To the class of '06

Approximately one year ago I was just like you, newly graduated and on the verge of entering the workforce. Having gained an infinite amount of wisdom in the 12 extra months I have been out of college, I have some advice for you. I figured you'd really need to hear what I think, since I bet that absolutely no one else you've talked to since graduation has shared any advice, suggestions, life views, etc.

First, you're going to get a degree soon. Keep that puppy in it's cardboard roll. Degrees are a friggin' jip -- particularly if you attend an illustrious institution like UMD where they give you only the largest of degrees that will cost you a ton of money to frame. I have two of them and they are unlikely to ever see the light of day. I imagine that my decision to keep these degrees in their rolls will be validated when during an avian flu epidemic I will be forced to light fires with my degrees for warmth and sustenance. Aside from their fire-starting properties I see little value to these pieces of paper. That's why I say you should keep yours in a roll, too. You already paid a bunch of money to earn it, do you really need to spend another $50 for someone else to see it? If someone doubts your education, throw some multisyllabic words their way and then hit them hard, preferably with the cardboard roll that houses your degree. That'll learn 'em.

Second, know that you can still live a college lifestyle. You can drink even more than before, in fact. That is, without the anxiety of homework holding you down, you can go to happy hour every night if you are a functional alcoholic with a lot of money to spend. I say do it, but just tread carefully here friend because that slope is slippery and it leads straight to Bethesda -- or worse, the TGIFRiday on the Pike. You don't want to grow up to be a 35 year old who gets too drunk and dances too laciviously on a weeknight, all the while being mocked by just-out-of-college newbies.

Third, without a set school calender and changing schedules every four months you will find that every day is exactly the same. And I mean that each day will be soul-crushingly monotonous. Sure there are seasons, but thanks to climate control buildings and offices without windows very little will change the view from your desk. Weekdays become Monday, that other day, and Friday. Seriously, every day you work will blend together till next thing you know eight months have passed and you won't even know it. I thought it was still March. You may want to turn to excessive drinking, but see above as to why that should only be a temporary solution.

Finally, you're probably going to spend a lot of time online at work. Resist the urge to start a blog. It will take up your time, make you susceptible to stalking, and possibly get you fired. Plus, writing a blog gives the impression that you're self absorbed. I know what you're thinking, 'Hey a******, you write a blog.' True, but no one reads this. That makes it a victimless crime, kind of like shoplifting or punching someone in the dark.

Keep all this in mind while you're gobbling hot dogs at people's graduation BBQs and talking to adult strangers who, fearing their own lives have been a waste, will tell you to do whatever the hell they did when they were your age.