I need your help so I can impress Meredith with my wit

I am going to be auditioning to be on Who Wants to be a Millionaire this Wednesday. Note that this isn't as impressive as it sounds. You could -- and should -- apply to audition yourself! But I have to answer all these questions about myself, presumably to be used for 2 minutes of witty banter with Meredith Viera. The problem is: I don't have any clue what to say. I have lots of funny things I would like to say, but I don't think any of them are appropriate for national television. So, with many thanks to Emily for the idea, I have decided to turn to the internet for help. Below, I have written in bold the questions I need to answer. I have a few ideas for what I might say for each question, but I'm really depending on you (my friend, or complete stranger) to help me decide what I should say.

Thanks!




Quirks, rituals, superstitions…What makes you unique?
... I am always the person to mention a significant other to a person who JUST broke up.
... I wear my backpack so it looks like I'm pregnant so I can use it as a pillow.
... I fall a lot.
... I am very, very, very messy.


What is one thing you do that makes people laugh?
... People always laugh when I retell the story of how I was once accused of having no ass by a homeless man.
... My students always laugh when I press their reset button to make them less grumpy (I poke them in the back of the head and make a funny noise). It's not funny to adults, but it's pretty popular with small kids.
... I make fun of myself.


If you could vote yourself as best-_____ or most-likely-to_____, what would be your vote?
... Most likely to inappropriately fall asleep in a public place.
... Best person you'll ever meet. EVER.
... Most indignant.
... Most likely to use google to win an argument.
... Most likely to emasculate you.



What do you do for fun?
... I don't have fun.
... I run. It's not actually that much fun, but at least it rhymes.
... I stay up late watching trashy Vh1 shows and writing a blog.
... mock children.
... kill mice.
... abuse substances.
... call in sick when I'm not sick at all.
... bake/ fill my apartment with carbon monoxide.


You’d never believe it but I once…
... almost got arrested for a drug violation at a national park.
... I dressed up as your mom for Halloween.
... was the assistant producer to the Miss Georgia and Miss Teen Georgia pageants.
... I decided to become a teacher despite a healthy distaste for children.
... incited a street fight with a man named Zeke.
... won a Filipino beauty pageant.