The Olympics Runs My Lifes

For the last 8 days I've spent more time than usual in front of my TV with my computer open. Here, in brief, is my reaction to a solid 3 hours of Olympic programming:

Men's 3-Meter Springboard Diving Finals
8:50 pm Dmitry Sautin is a bad-ass (apparently). The announcers keep talking about how hardcore he is because he's old (34 y.o.) and Russian. Also, he has all these scars from prior injuries, one of which was gained from a knife fight. I don't care how many times announcer Ted Robinson says he looks like a Bond villain, I simply cannot agree that a balding man in a speedo looks at all intimidating.

9:01 Five o'clock shadow is not particularly attractive on someone's chest. Alex Despatie, I'm talking to you.

9:30 FINALLY. Diving is over. God I wish I had been dead-blogging this. DVR would've definitely helped because I can't take another McDonald's commercial.

Men's 200 Meter Dash Semi-Finals
9:44 Why is US Sprinter Wallace Spearmon's tongue blue? It looks like he ate a razzberry blue blow pop before coming to the blocks. If he wins, he should totally become a Blow Pop spokesperson.

Men's Parallel Bars Finals
10:01 Do male gymnasts wear cups?

10:10 I'm trying really hard to be happy for Uzbekistan's Anton Fokin, as he is now the first Uzbeki to ever medal in a gymnastics event. But all I keep thinking is that his name sounds a lot like the F word. If I was the editor of the Uzbeki-equivalent of the New York Post, tomorrow's head line would be: So Fokin Good!

Women's 400 Meter dash finals
10:38 Go go go Sanya Richards!
10:38:30
Well that was disappointing. Better luck next time Sanya.

Women's 100 Meter hurdles
10:48 Whose job is it to have a flag ready for medal winners to drape themselves with? That seems like it'd be a pretty stressful job to be able to quickly identify the flag of the winners.

10:55 As I'm watching Lolo Jones, favorite to win the Women's 100 meter hurdles, cry because she hit a hurdle and lost, I can't help but notice how similar athletic event cameramen are to paparazzi. I feel like I'm not supposed to see this.

Women's Balance Beam
10:52 Whoever does the Chinese women's team makeup has truly done these young women a disservice by lining their eyes in electric blue. It doesn't match their uniforms, and it certainly doesn't compliment their skintone.

10:55 The announcers are so passive aggressive about the scoring. How many ways can they insinuate that the judges are stupid? If I was drinking to (rather than blogging about) the Olympics, all I'd have to do to get drunk is take a shot each time Elfie Schlegel says something disparaging about the judging.

11:06 Shawn Johnson is a little elf of a girl. I mean seriously:11:27 Wow, the announcers are really overly excited about the Japanese gymnast's fall off the balance beam (thus clinching the gold for the little Iowan elf). These announcers are so in love with little Shawn.

11:31 I am so tired of the Olympics, but I can't turn it off. I feel obligated to keep watching through Bella Karolyi's interview just because his accent is hilarious. I don't know if I can sit through this medals ceremony if Al Trautwig continues to pour on the sentiment so heavily ("Now begins Shawn's dream sequence!").

11:34 The announcers fall silent as the anthem plays. I can only assume it's because they are weeping quietly.

11:44 I guess Bella Karolyi's sideburns never got the memo that 1979 is over.

Men's High Bar Finals
11:49 Just as I was about to go to sleep Dutch gymnast Epke Zonderland busts his ass off the high bar. Yikes!

Alright, I'm done. No amount of Bella Karolyi could lure me to stay up later.