Wouldn't you like to know

Delving deep into my stack of conversation starters I came across the following card:
If you could know one secret or mystery, but could never tell anyone, what would you want to to know?

I am absolutely horrible at keeping secrets so by default I'd have to say I wouldn't want to know any secret I couldn't tell anyone. There are very few things I'd like to know that are a secret or mystery to me that I would be able to keep secret. What's the point of knowing a secret if you don't get to tell other people that you know it? If I knew something really cool that no one else knew, you better believe I'd be yelling it from the escalator tops and from my car window so that everyone would know how knowledgeable, and therefore cool, I was. I guess one mystery I'd really like to know is why the Bethesda metro station turns into a wind tunnel whenever I'm trying to get to the escalator. Seriously, the wind gusts are like 50 miles an hour in that tunnel -- you have to grab your bags, children and elderly relatives because they are very likely to be swept away. If I knew what caused those ferocious gusts I could definitely manage to keep it to myself and then just use my newfound knowledge to time my exit from the station so as to avoid the wind, my least favorite element and sworn enemy. By keeping the secret I could continue to gleefully observe other dumb shmucks get blow away by the wind because they didn't know any better.

But see that answer is lame. I fail to believe that the one mystery I want to know most is a simple question of physics and timing -- what a waste of an awesome opportunity. If the question didn't have that obnoxious caveat about having to keep the secret to yourself, there are definitely more compelling universal secrets and mysteries I'd like to know:


1) The secret sexual preferences of every famous person--be they actor, historical figure, or debutante-celebrity--of the past 500 years.
This knowledge would provide me with years of conversation starters. Example:
ME: "Who is your favorite historical figure?"
R. Hines or someone very much like her:"Well, my favorite civil war general is Jubal Early"
ME: "Oh really? He had a thing for Asian guys"
RHOSVMLH:"You're making that up, that doesn't even make sense."
Me: "I swear it's true. Trust me, I know this stuff. And surprisingly, Stonewall was 100% straight."
RHOSVMLH: "Wow you know a lot of cool and interesting secrets. I wish I knew the sexual preferences of famous people!"
Best of all I would get the inside track on whatever is going on with TomKat. I'm working on a new theory now that Tom's not Gay (or an Alien), but rather he has a disgusting zoophilia problem a la Troy McClure that is the source of this farce marriage to Brainwashed McCrooked-Smile. I bet he likes parrots and cockatoos, and Katie Holmes is baring his inseminated love child to prevent the world from learning of his disgusting birdlove.

2) What did dinosaurs look and sound like?.
If for some reason I could know this mystery, it would be extremely useful. Okay, so maybe not useful but it would be interesting. I think they probably sounded less like the carefully layered sounds of a truck and an elephant that the Jurassic Park sound engineer propaganda machine created and I damn sure don't believe that they were all brown and green. I think they were all different colors and talked like people do.
In fact, I think dinosaurs looked and acted more like the dinosaurs from the documentary series "The Dinosaurs" and less like the dinosaurs from the hack sci-fi show "Land of the Lost." Though I do believe that the show's creators overestimated a dinobaby's ability to wield a frying pan, but I am pretty certain that everything else about The Dinosaurs was 100% true. If you wish that network television would renew its commitment to teaching America the truth about dinosaurs, click here to sign this online petition.

Some other mysteries that I wouldn't mind knowing but don't feel like writing very much about include:
~ was Jesus a nice guy or a jerk?
~ what causes migraines?
~ why do I like Laguna Beach so much?
~ does the devil exist, and is s/he the reason that any of the following three people have become famous: Ryan Seacrest, Carson Daly, Billy Bush?
~ are fastfood restaurants more, less or just as diabolical as cigarette companies?
~ how many more graphics will I make that will include a spray-painted heart? I know the answer to this already -- infinite because when you use paintbrush to make graphics the possibilities are illimitable! (shout out to the Mac McGarry commercial about the local spelling bee that taught me that word)