NICK LACHEY + K. CAV = GRAPHICS INSANITY

Just like that poor little boy said to Shoeless Joe after the black sox scandal, I turn my weary eyes to K.Cav and say, 'Say it ain't so!' But if page six is to believed, then apparently Kristin and Nick are dating. While I'm a bit mystified (and clearly horrified, though I can't decide which of these E-listers dissapoints me more with this coupling) it does make a bit of sense. Flashback 7 years ago when Nick Lachey was a spry young 24 year old man leching on a 17 year old Jessica Simpson. She was blonde, dumb, large breasted, barely legal but clearly had more starpower than a man who made up only 1/4 of the band 98 degrees -- which is approximately a freezing cold 24 degrees. Dissolve back into the present. At 31, Nick is single and suing for alimony payments because no one wants to pay to hear him sing, and his Dancing-with-the-Stars-winning, uglier-little-brother Drew is more popular than him. So what does he do? Why he returns to his roots of being a pederast for hot, dumb, blonde boobies. At least he sticks with what he knows.















The bad news for him is that Kristin only really likes guys with multi-syllabic names as shouting their names showcases her beautiful accent. Also their names don't sound good together. What are you going to call them? Nicktin? Krisck? At best those are Scandanavian names and at worst those are presciption drugs that curb your cigarette cravings. But in the interest of possibly getting to see this nonsense unfold on MTV, I say cheers to you Nicktin, may you spawn many a tabloid cover, possibly some minor paparazzi fender benders, and a few beautiful duets before you are dunzo.

Rest in Peace...

... the TalKim marriage... Your engagment burned bright and fast like a white star that burned itself out. Who am I kidding, clearly the best comparison for this engagement is a coke high. The real tragedy here is that Talan will never have that threesome, though I'm always looking on the bright side. Hopefully the next LB alum on K.Stew's list is J-Wahl.



... Arrested Development... what a sudden and senseless death for the funniest show on television. Truly, you deserved better. My only consolation is that Gob and Lindsay are in heaven doing their chicken impressions with God. And also that George Michael finally made out with Maeby.

... Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey... I guess Jessica finally realized she could probably get someone better, and that Nick realized that he is just some Cinci-trash. But still, even deaths that are long over due should be mourned. I'm hoping this death is quickly followed by the death of Joe Simpson's creepy hold over his daughters. Maybe Jessica will get involved with a scientologist a la Katie Holmes and break ties with her friends and family?

... Laguna Beach... This death hurts me the most, since its more of a persistent vegetative state than actual death. Nonetheless it's the kind of vegetative state that merits starving to death. LB's third season stars are busted. More busted than even Kristin's friend Alex. This show is totally Dunzo. And The Hills is Dunzo On Arrival. Without an evil foil like Kristin, LC is just a fashion poseur making googly eyes at any guy who tells her she's pretty. So listen up LC either get addicted to Heroin or get off tv, because you're not interesting.

... the Terrapins' hopes for the post season... Death has thankfully come to put this turtle out of its long-suffering and tortuous misery. Sometimes, the Lord is merciful, maybe he will also be generous and give us a good quarterback for next year? (Watch out, because as sad as it makes me the Redskins are in the ICU and probably about to join the terps)

One of the worst ideas ever in the history of man

I'm sure there are far worse ideas (e.g. naming someone Talan), but Talan from Laguna Beach marrying Kimberly Stewart is certainly one of the stupidest. She is 26 and he is 19. The happy couple have been dating for 2 months at the most, but probably closer to 2 weeks. When I watched the Laguna Beach episode that featured Talan singing, I felt so embarrassed for him and thought surely, if there is a god he would not let this child do something more assinine than that. And then apparently this engagement happened. I'm guessing Talan is doing this to try and work his way into a threesome with Paris, and that Kimberly is doing it because she wanted to get engaged like her friends. If this wedding occurs, as God as my witness I will be there.