Where did they find these people?

Recently I have found myself saying things like "I hate my job" and "Teaching is killing my soul" etc., etc. I want to assure you that this sentiment is in no way related to my feelings toward my students. By and large, my kids are good mini, semi-developed people. When they do bad things, many times they can't help it because they are just kids.

In fact, the reason that teaching has created a blackhole of despair within my heart is due to the many borderline retarded adults that I must deal with on a daily basis. These people have no excuse for their bad acts. Let me introduce you to the cast of characters a la a Parent-teacher conference note home (meaning a positive and a "delta" comment):

Guidance Counselor: Well-meaning older woman who has trouble stringing together a coherent sentence and following clear and written directions. She excels at discussing students' family life ("Did you know Child is getting evicted?") and learning difficulties ("He's supposed to be in the third grade but he's real low") in a loud whisper in front of the class. She struggles with correctly pronouncing the names of the students she "counsels;" guiding students; counseling students.

Assistant Principal: A superficial woman who smiles like she's running for mayor of Shiteatingrinsburg, especially when she chastises you. She excels at talking about herself, faking interest in you and your students, and inventing useless tasks that sap time and energy without benefiting students. She struggles with caring about anything in your classroom beyond what goes on a bulletin board. We have this fun game called "Who's the boss?" in which she makes me wonder who my boss is because she always goes through a third party (rather than come to me herself) to explain her expectations or when she thinks I've failed to meet them. There's another fun game we play in which she tells me I'm late to dismiss my students even though her watch is 5 minutes fast.

Payroll Secretary: A ball-buster who struggles only with being friendly and treating people she has known for less than 5 years with even the slightest shred of respect usually afforded to a fellow human being. She enjoys talking on her cell phone, rolling her eyes whenever I speak to her, and hanging up on me when I call the office.

School Nurse: I have no idea who this person is. I'm serious. I've only ever seen the school nurse once and I can barely remember if it's a she or a he. What I do know, however, is that the school nurse is a kind of mythical creature that is rarely in its office. When it is at school, it refuses to see students during its lunch break (which doesn't correspond to any of the kids' lunch breaks). Note that when I say "refuse" I mean that it will not even ask a child about his ailment before shutting the door in his face. Today it turned away an asthmatic student complaining of difficulty breathing because it was on its lunch break.