm out one night and have to put that on all my future job applications.

Werewolf attack while I'm in the shower. I don't even know why I'm including this here, because if anything I think this fear proves that I'm not irrational. Who wouldn't fear this?

Walking down stairs. I have, on more than one occasion, walked up stairs and then become so paralyzed with fear that I am incapable of walking back down them, instead scooting back down those same stairs on my butt. This fear used to be infrequent as I was so rarely put in a situation where I faced a long set of stairs, but ever since moving to Bethesda, aka home to the world's most terrifying escalator/2nd longest escalator in the western hemisphere, this is a fear I must face every work day. Every day staring down from the top of the escalator is like staring into the gaping maw of death.
Being kidnapped and murdered. Yeah that's a scary thought, but what really keeps me up at night is that I'll go missing, and that it will become national news and that news outlets will use a pictureI think is unflattering of me whenever they talk about my disappearance. Also I get nervous because what if some blowhard like Sean Hannity takes up my cause? I'd almost rather be forgotten.

Riding the elevator/metro with acquaintances. Note that I say acquaintances and not friends. Acquaintances, as in, I only kind of know them and don't really have much to say and therefore the conversation wanders to boring and uncomfortable places, such as talk about the weather or how long you've had to wait. I've actually gotten off a metro train and switched cars to end a conversation with acquaintances so as to avoid the awkward silence that follows once you've run the weather banter into the ground.

The only thing worse than an elevator ride is seeing someone in the bathroom. I almost have a panic attack when I run into coworkers in the bathroom, because once you see them then you have to say hi, and maybe even talk to them -- and what are you going to say? One time a coworker remarked that our bladders must have been on the same schedule. Jesus, what do you even say to that? I don't know, that's why I now go to a bathroom on a different floor from my office so as to avoid seeing my coworkers.

Pregnancy. Self explanatory!