The pageant world hasn't been rocked this hard since Drop Dead Gorgeous

As some of you may or may not know (though I'm guessing that many of you will probably not care either way), I once worked with and also participated in beauty pageants. Specifically, I was the "assistant producer" to both the Miss USA and Miss Teen USA state pageants for an undisclosed southern state, one I might add which I had never even set foot in the state. I was also an entrant in two filipino pageants when I was a teenager despite my disappointing failure to pass for even half-Asian. And I was reminded of my pageant history with the recent crowning of Miss USA last week -- it was in Baltimore. For at least a week leading up to the pageant, there were 51 bonafied beauty queens running around only the classiest of Maryland sites ranging from the Muvico theatre to Ocean City to Baltimore. But they're all gone now, so the overall average attractiveness of the state has returned to its normal subpar levels. Since I missed the chance to pal around with some mascara-addicted, starving women with permanent smiles I figured I'd keep the pageant world alive in the old line state by exposing the dark underbelly of pageantry. So get ready, because this entry will mark the beginning of a two part series in which I reveal all I learned about pageants during my 2 year stint at the pageant production company, hereafter referred to as Sexual Harrassment, Inc.

Dark secret 1) Pageants are really old-fashioned. And not because they objectify women, but because they objectify women in a really weird and dated way. The women who participate in pageants are stuck in some weird midwest Prom beauty aesthetic where big hair and sequined dresses are still considered attractive. Just look at some of the top 15 finishers for this year's Miss USA pageant, these women look like they got caught in a wind tunnel in 1997.
And check out these dresses from 2004, that are ugly in any year.


Dark secret 2) Not all pageants contestants are pretty. Now if you have ever watched the Miss America pageant you already knew this. That pageant is just filled with women who are less than hot. Take, for example, the Miss USA and Miss America winners from 1995:
Miss America is for the sort of woman who wants to become a TV anchor -- her ambition well outstrips her beauty. Plus she posesses a talent for singing or playing the piano or something useless like that. Gorgeous women don't have time to learn how to play the steel drums -- an actual talent this past year. Miss USA on the other hand is the sort of woman who wants to be in Playboy -- she's blonde and willing to take off her clothes, and too lazy to do anything else. Particularly this Miss USA -- Shanna "all I do is sleep" Moakler.

But the real ugliness hides in the state preliminary pageants. A lot of this comes from the fact that you don't need to compete in local pageants to compete in an overall state pageant. In fact, all you need is a misguided belief that you're attractive, a desire for external approval and about $1500. When I would receive applications in the mail at the offices of Sexual Harrassment Inc., girls would send pictures of themselves that were unflattering, and they'd share heights (less than 5'0") and weights (more than 160 lbs) that were clearly NOT shallow pageant material. My boss, who I will call Mr. Sexual Harrassment to protect his anonymity (eventhough I think he may be dead?), would always remark on how these women were fat and had no chance of winning. Yet he had no problem shaking them down for their pageant entry fees. Then he'd tell me I looked like I had lost weight and that if he were 50 years younger I'd be "in trouble."

Dark secret 3) They're called "beauty queens" in a nod to the fact that some of them look like drag queens. Check out Miss Alaska, this gal/dude? looks like Alexis Arquette (the transgendered Arquette...) But beyond the mysterious manliness of Miss Alaska, pageant chicas wear so much make up that they end up looking like the skinny kid sister of Divine (of John Waters fame)-- especially if they aren't that pretty at the outset. Normally make-up increases one's beauty, but in the case of pageant contestants it just serves the eerie purpose of making women of every color and creed look like an interchangeable extra in a Vegas showgirl showcase. Or Alexis Arquette.