Does anyone love Oprah more than Oprah?

I try my best to avoid getting worked up about letters to the editor and internet message boards, because really why ruin a day? Just reading them generally gets me all up in arms about things that don't matter, and 3 hours into drafting the perfect response I have a moment of clarity when I realize that I am wasting my time. I generally solve this problem with avoidance and forced apathy.

But on my way into work today I read a letter to the editor published in the Express that I just could not let stand. It was entitled "Oprah isn't 'Self-absorbed.'" I got annoyed reading this letter, but I realized there was no point writing a response back into the paper for something that didn't matter. However, since my week of no negativity and no bashing rants starts tomorrow I thought a blog response to this letter would be a good way to purge the venom before a week of boring goodness. Also, I wanted to continue the trend of blogging about the Omnipotent one every few months.
To begin, here is a reproduction of the letter as it was published:

"To the statement [by Washington Post columnist Lisa De Moraes] that Oprah is "self-absorbed" in Monday's Express Channel Surfing column, I respond:
I have been to a taping of Oprah's show in Chicago and Oprah is looking off camera at the monitors for signals to go to commercial or reading the Tele PrompTer, she is not looking at herself. She is building schools in South Africa for girls and gave the children there their first real Christmas. She came to the aid of the Katrina victims when FEMA and the American government did next to nothing. Her Angel Network has built houses and sent kids to college. She initiated a movement in this country to catch child sex offenders. And those are just some of her accomplishments.
So before you hate on her, please consider all the wonder things this "self-absorbed" broadcaster has done to make this world a better place."


Okay, so obviously this author has a fundamental problem in her argument in that she cannot grasp that a person could be self-absorbed in addition to being charitable. People can be both good and bad simultaneously, which is a much tougher concept for people to grasp than it should be. Sure Oprah has done a ton of great things and donated her money and time to good causes, but there is no denying that she is self-absorbed. Incidentally, did you know that in addition to her charitable donations Oprah spent $100,000 on fake eyelashes last year? That's right, she spent three times my annual income on fake eyelashes. But I'm sure that it was only because she couldn't come up with a better use for $100,000 than to make herself pretty. My best argument as to Oprah's feelings about herself, however, is that the woman is on every single one of the covers for her eponymously titled magazine. If that's not self-absorbed then I don't know what is. So eat it letter author because your God loves herself more than a fat kid (or maybe Oprah circa '95?) loves cake.

But I don't blame Oprah. I think she's been forced into being self-absorbed by people like the author of this letter. You know the Oprah fan (stereo)type : middle-aged, chubby, clappy, Oprah-crazed fanatics who cry when they watch cheesy commercials and who most likely collect Precious Moments statues. And really, it's with these people that I have the beef, they have made Oprah the monster that she is. How could Oprah, or anyone for that matter, stay humble when every day she is greeted by 100 screaming mothers who would have a hard time choosing between saving her or their firstborn if they were both trapped in a burning building? The few Oprah episodes that I have watched have been almost completely unbearable because of these MACC0CFs. They just stand there, barely able to contain their excitement (and as a corollary their bladders or tears) from being in the same room with the Big O. Oprah then rewards them with either gifts or a good schooling on a societal ill. I hate it most when Oprah does a serious show about serious topics. Watching these MACCOCFs it becomes clear to me that they never knew, for instance, that female genital mutilation was a problem in other parts of the world, or that Night by Elie Weisel was a good book, or that racism is still a daily problem, or that young girls can be psychologically scarred from media images of beauty, or that children in Africa are mutilated and forced into militias. They never knew, that is, until Oprah told them. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that Oprah encourages reading, self-awareness, charity and empathy amongst her fans. What bothers me is that I feel as if one day Oprah starting encouraging puppy-kicking and arsenic-poisoning they'd just as energetically take up those suggestions instead. So, I'll end this rant with an entreaty to all MACCOCFs that they get a clue that doesn't come from Oprah. At the very least, have an inkling about some of the stuff Oprah talks about before you hear about it from her. Read books (not just the ones that she suggests) like nonfiction books about history and geopolitics. Watch less TV, listen to more NPR, read more newspapers (not USA Today) and write fewer dumb-ass letters to the editor. But keep dieting and baking, those are good habits.