Mardi Gras!

So what if Mardi Gras was over a week ago -- laissez les bon temps roulez, et aussi les blogs. I just recently returned from a trip to Mardi Gras and as a Mardi Gras virgin and a yankee, there were a few things that I found quite unsettling at first. But I learned the rules, and I wanted to share them in case any other yankee M-G virgins were planning a trip to New Orleans for next year (which you should, because it's fun). Yeah that's right, I am so uptight that I've developed rules for correctly celebrating a holiday of debauchery. Essentially, you just need to be laid back. But if you are the opposite of laid back, read on. And even if you are laid back, read on because what else are you doing right now.

BEADS ARE BETTER THAN GOLD!
So many awesome things get thrown from parade floats (and then later thrown from Bourbon street balconies). Things like beads, stuffed animals, plastic cups, potato chips, plastic coins, spears, foot balls -- a veritable fortune in cheap, mass-produced goods. But you're going to want those throws, and you're going to want them more than you could possibly imagine. If you really want these things, you'll need to keep your shirt down though, because the parades are NOT for boobs. Smile and yell and wave and jump for whatever is in the air. Also, do not stand next to a kid because you're going to feel like an ass if you catch a toy and you don't give it to the kid standing next to you. If you want to show your boobs, go down to Bourbon. And if you do make sure you pull your shirt up high enough to cover your face because there are cameras everywhere. And if you don't get anything, make yourself better by knowing that Mardi Gras treasures are just Ash Wednesday's trash.


Children are seemingly in grave danger, but no one worries about it so neither should you.
When you're near the parades, beads and other projectiles fly through the air. Most people over the age of 15 (and all people over the age of 21) are wasted and like to jump to catch beads. And mixed seamlessly into this scene are tiny children. But don't worry about them -- they're safe from being trampled because they are sitting on the top of 5 and 6 foot tall step ladders. That's right, they sit at the very top of the ladder where you're not supposed to even put a paint can. Apparently step ladders sold to Nawlinyins need stickers that say "Please for the love of all that is holy, do not put your children on this top step. They could fall And DIE!!!" because the stickers showing a person falling after standing on that step are not explicit enough. And it's doubly concerning because all adults are drunk, so parent supervision is lax. Whatever, kids are bouncy and I didn't see any fall, so don't worry about it.

Parade costumes look like the Ku Klux Klan - just ignore it.
Costumes worn by people on floats look like they were designed by a gay-KKK member who got his hands on a beadazzler. Though I know that there's a lot of racism in the south, the similarities of the costumes to a Klan outfit seems to be purely coincidental. That said, I would like to note here that on Mardi Gras night I definitely did hear at least one white man use the N word. Not in anger mind you, but just as an adjective in place of black or African-American, which I found almost more disturbing.


Just assume that all nudity is good nudity.
Girls Gone Wild is a lie, a big fat lame-excuse-for-pornography lie. The only people I saw exposing their breasts were unattractive women and strippers. The strippers were what you would expect: reasonably attractive, young and trashy. The real variety came in the form of unattractive women baring their breasts. Some just flashed while others had painted their breasts like the American flag or hypnotic swirls. The uglies came in all shapes and sizes -- however none of those sizes were slim or perky. They were older. They were drunk. But people still paid attention to them, and not out of disgust either -- which was purely the source of my interest in them. Also, a large portion of Bourbon Street is filled with homosexual men -- I saw a penis! So if you're a dude and you're hoping to see boobs, know that you're most likely to see old boobs. Also know that you are probably going to be propositioned yourself.