The end of the world as we know it

Finally Pat Robertson is getting something right. Given the events of the past 12 months I think it's pretty clear that society as we know it is ending. Thanks to the ever-helpful fear-mongering media, I have a number of theories as to how the world will end and, like any good crazy person, wanted to let you know that the rapture is imminent so that you could prepare. Here are some of the things that are keeping me awake at night because I am so super sure they will result in the demise of the human race, or at the very least kill me:

1) Global warming (chances of apocalypse -- 50:1): As the brilliant movie "The Day After Tomorrow" pointed out, global warming is very bad. If worsening hurricanes, hotter summers and colder winters don't get you, escaped wolves from the Bronx zoo will. Apocalypse by global warming has long been a fear of mine since I was little and saw a Captain Planet set in a dystopian future in which all people have to wear oxygen tanks outside because the earth's vegetation had all become extinct due to climate changes. Ain't that a b.

2) Earth Quakes (c.o.a. -- 1,000:1): Ahh yes, the silent but deadly seismic killer. So you may think if you don't live in Tokyo/the himalayas/California you're okay. Think again! There are scary faults all over the world just waiting to kill millions. Example: one of the worst earthquakes in American history occurred in Missouri. So visit St. Louis while you can. Eh, on second thought it's probably not worth it.

2.5) Tsunami (c.o.a -- 1,000,000:1): So this isn't completely it's own topic as tsunamis are generally caused by a seismic event. However, if you watched the news at all after the Southeast Asia tsunami you've probably heard that the east coast will be wiped out should the canary islands fall into the sea. This gains extra points because last year's tsunami was rumoured to have killed fitness celebrity John Basedow. Thank God the rumors were false, because if Basedow were dead what would be the point of living?

3) Pandemic (c.o.a -- 75:1): Every once in while the world is swept up by an illness so deadly that millions die in its wake, and boy are we due. The best part is we have so many diseases to choose from: small pox, the avian flu, HIV, anthrax, super-strong bacterial infections that are impervious to anti-biotics. If you're smart, once a pandemic starts you'll just get really really fat, thus making it likely you'll just die of the other possible pandemic threatening americans: obesity. I'd rather die because of bacon cheese burger than because of the flu, it just sounds more tough.

4) Population decline (c.o.a. -- 5 billion:1): Blah blah blah developed countries are suffering from aging populations with birth rates below a replacement rate. Who cares? Not me. I only mention this because I think the real threat is not that most people aren't having enough babies, but that the people who are having children should not be allowed to contribute to the human gene pool. Take for instance, Tomkat, jr. or the fact that Kevin Federline has 3 children.

5) Asteroid strike (c.o.a. -- 10 billion:1): So in 2029, we will only suffer a close call with an asteroid the size of the rose bowl. Phew! Though this does confirm my belief that the end of the world could potentially be related to a Ben Affleck movie.

But if you ask me, which I guess you kind of are if you've taken the time to read to this point, the real end of the world (or at least American society) is going to be a civil war between conservatives and liberals. Too bad for the liberals, because we are not good with guns.