Outlandish predictions for 2006

I'm going to play Nostradamus for a second and try and predict the most popular headlines for the upcoming year. Here goes:

1. A sex tape of Laguna Beach "star" LC will surface, revealing that she is just as boring when being filmed naked with an infrared camera as she is normally.

2. Samuel Alito, on the verge of gaining a seat on the Supreme Court, will have to remove his nomination after it is discovered that he is in a secret gay relationship. With Antonin Scalia.

3. An awful and shocking earthquake swallows much of Cincinatti. Sharon Stone writes a song about the catastrophe to help the rebuilding effort, but no one buys the record because few people outside of the Cincinatti metropolitan area see a reason to rebuild.

4. Britney and K-Fed divorce. World struggles to act surprised.

5. President Bush, upon realizing that fessin' up about details on spying and the war helps his approval rating, keeps it too real. In a rare candid Q&A session during a town hall, Bush admits that Cheney masterminded the misuse of Iraqi intelligence and accidentally gets his VP impeached. Cheney vows to eat the young of all who voted against him.

6. 2005's boho/gypsy fashion trend is replaced in 2006 by the infinitely superior trend of dressing like a pirate. Paris Hilton trades in her latest mammalian pet for a parrot.

7. Christian Conservatives will begin their own colony in the western part of Kansas. It will be destroyed, almost immediately, by a tornado.

8. Angelina Jolie will deny being pregnant until she actually gives birth. Neither she nor Brad will acknowledge that the baby is the product of their love until the child is seven.

9. In a shocking and disturbing discovery, scientists reveal that pandas are not real animals, but rather sophisticated robot spies that allow the Chinese government to monitor the USA. It is later revealed that furbies use much of the same technology.

10. Jenna Bush crashes her car into a Subway sandwich shop while drunk. No one is harmed, and Jenna Bush remains the 2nd most shameful member of the Bush family. The most shameful? Billy Bush.

11. Harriet Miers, former Supreme Court Nominee, will star on the sixth season of the Surreal Life on VH1 where she'll shock (and appall) the world with her affinity for walking around the house nude.

12. The Washington Redskins will win the Superbowl.