On team Angelina and the ugliness of babies

Having been away from my computer this weekend I am just now finding out that the Jolie-Pitt Namibian love child has finally been born. Mazel Tov to you and yours Jolie-Pitts! I think it's funny that the baby was born within seven days of the Breakup's movie premiere, but I will refrain from speculating that little Shiloh tried to plan her birth at a time that would spite her daddy's ex-wife.

I will not, however, refrain from sharing my true feelings on babies. If you know me, then you know I am not a fan of babies. They are messy, loud, ugly, weird, smelly and generally bad company. And, inexplicably, the people that make these things like bringing them out and inflicting them on the rest of us. And if you think about it, it's a pretty weird phenomenon since there's really nothing else that can pop out of a vagina that would be socially acceptable to even talk about let alone photograph or parade about town. So because of the birth of the Jolie-Pitt uber-bebe, and because I spent my weekend on the Upper West Side where there is a disturbing preponderance of doublewide strollers, I am going to embark upon a series of short essays as to why I feel babies are bad news. For starters, here's my entry for today, which I would like to entitle "Human baby: God's ugliest joke?"

Babies are ugly. Let me repeat that: BABIES ARE UGLY. Up until about 4 months they're actually scary looking. Then they go through a phase where they look funny --so funny I guess it could be considered cute. Kind of like how pug dogs are so ugly they're cute. But I think it still leans a little heavy on the ugly side. It's not until babies are at least three that they start resembling anything I would call a person. Meanwhile, all sorts of baby animals are downright adorable. Sure other baby animals are pretty gross when they're first born, just like human babies, but this period of time is incredibly short compared to the months that can pass before a newborn human is ready to be looked at. Generally, within a month animal babies become undeniably adorable. For scientific evidence that god made human babies ugly in comparison to the offspring of other animals, look at the pictures below and witness one of the many reasons I'd rather have a pet than a baby. Additionally, I'd like to point out I got all the pictures you'll see below from cuteoverload, with the glaring exception of the human baby picture. Apparently the internet's foremost authority on cuteness also thinks that human babies just don't pass muster when it comes to adorability.













Humans clearly got the ugly end of the baby shaft.