A word (or one thousand...) on Britney's anti-paparazzi stance

If you were rich and famous (thereby making you more powerful than the large majority of the other 6 billion people that live on this planet) and you were going to be interviewed (giving you a platform to try to push a cause or interest near and dear to you heart). What would you talk about?
A) Annoyingly push a liberal agenda, like Ben Affleck (thus giving a bad name to liberals everywhere)
B) Scarily push a pro-gun conservative agenda, like Charlton Heston (thus giving a bad name to Moses-es everywhere)
C) Sexily encourage saving all of Africa, like Brangelina
D) Talk about something REALLY important. Something so crazily unreported that it affects only 100 people in the entire world, causing a nuisance for them on a semi-daily basis – including you as a famous person!


If you said D, chances are you’d be talking about the scourge that is paparazzi stalking. This also means that you and Miss Britney Spears Federline would be great friends. That’s because during Britney’s interview with Matt Lauer last week (p.s. Matt Lauer, did you ever have real journalistic credentials?), poor Britney cried about the paparazzi and all the scrutiny she has suffered since the birth of her baby.


Well boo-f*****g hoo, Britney. It enrages me to no end that someone famous would take the time to complain about the paparazzi. Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe that the paparazzi are obnoxious and use sometimes dangerous –even illegal—tactics to get their pictures. Have you ever had someone repeatedly take your picture at point blank range? It’s awfully annoying, but I still won’t side with whiny celebrities. Why? Because celebrities could change careers and move some place outside of LA and live a comfortable life somewhere else with all the money they have. Being a celebrity means that the paparazzi are going to be interested in you, and paparazzi pictures are a part of being a successful actress/actress/heiress/singer. Sure it may suck if you are a good actress and you enjoy your job, but part of your job is maintaining a certain level of fame. And guess what, you need the paparazzi and entertainment news shows in order to do that. So you could either suck it up and deal with that aspect of your job, or get out of the industry. But please, don’t talk about the paparazzi like they are a societal ill, because inappropriate paparazzi tactics don’t even crack the top one million concerns that face this country today. And how much sense does it make to complain about media attention during the course of a televised interview (aka, media attention)? Isn’t that a little counterproductive: to complain about people caring what you think, say and do while simultaneously encouraging people to better understand what you think, say and do via a fake-news interview?

And I don’t buy that the paparazzi are endangering the health and well-being of Brit’s kid. Quite frankly, it’s probably for the best that the paparazzi follow Britney and little Sean Preston around – at least that ensures that there will be a gainfully employed male-figure in their lives. Seriously Brit should not criticize the paparazzi. She should be on her knees every day thanking the good Lord that they even find her interesting enough to photograph. Because she hasn’t had a hit record in a while and she's fat and ugly (excuse me “pregnant”), so if the paparazzi weren’t photographing her no one would even know what the hell she was doing. All this “scrutiny” that is driving her crazy is the exact reason she continues to be relevant. No one cares anything about her anymore except for that she seems to be addicted to making poor choices. If she doesn’t like people passing judgment on her or taking pictures of her, then she should do something about it!

So Britney, the following suggestions are written especially for you. I've tried to use small declaritive sentences since you seem to be too simple to understand complex ideas (such as the importance of birth control):

1. Move the hell away from Los Angeles.
Fact: A lot of paparazzi live in Los Angeles. Fact: You, Britney, have no job prospects that would seem to require that you live in Los Angeles. Yet, for some reason this fact has not seemed to pass your mind. If a celebrity moves away from Los Angeles or New York and lives in a remote area, like Idaho (Demi Moore) or France (Johnny Depp) the paparazzi won’t follow you. At first they may tag after you, but eventually they’ll go away because it’s not worth it to them to spend money and time to follow just one person. Just enjoy the wealth you have in some sort of backwater neighborhood where you’d fit in. Go back home to Lousiana, or take your new navy manny and live on the Chesapeake Bay. I don’t care where you go, just go there and don’t come back. And if for some reason you want to rekindle the magic of your musical career, just build yourself a studio in your home.

2. Stop going to red-carpet events and parties, and making appearances on television and otherwise trying to keep your name in the press.
If you don't like being famous, then stop trying to be famous. When you go to events where paparazzi are waiting to photograph you, you’re only encouraging them to stalk you by creating publicity for yourself. Plus, you shouldn’t really be painting the town red when you’re pregnant and the mother of an infant. You should probably be doing things like reading the instructions on your car seat, and interviewing new nannies who can promise you they won’t drop your babies. Or, dare I say, interviewing divorce lawyers?

3. Stop having babies.
This suggestion has little to do with avoiding the paparazzi, and more to do with my concern for your pollution of the human gene pool with Federline-Spears babies.