Secrets to a long life

My great-grandmother just recently turned 90 years old this past weekend, which in case you didn't know is really super old. Considering her age, she's doing pretty well and I thought that I'd share some lessons on longevity that I've learned from her:

* Be ornery.
This is actually a direct quote from her to our waiter at lunch. It is also probably the most true thing she has ever said. Forget what people tell you about being positive and having a rosy disposition -- being hateful and spiteful angries up the blood and keeps you alive. Oh sure your life will be miserable, but it will also be long.

* Suffer, and do it loudly.
This primarily includes trying to out-do people in conversations when it comes to illness, bad luck, and general misfortune. Think of it as a contest, and whoever has the most upsetting story wins, and then turn every conversation into that contest. If you find yourself losing a contest, choose an old standby misery -- like your husband dying -- and then mention it and cry. Works everytime. Another good standby? Remind people what little time you have left: i.e. "Why do I need a ten year warranty? I won't be here that long!"

* Cook way too much food.
Any time one person comes over, you need to cook as if 10 people are coming over. Then you must force your guests to take all the left overs because you can't eat them by yourself. This has the benefit of reminding people how lonely you are (see above), and by letting people how much you do for them (see below). It also fattens up your grandchildren, while keeping you thin which probably has some sort of benefit though it's not obvious.

* Crochet.
I guess this has been covered pretty well by different sources who say that keeping an alert mind contributes to longevity. However, I would argue it's the actual act of crochet-ing itself. Maybe it's something about the needles -- maybe some sort of life-preserving mineral leaches into your skin from the metal? Or maybe it's just that if you're sitting for hours on end so you can crochet your reducing the amount of time you could be up and about and thus the amount of time you could spend falling. Either way I bet if you took the time to count the hundreds of afghans and potholders my grandmother has made you would find a direct correlation from potholder production to longevity.

* Equate money with love.
This is my favorite by far because if you are lucky enough to have a relative who thinks this then you get lots of presents. This basically includes constantly mentioning how much money you want to leave to each of your descendants in your will, talking about how much a present cost you, and noting how many presents you've given to people through out their lives. It's also helpful to keep a running tally in your mind of everything you've done for someone so that you can very easily remind them when they are indebted to you in one way or another. Example: My great-grandmother almost constantly mentions the money she spent to pay for my grandmother (her daughter-in-law) and my father (her first-born grandchild) to come to the US from the Phillipines and how my grandfather (her son) never paid her back. Write a letter to your son because he never paid you back from the instance 50 years ago when you helped pay to bring your first grandchild and your daughter-in-law to the US.

* Shop a lot.
Buy yourself lots of clothes and wind up knick-knacks even while complaining that you don't have enough money to pay for your medication. If there's ever a buy 3 cards get one wind-up dancing hamster deal at Hallmark. Take it. In fact, take three. Who cares that you buy yourself four new outfits a month and never even wear half of the stuff? The point is you are living longer because of it -- most probably because the credit card companies are somehow artificially prolonging your life so you can repay your debt to them.

*Be racist without realizing it.
This works best when you call African-Americans "colored" or make stereotypical statements about minority groups. Go for the gold by doing both in one fell swoop as my grandmother did once when we went out for lunch: "Those colored people think they can do whatever they want -- that's their problem!" So true, that is "their" problem.

*Be suspicious.
Don't make friends with your neighbors at the assisted living home (they're gossips) and don't trust your family (they don't appreciate you). However, you should be best friends with the sales girls at Peebles.

Just for the record, I know that I'm making a lot of fun of my great grandmother here, so I want it to be clear that though I do think she can be incredibly annoying and will complain about her to whoever wants to listen, I will miss her when she's gone. Who else will tell me about oozing sores and what's wrong with the African-American race?