What can I say about your shoes that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan

Summer's worst contribution, even above and beyond heat and humidity, is that it turns many people into weirdos who think that constant sandal wearing is acceptable behavior. And not just sandals, but UGLY sandals. I get it, it's hot you want to wear less clothing: pants are banished in favor of skirts and shorts, sleeves disappear. But why do normal, attractive shoes have to become extinct till October? Granted, not all sandal-wearing is atrociously wrong -- some of it is acceptable, and even attractive. However, when someone goes wrong with sandals, boy do they really go wrong. Specifically, I am referring to two heinous offenders:

BIRKENSTOCKS
Typical wearer: Ben & Jerry's scoop shop employee-- that is when they can be convinced to put shoes on at all; girls without bras; green party members
Benefits: The shoe molds to your foot and the company will continue to re-tread your sandals for you, so you can walk from here to Poolesville. And for those of you who don't know Phil, yes I do know someone who walked to Poolesville in birkenstocks.
Appropriate outfit: Tie dye. Basically the sort of thing you'd wear to a protest demanding the legalization of marijuana or to a Phish concert.
Inappropriate outfit: Anything you would wear anywhere else.
Statement made: "I like the smell of patchouli, and the feel of hemp clothing against my skin."

I have seen many basic summer outfits ruined needlessly by the haphazard addition of birkenstocks. Wearing birkenstocks makes a statement, and that statement generally is contradicted when you wear your birks with a pair of khaki shorts and a polo. When you do something like that, you're just confusing the rest of us: Are you a prepster with no sense of fashion or a hippie with no soul? Make up your mind, and choose a less-conflicting pair of shoes. Also, regardless of how well you might match your sandals to your outfit, it is NEVER okay to wear bright pink socks with your patent leather sandals and then photograph said monstrosity:




TEVAS
Typical wearer: Small children who enjoy river walking; outdoorsy people who erroneously place comfort above style
Benefits: My roommate has a pair, and apparently they are machine washable. Quite frankly, I wouldn't be shocked to discover these things are dishwasher safe. They are just a mound of rubber with bungee cords attached.
Appropriate outfit: Androgynous hiking outfits. Comfort is clearly the more salient concern when you're tramping through the wildnerness, so your ugly shoes get a pass in this instance. However, tevas should stay on the hiking path. Children also may passably wear tevas, but I am being lenient on them as many lack the comprehension to understand just how ugly tevas really are.
Inappropriate outfit:Any outfit you would wear to wander down from the mountains and onto the streets of our cities.
Statement made: "I hereby abdicate all expectations that anyone will find me attractive. Ever."

Tevas do not look good. Period. They look especially bad, however, on people wearing jeans, or people in gyms (I have now seen three people working out in tevas. What the hell is up with that?)Tevas are supposedly extremely comfortable (I'm operating solely on hearsay as I've never allowed my foot to touch a Teva sandal). But no amount of comfort in the world could outweigh the ugliness of this shoe. Just look at the tanlines on this girl:

Is that what you want for your feet?? And for your viewing displeasure, here is ANOTHER picture of someone wearing bright pink socks with sandals. I swear to God that this person is completely different lost soul from the person in the last pink-sock picture:



Birkenstock and Teva wearers of the world I implore you: stop selling your feet short! Don't punish them with ugly shoes. Instead, take a second to consider how you look to others when you walk out of your house. Realize that attractive, comfortable walking shoes do exist, and then find them, buy them, and love them. Failing that, at least have the decency to put on a pair of flip flops.