I'm not a rac-ist, I'm a scient-ist

Before I begin, a little background:
2000: A group of 7th graders go on a field trip to a science lab. They are asked to draw and describe a stereotypical scientist before their trip and after.
March 2006: I discover the drawings these children did on the internet while researching national youth art month so I could immortalize the month in poem form.
Today: I finally get around to writing a blog about said drawings.

These glorious pictures are the result of a 7th grade field trip to the Fermi National Accelerator Lab in Batavia, Illinois. Apparently the Fermilab is an ideal place for beleagured middle school science teachers to take their students to visit when they've run out of lesson plans, as the lab grounds are open to the public and have a pond (that you can fish in!!), some physicists, and some roaming buffalo. The Fermilab also boasts the Tevatron which is a giant particle accelerator, and not, as I had orginally assumed, an ugly-sandal-robot. I wanted to share these kids' drawings and insights into the wonderful world of science since many of my friends and roommates are scientists, and I myself am a social (aka fake) scientist.

There are maaaaany pictures and descriptions on this site, so I shall share just two. For starters, here is Amanda's perceptions of a scientist. Before meeting physicists, Amanda commented that, "A scientist is in the Guinness Book of World Records. I see a scientist winning on Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

Okay so I think it's safe to say that Amanda is pretty impressed by scientists. Sure, I wouldn't have pointed out that scientists are in the Guinness book, but then again I'm not that impressed by the Guinness illuminati. I don't find it complimentary to be counted as being in the same company as the fat twins who ride motorcycles, that Indian dude with the long finger nail, and the MD day strawberry short cake. I mean, if I were Amanda I would have been more impressed by the fact that scientists appear to be so jaundiced that they can make their desks levitate, but since Amanda is probably 12, I'll cut her some slack.

So after Amanda met with physicists who work with one of the world's largest particle accelerators I assumed she'd only be more impressed. Here is her picture and her comments:


"...anyone can be a scientist. I saw people walking around in sweatpants and jeans. Who knows? Maybe I can be a scientist."

I guess the lab chose Randy, the lab's token sweatpants-wearing fat guy, to talk to the kids. The dynamic image of scientists as Guinness breaking go-getters surrounded by floating desks is gone. Now anyone, provided they wear jeans or sweatpants, can be a scientist. I also like how Amanda writes, "Who knows? Maybe I can be a scientist." For some reason I get the impression that she meant to write, "Who knows? If I can't find a real job or I get really fat, I guess I could be a scientist."

This last one comes from Jesse. Unlike Amanda, Jesse isn't completely blown away by scientists before the field trip. Here's his ho-hum description, "To me a scientist is a man who works hard in his lab examining liquid and chemicals. He has a long white coat open. He is fixing his glasses so he can see better. He has pockets full of pens and pencils." Sure he thinks they're hard working and they have tons of pencils, but I don't get the impression from this picture that Jesse particularly likes scientists. He doesn't even think that they're cool enough to be on Millionaire. Flash forward and witness the transformation.


Apparently, Jesse met Christ the scientist on his field trip. At least, that's the best explanation I can give for this weird picture of a glowing, floating Jesus figure surrounded by beakers, and... is that a fire extinguisher in the corner?? I guess even Christ is susceptible to chemical explosions. Jesse's description of scientists is classic: "Some people think that scientists are just some genius nerds in white lab coats, but they are actually people who are trying to live up to their dreams and learn more. No two scientists are exactly alike. So, if you want to be a scientist, be like these wonderful people and live up to your dreams." Well Jesse what if my dream is to convince people to stop eating at Coldstone? Would following that dream make me a scientist? I would make the argument that it would. Because after all, no two scientists are exactly alike -- just like snowflakes.

To all you fellow scientists out there-- how well do these kids' perceptions sync with your own experiences?

Wouldn't you like to know

Delving deep into my stack of conversation starters I came across the following card:
If you could know one secret or mystery, but could never tell anyone, what would you want to to know?

I am absolutely horrible at keeping secrets so by default I'd have to say I wouldn't want to know any secret I couldn't tell anyone. There are very few things I'd like to know that are a secret or mystery to me that I would be able to keep secret. What's the point of knowing a secret if you don't get to tell other people that you know it? If I knew something really cool that no one else knew, you better believe I'd be yelling it from the escalator tops and from my car window so that everyone would know how knowledgeable, and therefore cool, I was. I guess one mystery I'd really like to know is why the Bethesda metro station turns into a wind tunnel whenever I'm trying to get to the escalator. Seriously, the wind gusts are like 50 miles an hour in that tunnel -- you have to grab your bags, children and elderly relatives because they are very likely to be swept away. If I knew what caused those ferocious gusts I could definitely manage to keep it to myself and then just use my newfound knowledge to time my exit from the station so as to avoid the wind, my least favorite element and sworn enemy. By keeping the secret I could continue to gleefully observe other dumb shmucks get blow away by the wind because they didn't know any better.

But see that answer is lame. I fail to believe that the one mystery I want to know most is a simple question of physics and timing -- what a waste of an awesome opportunity. If the question didn't have that obnoxious caveat about having to keep the secret to yourself, there are definitely more compelling universal secrets and mysteries I'd like to know:


1) The secret sexual preferences of every famous person--be they actor, historical figure, or debutante-celebrity--of the past 500 years.
This knowledge would provide me with years of conversation starters. Example:
ME: "Who is your favorite historical figure?"
R. Hines or someone very much like her:"Well, my favorite civil war general is Jubal Early"
ME: "Oh really? He had a thing for Asian guys"
RHOSVMLH:"You're making that up, that doesn't even make sense."
Me: "I swear it's true. Trust me, I know this stuff. And surprisingly, Stonewall was 100% straight."
RHOSVMLH: "Wow you know a lot of cool and interesting secrets. I wish I knew the sexual preferences of famous people!"
Best of all I would get the inside track on whatever is going on with TomKat. I'm working on a new theory now that Tom's not Gay (or an Alien), but rather he has a disgusting zoophilia problem a la Troy McClure that is the source of this farce marriage to Brainwashed McCrooked-Smile. I bet he likes parrots and cockatoos, and Katie Holmes is baring his inseminated love child to prevent the world from learning of his disgusting birdlove.

2) What did dinosaurs look and sound like?.
If for some reason I could know this mystery, it would be extremely useful. Okay, so maybe not useful but it would be interesting. I think they probably sounded less like the carefully layered sounds of a truck and an elephant that the Jurassic Park sound engineer propaganda machine created and I damn sure don't believe that they were all brown and green. I think they were all different colors and talked like people do.
In fact, I think dinosaurs looked and acted more like the dinosaurs from the documentary series "The Dinosaurs" and less like the dinosaurs from the hack sci-fi show "Land of the Lost." Though I do believe that the show's creators overestimated a dinobaby's ability to wield a frying pan, but I am pretty certain that everything else about The Dinosaurs was 100% true. If you wish that network television would renew its commitment to teaching America the truth about dinosaurs, click here to sign this online petition.

Some other mysteries that I wouldn't mind knowing but don't feel like writing very much about include:
~ was Jesus a nice guy or a jerk?
~ what causes migraines?
~ why do I like Laguna Beach so much?
~ does the devil exist, and is s/he the reason that any of the following three people have become famous: Ryan Seacrest, Carson Daly, Billy Bush?
~ are fastfood restaurants more, less or just as diabolical as cigarette companies?
~ how many more graphics will I make that will include a spray-painted heart? I know the answer to this already -- infinite because when you use paintbrush to make graphics the possibilities are illimitable! (shout out to the Mac McGarry commercial about the local spelling bee that taught me that word)

Useless science

Apparently the question as to why some people have oily ear wax and other people have drier ear wax is an an "anthropologist's riddle."
Dry ear wax? It's genetic! You should definitely take two minutes to read this article, as it's earth-shattering findings will no doubt profoundly affect your life. Also it's kind of funny how earnestly excited the researchers are about ear wax. But it was not my own exuberance for ear wax that compelled me to write. No, it was the following phrase:

"Dry earwax may have given people in northeast Asia some advantage during past periods of cold climate, not freezing as readily, the researchers suspect, but 'this is still pretty speculative.'"

I bet you that the phrase that preceded this claim of freeze-proof ear wax went something like this, 'Look, I got nothing. It's bad enough that this is what I have to f******g research and now you want to bother me about why this is? I have no f*****g clue why this is, if you really want I can just pull some stupid guess out of my a** and you can bite me.' For obvious reasons, this quote was edited out.

Nonetheless, someone please enlighten to me as to how this suggestion could even be true. Because think about it: If it's cold enough to freeze ear wax -- a semi-liquid substance that is in a cavity inside your head -- you have got much much bigger problems. If you aren't already dead, you probably have lost all your digits and your nose to frost bite and your tongue is probably frozen to the roof of your mouth. If being resistant to the cold was really so important that natural selection would select for individuals with advantages against the cold, then wouldn't Asian people be fat and squat, and covered in fur? Nope, apparently they have flaky ear wax. If this article has proven anything (besides the fact that I need to stop reading the headlines that yahoo posts near my email inbox) it is that not all genetic research is worthwhile.

* please, if you are a geneticist, I welcome you to enlighten me about the nuances of this research that have no doubt been lost on me. I know that I am generally pretty clueless when it comes to science, but the logic of that suggestion (the admission that it was speculative notwithstanding) just didn't seem to follow.