So yada yada yada there's the whole miracle of life, which is in fact pretty impressive and miraculous. The awe and wonder of this miracle of life can get me through 3-5 minutes of sitting near a quiet baby on the metro. But when I sit next to a squealing baby for any amount of time -- let alone the four hours I had to endure on my bus ride home from NYC -- I am not impressed by the biological processes that brought this child into existence. And the whole miracle of birth thing doesn't make me okay with spit-ups, dirty diapers, or breastfeeding either. And I am similarly unimpressed when I'm mowed down by a stroller. In fact I'm downright pissed when it's a double wide stroller, and actually scared when it's four-child stroller like I saw this past weekend at the Bronx zoo. (Seriously, if you have at least 4 children who are too young to walk on their own, you need to look into tubal ligation, NOT a huge stroller. A four kid stroller is not going to solve your fecundity problem.) Parents of the world, if you have a baby, then strap that thing to your back or your stomach. It's easier to get around and you even get to be closer to your little bundle of joy, without having to inconvenience the rest of the world with your unwieldy strollers.
Speaking of inconveniences, I am ticked when I have to make room at a zoo, aquarium, or museum so some baby can get a good view of a baby panda/shark/first lady's inauguration gown. Why should I have to move? Babies can't read -- they don't understand what's going on. They don't even understand language! They don't need to see animals or exhibits to be enriched -- I do! My life is pathetic and I need these outings to help me get through the week. Babies would be just as impressed by a blanket as they would by a tiger, so mom and dad back off because I was here first (and by that I do mean that I'm older than your kid) and I don't feel like making room for your goddamned baby. Your baby ain't a miracle, it's a nuisance -- or, as in the case of the picture shown above, it's completely disgusting.
2 comments:
I don't understand why people take their babies to museums and zoos and stuff in the first place. Or buy them fancy toys. If I ever have a kid I will let it sit on the floor and play with an empty Doritos bag (relax, i'll cut a hole in the bottom, the kid's not gonna suffocate) while I watch TV. And guess what--it will grow up to be just as smart/not smart cultured/not cultured as it would have been if I had taken it to the opera for every single day of its first nine months.
Here here! Kids have a place, and that place is the womb, or, failing that, the home. For thousands of years kids have grown up just fine without zoos and museums and playgrounds. Parents just use kids as an excuse to get out of the house.
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