As long as we're making up occupations I want to be a puppy petter

This young gentleman grew up in the same county as me and even went to my high school (He's the one on the left -- thanks CW for the pic). Even though we went to school together I don't really remember him -- probably because we were each being losers in our own separate ways. So when I first saw him on television on Beauty and the Geek (he didn't win) I only recognized his name. Apparently he is pretty smart and even mildly renowned for being so. Now I don't want to argue that someone who is obviously so much smarter than me is an idiot, but I've been reading too many damn local news stories about him and I can hold my tongue (my keyboard?) no longer: Niels Hoven is a big fat dummy. He was pursuing a Ph.D. in engineering, but then he decided that he'd rather pursue a job more suited to his god-given talents. So obviously he became a dating coach.

I have no idea what a dating coach is, but I am extremely suspicious that it's a fake job. Based on what I've read on Niels' blog, I gather that it entails encouraging gross weirdoes to fight their initial and (generally correct) instincts that females don't want to talk them. Rather than let them stay alone in their labs where they would probably be curing cancer, some one like Niels takes them out into the world and takes their money. In exchange these guys are taught to approach dating like a game, which is always healthy, and to think of women like they're a separate species, also very productive. It also probably involves charging a lot of money just to tell guys that they need to be more confident. As a female -- particularly a female who attracts a lot of weirdoes (I think it's my glasses) -- I don't like the idea of someone encouraging weirdoes to approach more women.

I don't want to begrudge Niels his right to pursue happiness, nor the right of lonely nerds who would seek his services. Indeed, I wouldn't really care about Niels at all were it not for the fact that he doles out awful advice.

Exhibit A: His list of suggestions for Valentine's day. In order to make V-day meaningful, and to avoid spending a ton of money, Niels suggests the following activities:
"Do something playful and have a tickle fight.
Do something emotional and talk about the day you met.
Do something sexy and tie someone up.
Do something impudent and pinch someone’s ass.
Do something romantic and feed each other dinner.
Do something relaxing and give each other massages.
And if you’re single…Do something daring and say “Hi!” to a stranger."

Wow. Each one of these exciting and original suggestions just proves that Niels must be pretty successful with the ladies. Obviously that perfect SAT score has translated fully and easily into the dating realm. I mean seriously -- that's his advice for making Valentine's day more meaningful and less expensive?: Pinch an ass and then give each other massages. That sounded like a romantic day to me, but then I turned 15.

How different would Niels' life have been if he had been on a date before the age of 20? It seems like he's letting his quest to, shall we say, "live life inside the box" distract him from his nerdy and important tasks, such as inventing flying cars and solving the world's energy crisis. Maybe he wouldn't have invented the flying car, but I bet you he wouldn't be advocating tickle fights and writing deluded blogs. Who does he think he is -- DCbachelor?