What keeps me up at night

So if you know me, you probably know that I stay up late generally. But did you ever wonder why? Well it's not because I want to, it's because sometimes I'm too afraid to go to sleep. What causes me to lose so much sleep? Many, many, many things. But here are the things that have been bothering me lately:

Shark attacks. Look at this thing, it's terrifying -- I was almost too afraid to put it up here. Admittedly I don't have much to fear unless I'm in the ocean or at the beach, but when I am ooh boy am I afraid. It should also be noted that this fear of sharks is so strong that I sometimes get creeped out swimming in pools.


Hispters. Specifically, that a hipster will ask me what kind of music I like and that my answer will be scorned. Look at this guy, he probably weighs less than me and hasn't showered in three days, yet I fear his judgement.


Men at bars. An old man, as in old enough to be my grandfather comes up and starts hitting on you. I'm always afraid that if I'm drunk I'll blurt out what I'm thinking, which is 'Look old man, there's not enough Levitra or alcohol in the world to make this happen.'
Now while old men are creepy, I generally have nothing to fear because unlike my friend Bobbie I don't tend to attract the old-spice set. But I do get really anxious if a younger guy approaches me, because it's awkward because it's not always readily apparent if he's just being friendly or what, and I don't want to drop the "I have a boyfriend line" too early because maybe I'm just being presumptuous and then he'd say "Damn bitch I wasn't even interested" but then I could be waiting too long to say I'm not interested then I've been leading him on so he'd think I'd 'owe' him something. Even writing this I'm hyperventilating.


Being trapped on the metro and having to use the bathroom. This is the sort of situation that scares me because you'd have to honestly weigh the pros and cons of wetting yourself. Relatedly, I'm also afraid that I'll get arrested for public urination while I'm out one night and have to put that on all my future job applications.

Werewolf attack while I'm in the shower. I don't even know why I'm including this here, because if anything I think this fear proves that I'm not irrational. Who wouldn't fear this?

Walking down stairs. I have, on more than one occasion, walked up stairs and then become so paralyzed with fear that I am incapable of walking back down them, instead scooting back down those same stairs on my butt. This fear used to be infrequent as I was so rarely put in a situation where I faced a long set of stairs, but ever since moving to Bethesda, aka home to the world's most terrifying escalator/2nd longest escalator in the western hemisphere, this is a fear I must face every work day. Every day staring down from the top of the escalator is like staring into the gaping maw of death.
Being kidnapped and murdered. Yeah that's a scary thought, but what really keeps me up at night is that I'll go missing, and that it will become national news and that news outlets will use a pictureI think is unflattering of me whenever they talk about my disappearance. Also I get nervous because what if some blowhard like Sean Hannity takes up my cause? I'd almost rather be forgotten.

Riding the elevator/metro with acquaintances. Note that I say acquaintances and not friends. Acquaintances, as in, I only kind of know them and don't really have much to say and therefore the conversation wanders to boring and uncomfortable places, such as talk about the weather or how long you've had to wait. I've actually gotten off a metro train and switched cars to end a conversation with acquaintances so as to avoid the awkward silence that follows once you've run the weather banter into the ground.

The only thing worse than an elevator ride is seeing someone in the bathroom. I almost have a panic attack when I run into coworkers in the bathroom, because once you see them then you have to say hi, and maybe even talk to them -- and what are you going to say? One time a coworker remarked that our bladders must have been on the same schedule. Jesus, what do you even say to that? I don't know, that's why I now go to a bathroom on a different floor from my office so as to avoid seeing my coworkers.

Pregnancy. Self explanatory!